Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

redact I would really urge you to get onto council adult social services in the morning. 'luckily' (I mean that ironically) you may be able to get her nursing care on the grounds of the cancer, which she wouldnt get if she 'just' had dementia. (I know, it's terrible). With my DM we found an awful lot of buck passing went on between the local health care services and until she was finally admitted to hospital it was a bit of a free for all.

With the cancer, you have more options for state financing, to put it very bluntly. But you cannot do everyt hing

Gutrot, you sound like you're working incredibly hard, but I can imagine the situation with your DH must be difficult. Do you plan to care for your mum as long as possible?

Yes, Grace. That's the idea, as she has a separate part of our house. However, I can see a point a couple of years down the line when it will be impossible for her to move around without 24h help, and a care home will be the only option. Saying that, she had 2 weeks respite in a care home this year and then told us in no uncertain terms that she isn't ready to go into a home yet! I'm hopeful that her present frail, confused state is a result of the fall and UTI. (She's obsessing with her medication and how numb her fingers are feeling, and, of course, the rollator is difficult to control with one hand.)

It's all a bit of a shock because she's usually quite independent. I guess we've just got to bear up and get into a manageable routine until the wrist heals.

Hi again.
I've been off this thread for the last couple of weeks - last I posted I was all pleased as my dear Dad had requested to go into a residential care home because he recognised he couldn't cope at home, even with twice daily carers and he didn't want to be a burden to us. He had settled in very well.
Then.... he took himself off to the loo unaided in the middle of the night, and fell. Broke his bloody hip! He was in hospital for around two weeks and they decided against operating. Too complex/risky apparently but have assured us it's not because they've written him off due to his age (87). So he has many weeks ahead of bed-rest, with all the associated risks of that.
He had NO physio whilst in hospital (they came round on his second day there, tried to make him stand up, he couldn't, so they buggered off and didn't return).
Anyway, we've managed to get him transferred back to his lovely care home, where he received a warm and loving welcome (kissed by the nurses!) and he's looking so much better already. He's got all his books around him, Sky TV for his sport, and they're feeding him up, moving him regularly, sprucing him up so he looks smart and clean-shaven, chatting to him and making him do his exercises. To be honest, I don't think he'll walk again, but if he can at least muster enough strength to help himself into the wheelchair and from there into the car perhaps, we can take him out and about again.
He loves visitors, and many of us (me and my siblings, the grandchildren, nieces and their kids etc) have been in and apparently he perks up no end.
He's being really positive, and therefore so are we. But it's exhausting.
He's such a sweet man and he squeezed me hard yesterday as he hugged me goodbye and said how he felt so much closer to us these days since my mum died last year. These are things he would never have said years ago. He's never been demonstrative or expressed emotions, but he's clinging to us now.
Yolo, so sorry to hear of your news. But I understand the mixed emotions.

Hi everyone, been busy. You can guess what with elderly parents.

I've taken on board the food suggestions. Today Dad had a bowl of porridge with maple syrup and full fat milk for breakfast, half an M&S beef sandwich and a donut for lunch and a fried egg, a slice of eggy bread and 2 slices of bacon for dinner. 3 biscuits and a wagon wheel for snacks. He wouldn't have eaten more than that normally but the content would have been healthier. I suppose at 86 who gives a stuff really.

He's still weak 11 days out of hospital and just me washing and dressing him exhausts him. With his sight nearly gone and for now, mild dementia, socialising with him consists of holding his hand and chatting, singing and telling him any ribald joke I can think of. He's still in there, somewhere!

This is a bit indelicate but a thought made me laugh today. I've been single a long time and I never thought the next penis i saw a great deal of would be my father's. FGS!

Dad has a very sore bum, the bum cheeks are very painful from lying and sitting around so much. I've been washing him carefully with plain warm water and putting a cream on - canalion? Something like that. Does anyone have any other suggestions for bed sores please? The skin is not broken.

Surely you should be getting support from some medical carers for someone on the verge of bedsores. And maybe Occupational Health could give advice on special seat pads/mattresses to help avoid them.

thigh my dmum's carers were for ever putting Proshield on those delicate areas. Worked well. Any chance of airmattress from NHS?
Agree with high protein/fat diets. My ddad is doing ok after last week. Paperwork trail and funeral planning starts tomorrow.

