Probably going down in flames...

[Ophelialovescats]

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

[FuckKnuckle]

@Lighthouse, bless you - what's happened?

[picklemepopcorn]

Hope you are ok, Lighthouse! Remember this isn't your fault. It is stuff that happens and is stressful. Stuff that you may be able to help out with. But not your responsibility or fault!

[LighthouseSouth]

Thanks all

I think it's the combination of trying to help out when I don't even like the man

Plus we have gone from him seeming to be at deaths door and now he's bounced back to the point that he's just being rude to mum which has given the rage all my life

She is just desperate for him to live


Now I think we are looking at the possibility of him being discharged and having to sort out home care

I used to think that I had to help mum because otherwise she would collapse

Now I think I'm the person most likely to collapse!

And all this for a man I've disliked all my life. He's fallen out with most of his mates over the years because of his anger issues and general unpleasantness

Oh and the neighbors who are trying to help, still my mum is saying she doesnt want to take help from them. I live 90 mins away. I'm exhausted.

They also have a very disorganised approach to everything which isn't helping

Meanwhile I cannot believe what I see the hospitals can do to keep people alive. Combined with his extraordinary determination to live, I cannot see the end of this.

BP has hit 174 even after getting home and having a rest. Perhaps I do need to make a doc appointment?

[thesandwich]

Lighthouse, please see a doc.

[LighthouseSouth]

hi again
yes I'm seeing a doc this afternoon.

meanwhile I will post in legal but busy trying to work out if I can do Lasting Power of Attorney without a solicitor...anyone know?

of course I asked them to sort this shit out years ago....!

[picklemepopcorn]

You can, if it is straight forward. It's not too hard, to be honest. Getting agreement is another matter...

[LighthouseSouth]

thanks pickle

so if I print off the forms and dad signs them in hospital, does it need witnessing?

[FuckKnuckle]

Hi, @Lighthouse,

That would raise my blood pressure too - I'm so sorry you find yourself stuck in this position. I'm glad you're seeing the GP.

I don't know too much about the actual process of applying for POA - my brother and my DH both have it for Mum, but I wasn't involved - but I do know that it's crucial that you get it sorted, if you can, while your father is deemed to be of sound mind. If it gets to a point where he isn't, the whole business becomes much longer and much more tortuous.

Thinking about you - please keep us posted.

[picklemepopcorn]

Yes, someone who has known him for a while needs to witness it. There is a pack online, gov.uk, that talks you through it.

[roisinagusniamh]

Relieved to have found this thread....I feel the same as Ophelia and others on this thread .
My mother is getting more demanding and I am (luckily living overseas) having to visit every school holiday to relieve my siblings .

[ParoxetineQueen]

Resurrecting this zombie thread because I’m still here as is Mum. Wondering if anybody else is still soldiering on?

[LighthouseSouth]

Hi Paroxetine
Interesting someone else remembers the thread.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent!

Sometimes it’s just wondering which of us will go first. Stress, heart etc. Hope things are better for you.

[ParoxetineQueen]

Hi, Lighthouse,
Much the same here, a very gradual decline. It’s August so not unexpectedly or undeserved many of the regular carers are taking a break (lucky for them), so the moan factor has stepped up a notch. Any suggestion of me taking a holiday or even a day off is met with ‘that face’. She had some understandable concerns that she asked us to sort out, but then realised that it would (and has) caused a bit of a family rift, cue tears and ‘forgetting’ what she’d said. Just waiting for the next thing!
As you say, names have been changed, not sure I always feel innocent but I’m hoping for extenuating circumstances to be taken into account.
So glad this forum exists and one lovely neighbour who ‘gets it’.
Hope your heart holds out and you aren’t always stressed.

[LighthouseSouth]

Paroxetine, so you see her every day? I'm 90 mins away from my olds so I have that safety net/argument.

it's the knowing you will be relieved...rationally I know it doesn't make me a bad person but I feel like it does. This is not how anyone imagines parental relations will end

[ParoxetineQueen]

Not every day, 3-4 times a week. It’s a 45 minute drive each way. When she left hospital they though she would only live a few more weeks and although she agreed to go to the home, I think she secretly hoped we could look after her but my brother was already feeling the strain and me moving in wasn’t a realistic option. I felt guilty so I felt the least I could do was visit her.
Although there is no dementia, the Mum I loved has long gone and it’s a living death for her too. As you say, it’s not how anyone imagines their lives will end.

[LighthouseSouth]

If mine were in a home, I don’t think I’d go that often, that’s really kind of you.

It’s amazing how many of these “death is imminent” crises are not that at all these days.

