Probably going down in flames...

[Ophelialovescats]

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

I'm not sure whether there has been a formal decision that she lacks capacity for most purposes, although I think she certainly does for some. I can see why they didn't want to try to make her co-operate when she refused, and may have felt they didn't really have time to jolly her along or to come back later when she would probably have forgotten that she ever said No.

I've told the kids to push me over a cliff if I show signs of going that way.

I guess if there'd been a formal decision they'd tell you?

don't ask your DC to push you off a cliff - it's not fair and they'll go to prison!

Hi again, my siblings in Ireland have decided to take care of my mother themselves by taking turns to have her at their houses. She is in the early stages of demencia. She's needs help to wash, dress and with many other tasks. A Carer will come in to their houses twice a day to do this.
Because they have made this decision and Mum has agreed (as far as she can understand)they expect my sister and I,who both live abroad, to go over every school holiday and take over.
This has put us in a very difficult situation.
We dont agree with them taking on Mum's full time care and think she should be in a Nursing Home but because they are going ahead with their plan we can't object.

@ roisinagusniamh

because they are going ahead with their plan we can't object

Is that actually the case? I think you absolutely have the right to object! They are going ahead with their plan, if they've not listened to you then that falls on them, in my mind.

However, all of this sounds very familiar - I thought my Dad should go into a home, but didn't dare speak up, and suffered years of resentful caregiving. I would advise anyone in your position (early dementia of parent) to consider exactly what you are prepared to do, state it, write it down, and stick to it. Be selfish, because I don't believe providing care for someone reluctantly actually helps anyone; the caregiver is understandably miserable, and the person being cared for can sense it. I know that my Dad died surrounded by bitterness and resentment and I can't say he didn't suffer because of that. He thought it was 1973 anyway, so he didn't know who these angry people living with him (his wife and my sister and brother) were. He'd have been much better in a home, and so would everyone apart from his wife, whose sense of duty overrode everything else.

And in the gentlest way possible, it doesn't sound as though your sibling's plan is tenable. Once dementia gets worst the last thing anyone will need is her moving around constantly.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's bloody horrible, I know.

Thank you so much for that Lucky.
Sorry to hear about your father.
They are ignoring our objections because Mum agrees with them and they all have a negative mindset regarding Care Homes. And I think they worry about being judged by the wider family and relatives.
However, they get cross with her and have little understanding of her condition.
They are going to share the care with Mum going from house to house.
The demands on us to do our 'bit' have started already.
One sibling just sent out a Group chat message asking for me or sis to cover the weekend after next while they all attend a wedding. I have ignored it so far.
It is ridiculous.
They are actually saying that they are doing us a favour by having Mum even though we don't agree.

Your poor mother! I don't know about the situation in Ireland, but in England I'd be advising you to be speaking to both Social Services and her GP expressing your concerns about her being moved around from house to house (very hard for a dementia sufferer and likely to speed her decline) and by being cared for by people with no dementia training who have demonstrated a lack of tolerance.

You dont have to look after her. Look for a home and be free. I appreciate how u feel. Im dreading my mam getting old old. Just dont want to deal with it

Jeepers How would you like people to deal with you when you are old? Or don't you really believe that will happen to you?

Thank you Mere .
I had a frank conversation with my sibling about how we are going to tackle this. We both feel that our Mum is becoming more and more unhappy, lost and confused due to the moving from house to house. Last week she spent all week in one house but was moved mid week because they needed to go out somewhere and the other sib would not come to where she was at to look after her.
We feel helpless because they are dealing with all Mum's affairs....her GP, Social care, etc.
And they seem to think it is justified to summons her home every time they want to go to a Social event.

us home, rather.

Hi OP,

Are you still here? I know this is an old thread but it’s still limping along - a bit like the people on it maybe - myself included.
I posted at the start of the thread and still find so much comfort in re reading it. I hope people are doing ok.

My father is still alive and still keeping careful note of who does what and if you skip a ‘duty’ it is noted and you’ll get the ‘face’ plus a bad mouthing behind your back ( it always gets back to you).Nothing is said openly. There is no honest conversation. it is very important to him that family do everything as he views that as a sign of how much he is loved . He harshly judges people who put parents in a home , no matter what the reason. He harshly judges everyone .
I’m such a horrible person for writing that but it’s how I feel . In fact I feel a lot more but I’m holding back.
Op I’m Irish too. I think there is a hell of a lot of social and family pressure in Ireland to be a ‘good family’- ie everyone loves everyone and is close to their parents . That pressure may be what your sisters are feeling - what will the neighbours say if we put mum in a home?
My family is completely fractured now. Actually that’s not true. It was always fractured but now it’s no longer hidden.
Don’t let your siblings order you about . Do what you can / want to and no more.

Very late to this thread and have skimmed through to get the gist and today just need somewhere to vent.I hear what you say OP and you're not evil.I want my mum to die because she is repeatedly telling us she's had enough.It is what she wants.She is in her late 90s ,very frail,losing her sight and yet still living at home but refusing any help but for a cleaner once a fortnight - and that's been an almighty struggle to get that accepted.She is housebound so everything else is down to myself and my siblings,but everything is a battle.She will tell you how hard everything is,but fights any practical solutions. She will tell you she doesn't need a visit,then be miserable and say she didn't see anyone.
I have realised recently that I feel stressed and anxious a lot and it's the drip drip effect of dreading going to see her - most days - and guilt if I don't.She gets basic attendance allowance but won't hear of anyone else doing her shopping,washing etc.She can manage is all I hear.Except she can't. We do it.
She wasn't a bad mum by any means,but her career was hugely important to her.From about 13 I had a key after school,sorted all my own meals, washing etc..She did help as a grandma to a certain extent but pretty much when it suited her..
I feel resentment that she had none of this responsibilty .At 60 she retired,had her hobbies and holidays - and a state pension -and for a brief period took her MIL the odd meal.Her own mum had died before she retired.But it sounds harsh to say this seems to be going on forever,and I know when she has gone I will feel sadness but increasing I think a massive release.I feel my own life is on hold until she dies.Just having a bad day today I guess !

Snuggle
I feel the same a lot of the time . It is relentless.
My own parents had none of this caring themselves . Horrible of me to say but by their mid 40s they were free agents . Retired by 54. All of expected to be out of the home and independent by 18. I would never have asked or expected help or emotional support .