DearGod we are getting almost nothing. The post hospital rehab team have not been good at all. They did give him a seat cushion and have ordered a bath board but he can't manage the stairs yet and won't be able to for a few weeks I wouldn't have thought.

The nurse cancelled twice and the physio also twice but apparently is coming this Tuesday. The nurse eventually turned up after about 9 days and wanted to simply instruct my Mum how to clean him. Mum managed to persuade her to actually do it.

Tbf M&D do have more than £23k in savings and should probably engage someone rather than asking SS for help. I only live around the corner and am happy to wash and dress him and then the reverse at the end of the day. Thankfully Mum is fit and still has her marbles and is able to cope as long as I go over for a few hours in the day to let her get out to prevent cabin fever. All will need revisited though if his dementia worsens.

Healthier food for older people means calories/protein - the weakness is of course partly lack of movement but will be partly malnourishment too. Sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

piste I'm glad your Dad is doing OK and sorry about the loss of your Mum. Thank you for the tip re ProShield.

thigh I think it is worth getting OT to come and do a new assessment for your dad. As you say a bath board isn't much help if he can't actually get to the bath. They gave mum a 'perching stool' so that she could prop herself up to have a pit wash.

I pay for mum to have carers come, but they don't actually do much - won't change a plaster for example, just remind her to take meds. So it's worth doing your research as to what type of agency you get.

monkey thank you, would the OT be ss or post hospital rehab team? I'm dreading his dementia getting to an unmanageable level. He forgot Mum's name yesterday and she started crying. It's all so sad that such a lovely, loving and clever man is just fading away from the inside. He's still there though atm thankfully.

thighofrelief DoubleBass cream is what they used for my Mum. It is really good.

www.chemistdirect.co.uk/doublebase-hydrating-gel-pump/prd-hqs

.....and Proshield too.

He wouldn't have eaten more than that normally but the content would have been healthier. Remember that healthy eating guidelines are aimed at teenagers and young adults with huge appetites. I suspect a big part of the emphasis on veg in healthy diets is to fill up spaces that would otherwise be filled by an extra helping of something sugary and fatty (and to keep the bowels moving). Seek advice as to whether to add vitamin pills, and keep his fluid uptake high to prevent constipation. (And remember I'm not a nutritionist)

I've just had to persuade DF not to revert from nutritionist-advised butter to low fat crap margarine "because of the cholesterol". But he did seem relieved when I persuaded him - he seems to be enjoying his butter.

Does anyone have any other suggestions for bed sores please? My DF has been given a couple of special cushions, two inches of firm foam topped by 1inch of memory foam. Googling "bed sore cushions" gives other options.

For bed sores we borrowed a ripple bed.

DM's post mortem is supposed to be tomorrow. (although driving up the motorway this morning for DH's cancer appt we saw a private ambulance involved in a minor crash. I can only assume this is yet another spanner in the works... she's supposed to be in bloody Tunbridge Wells ffs!)

In classic style, she is keeping us as busy in death as she did in life. I cannot wait for the funeral (27th) to be over, although I think there will be as many probs afterwards as there have been so far.

Sympathy and etc and cockroach to all of us.

Thinking of you yolofish and wishing you and your lovely family well.

Oh gosh Yolo!
Why will there be as many problems afterwards?

Yolo, I know TW very well. Grew up there.

thank you finally. roisin because I think my brother will kick off - he is immensely angry at the world. perhaps he wont... ohdeargod small world - it was a long time ago for me - 71-79 at what is now Beechwood!
No word from coroner's office yet, but they did say today or tomorrow. Celebrant came out to see me today, it was fine. Still waiting to hear if we can have one of the pieces of music but so I can get order of service printed I am going to change the wording to 'Time for Reflection' (well, I'm not, but I know a lovely MN-er who can!)

Gutrot, tried to PM but maybe you don't accept messages, which is fair enough. Or maybe it's the iPad safari problem again.

Yolo, I know what you mean. Dad wasn't exactly a hoarder but he's certainly left a huge pile of chaos. Mum is stressing even though I've said I'll sort it.

yolo TWGGS 74-81

yolo so sorry it’s all so hard. How is dh?
🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷🍫🍫to all.

Bloomin nota so many Kentishwomen (TGGS 80-87...)