Probably going down in flames...

[Ophelialovescats]

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

[LighthouseSouth]

Ophelia, no, she pops by twice a year to say hello

mostly to ensure her inheritance

I would like to go down her path

if she gets away with that and they don't think badly of her....well they used to, but they've come to accept it now.

[petrolpump28]

does anybody feel their own life is trickling away waiting for parents to depart?
I honestly dont know who I am anymore.

[thesandwich]

Oh petrol I am sorry🌺🌺🌺please have a read of the other elderlies board- and the mantras of boundaries, self care, and a good dollop of Teflon on the shoulders to protect... plus 🍷and🍰 and🍫🍫

[user1487671808]

It’s horrible isn’t it but I feel the same about my mother. She hated her own mother and resented her hugely and we have never had a good mother daughter relationship. She’s literally the last person I’d ever have gone to for support but now she needs round the clock care, is in a home and I’m her only access to the outside world. Whatever I do it’s never enough and although I understand her life now is pretty awful, I’m also well aware that if our position were reversed I’d never see her. Now it’s all too late and I see her every week and do my very best but I can’t work a miracle. Just wish occasionally she would thank me or show it’s appreciated but she never does because it’s not enough and it’s all about her. Because she’s cared for 24/7 in a home she’s in better physical health than ever, relatively young and will probably carry on for years being trapped and miserable. It’s heartbreaking and depressing for all and so very sad that I’m secretly hoping that another massive stroke will end it all. I’ve actually spent more time with her in the last 5 years than in the previous 25 and those visits just suck the life out of me.

[petrolpump28]

gosh user thats a grim scenario. so sorry.

[user1487671808]

Thanks petrol makes me sound a real misery fest but it’s how it is.

[AcrossthePond55]

My mum was wonderful and my childhood was a near perfection as you can think. But it will still be a blessing when she dies. And if Mum could talk, she'd say the same thing! She's 96 and has severe dementia. Luckily she's is a good care home and my brother and I share visiting her, although she no longer knows who we are. We aren't physically burdened as she's in a home, but it's still being 'tied down' as we don't feel as free plan holidays or to come and go on days out on 'our day' without making sure the other one will be around to 'cover' for us. As good as a care home may seem to be, you still feel the need to keep an eye on them.

So it's not just people with 'troublesome' relationships with a parent who will be relieved when they die. Many of us who had/have wonderful relationships will be relieved, too.

[LighthouseSouth]

oh Petrol, I do feel for you

more than I can say!!

[LighthouseSouth]

sorry, catching up

flowers for everyone!

[Usernameschmusername1]

Op,

I feel the same. I particularly recognise what Petrol said. I sometimes calculate how many more years ( in theory) I will have to continue at my father's beck and call and realise I will be elderly when 'freedom' comes . I then realise I am the horrible person my parents told me I was when I was a teenager!

I also have a severely disabled child to look after. He is never mentioned by my father or most of my siblings. When my mother was alive and I went against my better judgment and tried to express my complicated feelings ( as a career) she suggested I put my son in a home . Neither of my parents had this caring role for their own parents.

Sorry to derail OP. Once the floodgates open its hard to stop !

[LighthouseSouth]

Usernameschmusername1

not a bad person at all

for me there's the irony that my parents were first ill when I was in my 20s and I was delighted they were still here when I had my 40th birthday

I still remember, in those days, when I occasionally heard a story from someone who felt relief at the passing of a parent, I felt a bit shocked. How stupid I was.

but even in the intervening years, I would look at people in retirement who were looking after elderly parents and think "that must be awful".

Now the idea of being 60 and helping parents in their 90s is terrifying me.

[Ophelialovescats]

Username , how awful for you. It's that scanario that upsets me so much.......they didn't help when you needed it and yet you are expected to look after your Dad now. Do your siblings look after him too?
Your mother suggesting you put your child in a home is beyond cruel !

[Usernameschmusername1]

Ophelia,

Thank you for your comments. Sibling involvement varies . There is one who loudly chased off another sibling when they asked for financial help , only to clean out my fathers account themselves. This is all 'secret'. Another relative quietly informed us all but the dead was done. Nothing can be discussed openly . My father will not tolerate any questioning or requests for information , he very much feels he knows best.
As a result of all this some siblings have gone very low contact.
To be honest I was shaken when I found out what had happened and I realised that I had been lied to over the years . Large sums had gone to one or two siblings for decades but it was kept secret. That is another thread!

Roles have been allocated to each of us. For some of us meeting that demand is very difficult due to our circumstances and for others it costs them little.
But my father keeps a careful note of who hasn't done their 'duty'. So there is a heavy weight always there .
Despite all this I do have a deep empathy for my father being a widower .
But I find my birth family oppressive and only trust one or two of them.
Depressing.

