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Elderly parents
Original poster

Probably going down in flames...

238 replies

Ophelialovescats · 04/05/2018 18:40

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 11:20

One feels that she has nothing left to give. She lives nearby, but currently won't see her at all. She particularly hates feeling tied down, so won't say when she will visit or commit to anything.

The other has small children, and a business. He finds it difficult to set aside the time.

DM is difficult, and always wants more. It's hard work being with her. She can be very critical. Everything has to revolve around her, her ideas, her preferences. I take food down with me, else I'd starve!

While my dad was ill, I went down and stayed with them for about five days every month. Now it's going to be more like a long weekend every six weeks. I ring her every couple of days though, and talk for an hour. I send shopping by amazon when she needs things.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 05/05/2018 11:36

Sounds like mine , everything has to revolve around her .
Do difficult to be with her because I will never get over her lack of interest in me or my family....she has more empathy with the characters in Corrination street 😂

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 13:26

Sounds familiar! Never stops talking about people I don't know, and knows very little about us. She doesn't know when I work, and has only just twigged what I do.

Needmoresleep · 05/05/2018 13:28

It struck me that DMs a bit like a nuclear reactor. She has been living with dementia for a decade and may well live for another decade. A half life of 20 years.

There... said it.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 05/05/2018 14:30

Pickle ...are you me ?
My mother's lack of interest in me is astounding!
Needmore, you have my sympathy.

OP posts:
LanaorAna2 · 05/05/2018 14:40

Agree with everyone, not sure what the lone snarky exception was aiming at.

It's absolutely fine, sometimes essential, to be relieved. Make the most of it.

Especially nowadays when so many people have gone years before they die. And the diseases that led to that are so destructive and damaging to other people.

picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 15:30

We lost the 'wrong' parent. My lovely Dad, who we would all have bent over backwards for but who wouldn't have asked for a thing, died in January. He leaves us my Mum, who he looked after as though she was made of glass. She has been on a steep learning curve, as she was very dependent on him.

And of course, such is the way, the in laws are failing too. We have a little space, as DFil is not too bad yet, but DMil has dementia and they have a dependent adult son as well.

pigpoglet · 05/05/2018 15:36

Why do you have to look after her ? Doesn't she have any money to pay for care ? Surely if that's the case the state step in? I'm glad my mum has enough money to pay for care because I won't be doing it . I love her and she was a good mum but she drives me nuts after half an hour 😬😬.

picklemepopcorn · 05/05/2018 16:26

Several reasons in my case... she believes family should, can never get on with professionals who don't come at the right time and do everything wrong. She hovers over them to make sure they make the tea in a pot, not in a mug.

Mine doesn't need proper personal care yet, more someone to make sure she hasn't fallen in the shower etc. And a regular hair brush and hairstyle. And someone to clear out her garage, sweep the leaves off the porch, change the bulb, move the pots around. General skivvy really.

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 06/05/2018 09:15

Same with my mother . She won't have a full time carer , although she can afford it. She believes that family should look after her . However, she has a person come in every morning to help her wash .

OP posts:
WomaninGreen · 06/05/2018 09:18

Ophelia what happens if you all say no?

ParoxetineQueen · 06/05/2018 13:19

I’ll go down with you Ophelia! Don’t know where to start there’s so much backstory. I feel guilty for taking a couple of days ‘off’ and know full well there will be another crisis because I have actually taken time to do my housework and spend time with my very patient DH.

thesandwich · 06/05/2018 14:47

Me too queen- there yesterday, and tomorrow- but feel guilty today. 😢

Original poster
Ophelialovescats · 06/05/2018 14:48

Womaningreen, saying "no" would add to my sibling's burden. I live away , the bear the majority of the care . I'm doing it for them .

OP posts:
Iggiattheend · 06/05/2018 14:54

Would it not be better to step back from the care and then you wouldn’t mind how long she lived! You could still do some duty visits. Ime it’s not the norm anymore for family to be doing personal care. I did less than you have done for my dm and she was lovely. But maybe that’s why she didn’t expect me to.

Iggiattheend · 06/05/2018 14:55

Cross post, but you might find they would welcome a step back too

ALemonyPea · 06/05/2018 15:25

Pickle, your 15:30 post yesterday rings so true about MIL. DFIL died quickly following a cancer dx, and MIL struggled on for the 7 years she was alive afterwards, relying heavily on me and DH, more me as I was a SAHM at the time. It really soured our relationship and towards the end I resented the burden she had become, as she refused to move to a nursing home or accept any further help other than from DH and I. BIL was an utter fuckwit and never helped at all, even though he has no DC and 4 days off a week.

ParoxetineQueen · 06/05/2018 16:15

Iggia, my brother lives at home, Mum and he have had a difficult relationship at the best of times, so I feel I’m letting him down too.She has carers in for personal care once a day

picklemepopcorn · 06/05/2018 16:52

My mum's refusal to tolerate carers became a safeguarding issue when she was looking after Dad on her own. She objected to paying for a service which she felt was inadequate, and thought it was easier to do it herself. The service was poor, but it was better than nothing.

whitecloud · 07/05/2018 20:16

Well done, Ophelia for voicing what so many people feel. If you are elderly and are totally self-centred, critical and selfish you shouldn't be surprised if people feel resentful and trapped if they have to care for you. Anyone who is righteous about how terrible it is to feel as you do, I'd like to bet has never been in the situation. It is hard to let people take the consequences of their actions if they refuse care or to do this or that and take advantage of the goodwill of their family. It annoys me when people can afford care but think their families should do everything without a break. It's wrong and unfair. It's also natural to feel as you do.

pigpoglet · 07/05/2018 20:18

Exactly what I was going to say ... why not say no .. or does she have some kind of hold over you?

pigpoglet · 07/05/2018 20:20

Why not all say no , sit down and say it's too much and she needs to get carers in .. I don't see why this would be a problem . My dad lived in a hospital bed in their house for a year before he died and we got carers in 3 x a day . Our relationship then stayed as one of love and emotional support and not one of bitterness and bad feeling.

Panga63 · 07/05/2018 20:24

I could have the same thing about my elderly aunt - who is an emotional vampire. She and my uncle never had children so its fallen to me to act as their POA and skivvy as their nearest relative (my DSis lives 3 hours away). DUnc is a sweetie and a very good patient (has dementia) and she's been in stubborn denial for years about his condition. He's easy to manage but she's a pain in the backside; "glass is not just half empty, its cracked!", supercritical, paranoid and as tight as a ducks a*. DSis and I are convinced he'd thrive in our local nursing home (my mum lives there), as they have lots of musical and "cinema" nights that he'd love. But she stubbornly insists he stays with her (we think so she doesn't have to pay for his care out of their savings) and is unpleasant to him because of her frustration with his illness. I hope she goes first so he gets a bit of peace and quiet! Sad

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2018 20:32

Pigpoglet, there absolutely would be bitterness and bad feeling!

Some people are very stubborn, and would cut off their own nose to spite their face. My mum would happily lie in a heap on the floor for a week if it would give her dramatic bragging and guilt tripping rights. Honestly, it's easier to tread a the fine line of pandering to her while still staying sane,

Winterlight · 09/05/2018 15:53

I have these thoughts. I’m four years on from my Dads Alzheimer’s diagnosis and just had an awful few weeks. But it’s my mum who is in relatively good health who sucks the life out of me. She is self absorbed, insensitive with no warmth about her.

I just want to be free of the responsibility. I feel like I’m wearing an electronic tag but have no idea when my release day might be.