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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

978 replies

picklemepopcorn · 06/09/2018 07:11

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 06/09/2018 21:47

Pickle, do you mind if I ask how old your mum is?

mumisaworry · 06/09/2018 23:27

"Cockroach" @yolofish WineWine
Been watching from sidelines (my Mum settled'ish (depending on day of week!)) and haven't posted for a while, but it may be calm before storm - we'll see!
Yolo - your past weeks/months have been so fraught, well done you on coming through. Really hope your mum settles and you get your life back. My only advise, don't give her a phone!
Hang in there everyone, the weekend is on its way.

Original poster
picklemepopcorn · 07/09/2018 06:36

She's 79, south.

OP posts:
Needmoresleep · 07/09/2018 08:28

Yolo, I love your mum.

My mother can be described as 'feisty'. A health professional once told me that going into old age this can be a good thing. My mother is right, the world is wrong. If she did not have this certainty I am sure the dementia would have felled her long ago, as her confusion would have caused her to feel anxious and depressed. Instead the way she needs to fire the opening salvo 'Oh its you!' and maintain her dominance 'what time is your train' is pretty impressive

She is not lovable but she is admirable.

You and your DB are also admirable. But in a different way. You really have gone above and beyond. And taking cockroaches in would be pretty cool.

LighthouseSouth · 07/09/2018 08:30

Thanks pickle - same as mine then!

Needmoresleep · 07/09/2018 08:31

And welcome to all the newbies and regulars. For me its been 10 years of dementia and counting. Things are calm at the moment, but I feel very tired. It just does not stop.

EddSimcox · 07/09/2018 08:52

Hello everyone Not been around for a while but time to get comfy in this thread I think... Good to see so much humour in the trenches, sorely needed round these parts!

DM and DDad moved eventually into a house round the corner from me about a year ago. DDad has been heroically doing everything whilst DM's dementia / Alzheimers progresses a pace. Now it's time for another shift. First stop getting a carer /companion to take some of the strain. Second, start looking again for a more long term solution. Huge sigh.

Had a manager from the agency round yesterday; Dad threw a wobbly at the (admittedly abusurdly long) terms and conditions. Hoping to persuade him just to sign and not worry about that at the weekend so we can try and find someone this side of eternity.

The longer term problem is that Dad wants to be independent but he wants DM looked after but he wants to be with her. So I think we are looking for a retirement village type place with a care home on site that does day respite where they can have a mix of help on different days, and so DM could move into the home when the time comes. There's not a lot of them about so far as I can see. Everything I can find is either independent flats or care home, not both. Have found one so far. Know of one other but much too far. Any other ideas folks (south /home counties)??

LighthouseSouth · 07/09/2018 08:53

OMD @Needmoresleep

may I offer a hug?

does the parent recognise you? I've a couple of friends who gave up visiting parents with dementia because it was confusing and upsetting all round.

Original poster
picklemepopcorn · 07/09/2018 09:23

Oh dear, Edd! What a tricky specification. I'm sorry the move didn't buy you more time. Would he accept a place for her which is very close by? A friend of mine spent all day every day at the care home with her DH. She was involved in all his care, and just went home to sleep. Several years.

(Nice to see you though)

OP posts:
EddSimcox · 07/09/2018 10:03

Yes, perhaps if the carer / companion thing works out they will be ok where they are for a while, which might make that option more appropriate. I think Dad would like the company at a retirement village type place though. Of course what they'd really like is for me to be there every day, but I just can't. Work, DC, DP, it's just not possible not to mention that I'd be a terrible carer.

Needmoresleep · 07/09/2018 10:38

Edd, my mum has survived in very sheltered housing for 6 years without much memory at all. So own flat but 24 hour warden, reception 6.00am to 10.00pm, weekly clean, coffee lounge morning and afternoon, handyman and the option of daily cooked lunch and laundry service.

She now has three care calls daily on top, but it is still a lot cheaper than a home. It seems to work well with couples where one partner is much more disabled than the other, as community support is on hand.

My mother knows I am someone but is not quite sure who. I might be her mother or sister, neither of whom she liked. Inevitably a lot of what I do involves me steering her to the dentist or wherever, so though she now accepts my authority (this took a long time) she also resents it. She likes DH as he is kind to her. I suspect she thinks he is DB, the golden child, who she rarely sees and who she is forgetting.

The dementia progress is very slow and her health is otherwise very good. I expect however a few difficult moral decisions at the point when she starts having significant health problems. I really would not want to see her living with persistent pain.

yolofish · 07/09/2018 12:48

I think coping with the challenges of dementia must just be the worst, so difficult and painful for all of you and especially (maybe?) those carrying the burden. My friend's mum has dementia, is in a home, and has said that one of the other residents has sexually abused her. No one knows if this is the case, or she has imagined it, but of course they have to investigate - friend does not know where to put herself.