[petrolpump28]

shausername, interesting you say neither parent had this role. My father didnt take on a caring role as his parents died and my Grandma went quickly and without pain, so no role there for Mum.

Things have changed so much. Families scattered and people living longer. I think the lesson i have learnt is be open, pragmatic and sensible with your kids, and avoid this heartache.

[Usernameschmusername1]

Petrol,

I've been thinking along the same lines. I can only speak for myself but I notice a difference in attitude generally. My parents felt ( and feel) able to interfere and pronounce judgement in every area of their adult children's lives. Even on very personal matters . I would never do that . In fact the older I get , the less I feel I know !
I'll make different mistakes I suppose

[Tartyflette]

Ophelia, It's fucking hard. I know how you feel. My DM died a couple of years ago just shy of her 90th birthday after 12 years of worsening dementia; some of that time she was in residential care, which was easier for me and DB but prior to that life was a constant, all-pervading stream of worry and drama.
It affected my own mental health and my relationship with my DM.
After the went into a home life was easier in that some of the worry was removed but I still visited her every other day and my DB once a week (he lived about 1-1/2 hours away and still worked, I did not.)
Even so it was a relief when she died (thank you pneumonia). In reality she had left us many years before and was just a shell of a human being with no quality of life.
I also think that trying to prolong life in all circumstances is not always correct -- even when it was clear that my DM was dying the nursing home and GP said she should go to hospital to have IV antibiotics instead of staying in the home where she had lived for several years, in comfort and surrounded by familiar people and things.
Bitter experience told me she would then be on a trolley amidst the turmoil of an A&E Dept for many hours and then probably be discharged back to the home again. (Because that's what happens once they know someone's in a nursing home.)
I refused and she died peacefully 12 hours or so later. I feel guilty about it even though I believe it was the right thing to do for her. But I felt relief (and still do) so I suppose I feel guilty for me. She was my mum.

[LighthouseSouth]

Tarty, you mention "shell"

my mum actually told me she feels like a shell and is waiting to die....but won't sign an advance directive thingy. Last time she was blue lighted to hospital, she actually asked my dad not to call the ambulance...but then he had to say to her "are you sure" because she's never signed that paper...so then she said "okay, call them" and then after a few days in hospital, came home and kept telling us "why didn't I die, it's not fair".

[MoreCheerfulMonica]

Hadn’t seen this thread until today and there’s so much here to relate to. My mother has always been difficult and demanding and has become even more so in old age. She frequently lashes out at those around her.

For those who aren’t already on it, may I recommend the long-running caring for elderly parents thread? It offers a more realistic view of what it’s like, rather than the romanticised twaddle that some like to promote.

[petrolpump28]

when I mention my very elderly parents, the reaction is nearly always an " aw". Trust me there is no aw.

[LighthouseSouth]

Monica, I looked at that first but there's not enough ranting to feel safe there

[thesandwich]

Lighthouse all ranters v v welcome!! We all have our ranty moments!!

[Ophelialovescats]

Petrol, that "aw" makes me laugh ...as if people who were always nasty become cute and sweet just because they are old . Quite the opp, their negative qualities become even more pronounced!
My mother is so selfish and rude . She puts the phone down on me while I am mid sentence because I cannot be of any use to her at that persice moment !

[petrolpump28]

like they have " done well" for being old!

[AcrossthePond55]

as if people who were always nasty become cute and sweet just because they are old

This is so, so true! I think a person's personality 'intensifies' as they get old, especially if they have dementia. My cousin is in the same boat I am, our mothers are sisters, both with advanced dementia, both in care homes. My auntie had always been a, well, a very bossy person who had no problem telling it like it is, 'for your own good' of course. Especially to my poor cousin. My mum was always calm, even tempered, and very kind. My mum has become even more docile and quiet where my auntie has become a real tartar. She's even hit and slapped her carers and my cousin, and tells her to 'go away' and steers her to the door by the arm when she comes to see her. It's so hard for my cousin as she's such a sweet person herself to feel such rejection from her own mother.

What pisses me off is that millions and millions is spent for research to enable people to 'live longer' but not a tenth of it is spent on research for dementia, alzheimer's, and related conditions of the mind. And society is so far behind in helping families care for their elderly. The answer is either 'move them in with you' or 'put them in a home'. The first isn't always practical and the latter isn't always affordable!!!

[MoreCheerfulMonica]

LighthouseSouth - You must have looked at one of the quieter pages, because we're often ranting or gently rocking in the corner while trying not to scream!