[VentingDaughter]

Goodness, OP, your opening post rings so many bells for me. My mother was never the maternal type, and some of the incidents from my childhood that are coming most closely to mind these days are the times when she didn't visit me when I was in hospital, or when I didn't get as many visits home as everyone else when I was at boarding school because she thought it absolutely obvious that she shouldn't be expected to travel for an hour to pick me up. There were kids there whose parents lived several hours away who saw them more often than I saw mine, and it hurt.

So now roles are reversed after she had a mildish stroke after my father's death, and has been gradually sliding into vascular dementia. I've spent years visiting her in her sheltered accommodation and more recently in hospital and in the care home she's just moved into. I wouldn't mind but for the fact that she is so determined not to help herself in any way and is desperate for any excuse to moan. In the early stages she basically refused to engage in any sort of rehabilitative treatment that might have helped her mobility, speech and ability to write, and whilst she claimed to be bored and frustrated she rejected every attempt to organise things she might enjoy, even when they required minimal effort from her. She had carers going in twice a day to help with various things, and more than once I or my brother heard her being incredibly rude to them.

Things actually improved while she was in hospital - although she wouldn't admit it, I think she quite enjoyed being able to watch what was going on around her, and when she said she was bored I could see it was perfectly justified. However, now she's moved into a care home where you would think her life was considerably improved, she's gone back to square one.

Matters came to some sort of a head this weekend when, having spent the morning working on clearing out her flat, I spent what turned out to be over an hour driving to the home (due to bad traffic) only to find her again moaning about utterly ridiculous things. It was "too quiet" apparently but she wouldn't put on her radio or watch the TV in her room because there was "nothing on". She claimed the staff weren't helping her with practising walking, but she wouldn't ask them to help. She didn't like what she'd had for lunch, but she chose it. I can just see a return to the scenario where she won't take part in anything the home has to offer by way of activities and will spend her life complaining how boring it all is. When I heard her muttering that she wished it was my brother who had come to visit, I was severely tempted just to say "Fine, you don't want me to visit, I won't bother" and walk out and not come back.

But I know I won't just because I would feel so guilty. And a part of me acknowledges that, when she had the stroke, nature probably intended her to die, and the end of her life would have been much, much better if she had. I'm really not sure that medical science is necessarily doing the elderly any favours, at least unless and until a cure for dementia is found.

[LighthouseSouth]

Venting, that sounds so hard. I must admit, again, I’m in the camp that would give very little to someone who had given so little.

“I'm really not sure that medical science is necessarily doing the elderly any favours”. This is true in so many ways. My mother expressed concern about me “doing too much” this weekend and I thought she meant work wise. Then my father expressed puzzlement at the time I took to run an errand and then said outright “how could you have walked there and back in that time?” I was actually dawdling because it was sunny. But to him, it takes so long to walk from A to B, he has genuinely forgotten that someone younger will do it quickly.

I then asked my mum what she had meant and it turns out she thinks my workout routine is OTT and the weights I use are too heavy. I remember when she was much stronger than I am now!

If I prayed, I’d pray to not hit old age. I was looking at a photo of them from 10 years ago - the difference is shocking.

[ParoxetineQueen]

Venting, second paragraph on I could have written every word.

[VentingDaughter]

It's good to know I'm not alone!

[LighthouseSouth]

As we are crossing all the lines on polite chat

I wonder if some refuse rehab in the hope of hastening death?

[ParoxetineQueen]

Interesting question about the rehab. Mum certainly didn’t want to put any effort into any exercise that might have helped her mobility or breathing after her falls yet has demanded antibiotics for every infection. I think it’s a case of ‘tired of living yet scared of dying’.

[LighthouseSouth]

I can understand that....an infection can make you feel so awful, there’s a lot of treatments I’d refuse but antibiotics is not on that list.

[VentingDaughter]

My mother can be quite bizarre about rehab. She was complaining to my brother that she wasn't getting enough exercise and a nurse said she'd refused to move when the physio turned up. Brother asked her why, she said she didn't want to, he said fine but she can hardly complain if she refuses to take up the offer when it's there. She was most indignant, and said "Well, they should have made me, that's what I'm here for!"

[LighthouseSouth]

Venting, is your mum considered to be lacking in capacity?

it's very awkward I know. When my dad was in hospital once, there was a couple who complained that physio weren't making enough effort with the guy. I was there a few times and they clearly didn't want to force him. Then he'd tell his wife he wasn't pushed enough. It was ridiculous.

I actually found it quite harsh what dad was expected to do a few times - but he didn't and was glad to be helped. I feel sorry for hospital staff caught in these mixes. (I kept my mouth shut though, I wouldn't dream of saying anything if the patient is okay with what's happening).

Oh powers that be, do not let me get old.....