Edd would your parents consider a sleep-in carer, or do they need someone 24/7? round these parts that seems to come in at around £1k a week (south east kent) - it's a lot of money...

yolofish · 07/09/2018 13:05

Edd there is also something called a sit-in carer, might that work? I think they just do daytimes, a bit of light housework(tidying) and meals but might give your dad a break?

Pob13 · 07/09/2018 15:01

Hi, hoping someone can offer a bit of support. My grandfather (96!) is currently in hospital. We know it is the end soon, so does he, he has had enough now. We would like to get him back to his care home to 'go' in a nicer setting. My mum has power of attorney, but not for medical things, we didnt think we would ever need it. The hospital is saying that he cant make decisions for himself now and want to treat anything that they find wrong. Basically his body is shutting down, but they want to keep treating things. He does have a DNR if it gets to that stage, but that could take ages.
My mum has made her views clear that we know he wouldnt want to be treated. Obviously she doesnt want to lose her father, but it is heartbreaking to see him so miserable. He is more than ready to go.

Is there anything else she can do to get him released back to the care home or convince the doctors that he doesnt want to be treated?

Thanks in advance.

thesandwich · 07/09/2018 15:33

Hello all- back from lovely week away with lots of cake and no dm stuff to deal with. She doesn’t think we will be back until later. Bliss.
Good to see you nms and edd plus keep on keeping on to everyone pluscockroach to yolo. How is it going?
Edd- we have a few retirement developments with care on site springing up here- check out any prospective new build ones? Could day care give your dd a break?
Pob, so sorry- not much help I can give I’m afraid. Is there hospice care available via the hospital or locally?

yolofish · 07/09/2018 17:20

10 minute visit this afternoon.

Bearing in mind she's been there just over 24 hours; not a word of thanks for the stuff I brought in today.

'where's my new phone?'
'the girls here dont seem to want to work for their money, I had to ask twice if my newspaper could be picked up from the floor'
'no one helps me'
'why am I not being given exercises and helped to walk?'
'the staff here are just girls, just carers not even nurses'
'the food is what you'd expect, soup and sandwiches for tea AGAIN'
'I wont bother going downstairs for meals again, no one talks'
'I am so bored' (the sharp among you might see the contradiction with the statement immediately above...)
'B is so marvellous, I wish you could be as caring as he is'

At which point ladies, I left, to the sound of wails echoing down the corridor.

Saw the mgr on the way out; she will have a 'chat' with Mum on Monday to discuss what she can expect from the care home, and perhaps more pertinently, what the care home can expect from her.
cockroach

thesandwich · 07/09/2018 17:52

Oh crikey yolo she doesn’t improve....... protect yourself, protect yourself, and cockroach

Original poster
picklemepopcorn · 07/09/2018 18:26

She crammed a lot into that ten minutes! I'd go for five, next time!
Winecockroach!

OP posts:
Original poster
picklemepopcorn · 07/09/2018 18:27

I see my future rolling out before me...

OP posts:
mumisaworry · 07/09/2018 18:31

Ah, the "I'm so bored" coupled with "oh it's so noisy and busy". And the 'not much more than girls' - I get that too!
Along with the "they're all forren"...

Make sure you know meal times. My trick is to time my visit half hour before they start going to lunch/dinner. It's a good excuse to say your farewells!

Cockroach! WineWine

LighthouseSouth · 07/09/2018 19:09

Another "is this normal" question, sorry

Dad discharged from hospital today with Zimmer frame
They reckon he can do stairs because there's a banister

Is this normal? The physio saw him but I wasn't there at the time

The discharge doctor said to me "why do you think he needs a nurse" and I must admit, I couldn't answer

He can wash and dress himself

So is this a new normal and I just shouldn't worry?

thesandwich · 07/09/2018 19:26

Lighthouse, can you watch him do stairs? What does he say? In many ways keeping doing stuff is good. Try not to worry.
Agree with mum re visiting just before meals- we did with fil and it worked well.
And that phone has vanished, hasn’t it?😂😂
Cockroach!🍷🍷🍸

LighthouseSouth · 07/09/2018 19:59

I literally posted as soon as we got home so I won't see him do stairs till bedtime.

I need to stop thinking my olds are my responsibility

Of course the cabbie who took us home was all "oh it's so great that you're looking after them".

Jigglyguff · 07/09/2018 20:05

Hi neffall, I work for a careline so may be able to help you with any questions you may have. There's lots of different tech coming into the market at the moment. The falls pendants are good but be aware that they won't detect every fall. If someone has a seizure or slides of a chair, it may not register but for normal falls they're pretty good.

I would advise you to shop around before you go to Age UK. They are the most expensive that I've seen and do not offer a superior service. I would recommend that you call your local council or social services and they may be able to help. Some councils have their own careline and others will help subsidise the cost. Eg. Our council pays for the first three months and the install fee.

yolofish · 07/09/2018 21:47

Of course if they do decide her face doesnt fit, her alternative is the social services funded place about 10 miles away, which she lasted 15 minutes (yes, 15 minutes) in after her BUPA hospital kicked her out post knee replacement about 10 years ago. I will point this out over the w/e.

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