Probably going down in flames...

[Ophelialovescats]

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

[Bluelady]

You're not evil, OP. My parents were 99 and 97 when they died. Mum had dementia and weighed about 5 st at the end. I loved mine with all my heart and miss them dreadfully but the last three or four years were dreadful and it was a relief. It was time.

[Poudrenez]

I feel like I’m wearing an electronic tag but have no idea when my release day might be.

Good God, I can relate to that! My Dad has end stage dementia (can no longer swallow). It looks like he's about to going into care, which is a good thing. And yes, I hope he dies soon, for everyone's sake, not least mine. What's now emerging though is that his wife (who has hitherto not been very interested in me) is becoming needy and intrusive, and I think angling for a replacement for my Dad on some emotional level. Although I'm going to have to be firm, just being the subject of passive aggressive, 'helpless' behaviour is really draining.

Thanks OP for starting this thread - it's been cathartic.

[thesandwich]

Another one echoing the Electronic tag with no end date. It i isn’t easy at all and each time one issue is sorted another one pops up....
🍰and 🍷for all.

[Ophelialovescats]

I also think some people think just because a person is elderly that we have to sacrifice a lot of our time for them, when in actual fact a lot of my resentment comes from the fact that I didn't get effective parenting when I was a child.

[thesandwich]

Absolutely....... the other threads on this board are full of -us- people who experience s echo yours!
And especially daughters!

[Poudrenez]

I can relate to that too OP. I suffered emotional abuse at the hands of my father's wife growing up, and he failed to keep me safe. Now, I apparently owe them. It doesn't work like that!

[IrmaFayLear]

Fil has had dementia for some years and is in a home. He is in decent physical shape but has absolutely no mental function. Dh is conflicted because he just doesn’t really care: fil was completely uninterested in dh and was also so stingy that he’s probably delighted that all the inheritance is gone on care home fees.

[Winterlight]

Speaking of going down in flames- I few nights ago I lay awake in the early hours holding back the dark thoughts by picturing a giant asteroid landing on my mother’s immaculate bungalow leaving nothing but a crater.

Told DH and he said that there is an asteroid due to hit earth in 2135 and I said knowing my mother she’ll not only still be around then but she’ll survive unscathed.

Another only child to emotionally absent parents here. 🍷Here’s to us all keep you eyes on the skies.

[Poudrenez]

Winterlight I often imagine myself as a scud missile flying through the clouds, then suddenly pitching down, and locking onto it's target (My dad's house).

[picklemepopcorn]

What I want to know is, chicken or egg?

Are they extra difficult, or are we less able to put up with it because of our history?

I think they are extra difficult. They were absent/demanding when we were children, and they still are.

Sorry, thinking out loud by the looks of it!

[thesandwich]

Agree pickle, them not us.... and we do not have the emotional capital laid down by many years of being supported/ cared for by parents to either give us a role model or a reason for doing it......

[IrmaFayLear]

Well, my dm always says a nasty young person becomes a nasty old person. And I find that as people age, their character traits become enhanced - or exaggerated - as older people tend to lose their filter.

[ParoxetineQueen]

Pickle and Irma, got to agree. My mum gives the outward appearance of being a sweet old lady to carers and medical staff, the reality is she has always been mean spirited even with things that have no impact on her life, she just doesn’t want anyone to have anything nice. She has always played the martyr card too and sits stewing over wrongs that people long dead have done to her.
Rant over for now!

[picklemepopcorn]

Oh, but it's good to say it out loud sometimes!

[RoxytheRexy]

This is exactly how I feel. I hate thinking it but I just can’t wait for my mother to die.

She’s a horrible person and always has been. Between her and my DD dementia I think I’ve had 10 years off my life

[Ophelialovescats]

I completly agree with you, picklemon, but if the person has every good reason to go NC perhaps the sib supporting the parent should let the parent know why the NC sib feels like that.

[LighthouseSouth]

Glad to find this
Ugh elderly parents
Someone just shoot me please. They seem to be unstoppable and I think it will be worse when there's one. Or I'll have to move far away.
They made a comment about inheritance today. There won't be one. It will go on them living to 109, being treated privately for every condition you can think of, coming out the other side, then going on a holiday to celebrate while complaining that, having done work, hospital etc etc I don't want to go for a celebration dinner.

At the point I don't know if it's just easier if I off myself first. (No need to suggest Samaritans, not actually going to do it tonight).

But where is the hope? I'm an atheist and I even tried praying though obvs that got me nothing. Thanks for the thread op.

[thesandwich]

Lighthouse- can you say more? Sounds like you could do with a few listening ears. What’s making you feel like this?

[Ophelialovescats]

Yes Lighhouse, it sounds like you are bearing the burden alone?

[LighthouseSouth]

thanks all

yes, my sister doesn't do anything and that was so sensible of her.

I'm now in that place where my parents will loudly declare they don't "need" help, then later - always at some point of emergency - declare they do - and then after I've helped they have no appreciation of the strain (I have long hours at work, they are not nearby, I have depression and anxiety too, sorry to be a cliche).

I know some posters on here were badly treated by their parents. I don't fall into that bracket in terms of the past. But I feel they behave badly and selfishly in their old age - as if old age entitles them to something.

I have to learn to say no, cut myself off. the fact they might live another 20 years is terrifying.

[Ophelialovescats]

I have heard that older people's behaviour can worsen with age.
Why doesn't your sister help?

[LighthouseSouth]

Ophelia, my sister never liked them even when we were children

also she feels free of obligation which is good

she never socialised with them after leaving home, whereas I did. What a mistake that was!

[Time40]

I'm desperate for my elderly father to die. Absolutely desperate. It will be a mercy for him, and a mercy for me. You are not evil, OP.

[Ophelialovescats]

Is he in pain, Time?

[Ophelialovescats]

Lighthouse, I take it you get on well with you sis.
Is she completly NC with yoyr parents?