Probably going down in flames...

[Ophelialovescats]

I am saying something here that I cannot say in real life , so ,here goes....I am looking forward to my elderly mother's death...
OMG ! I am evil !

[picklemepopcorn]

Ooh yes, lighthouse, plenty of ranting there. Though it does go in waves, I think!

I eye up my elderly in laws and worry about who will go first, how will the other cope, and what will happen to BiL (never lived alone, undiagnosed/unrecognised special needs).

[rockcakesrock]

I agree with all that has been said. No matter how confused they are they all seem to put on the sweet person act for everyone else. All of my cousins, the neighbours, care staff were all treated with respect. They listen to her lies and looked down on me. Even though I wrecked my health giving In to endless demands . Never a please or a thank you or a bit of gratitude.

When one cousins remarked how awful my brother was for never visiting, i defended him by saying that she had no idea of the life we had as children. That he had it even worse than I did. I then got a phone call from her daughter, chastising me for upsetting her mother.

Mother went on and on about how I would inherit her house, how I would be rich one day. Often said in front of DH, with a remark that his parents were Council House Tenants. When she died I gave it all away. It would have choked me to spend one penny of her money.

That would have killed her, if she was not already dead. She was the meanest woman on earth. She would begrudge every penny given to Charity, or any help given to anyone beside herself.

[doesthisnamelookgoodonme]

This thread is a relief to read, I have just posted about FIL, it's a long one so didn't want to post on this thread x

[Usernameschmusername1]

Monica ,

I've looked at the other elderly parents threads but I have to agree with the poster who said they aren't ranty enough! There's a rawness to the posts here which I have found so helpful.

If I have missed other threads like this, please link them if you can .

Thank you to all who have posted here.

[LighthouseSouth]

yes huge thanks to everyone here and for the OP for starting the thread.

I hope we can use it as a ranty thread?

One of the things I am resentful about it is that it makes me feel so old. I always knew I didn't want a long life, but hearing the things they say...before insisting on more treatment to keep them alive....I just feel so old now, like within the last year or so.

[MoreCheerfulMonica]

Oh yes, I feel ancient now. In large part it’s because spending time with my mother is so draining and has depleted my reserves. So, solidarity, everyone!

[Tartyflette]

Oh god, the rows I used to have with my DM in the earlier stages of her dementia. She was totally irrational (but lucid) and couldn't see it at all, and I, in my then-ignorance and inexperience, could not understand why she did not listen to reason and did such seemingly stupid, cruel things
So full-blown, screaming and shouting and storming-out rows ensued, with heartache all round. Sadly she was also taken advantage of by some people around her and I couldn't do anything about that either.
It was the worst period of my life.
And yes, I've decided I don't ever want to be like that, or live too long. I'm going to sign an advance directive.

[petrolpump28]

musings....I suppose there is the kind, benign parent who becomes difficult and unpleasant in extreme old age and the one who has always been unpleasant and continues to do so.

These people were born into a different world and the adult/child dynamic was often different.....physical abuse was the norm, children should be seen and not heard, all that stuff.

I guess personally I have all the time in the world for anybody who realises they may have got it wrong and has the guts to say so.

[LighthouseSouth]

I skipped last weekend's visit

going for a couple of hours this weekend

it's a new boundary but I know it will need a lot of explaining but I don't want to explode at them, you know?

last night they were talking to me as if they were blaming my anxiety and depression for my "inability to cope" - it's annoying, but in a way, if they think my A&D is worse than it is, I should probably let them think that.

[AcrossthePond55]

it's annoying, but in a way, if they think my A&D is worse than it is, I should probably let them think that.

If that takes away some of the weight or unpleasantness, then absolutely let them think that! In fact, let them think that upsetting you could make you very ill and unable to visit at all.

[LighthouseSouth]

I'm thinking of trying to reduce to once a month

It's a three hour round trip if trains are okay

I need to learn the skill of just nodding along with them and if it's once a month rather than once a week, in theory, that should be easier? They have accepted they may need some home help. I'm normally there a good few hours helping with things, then they wonder why I'm not full of sparkling chat!

[doesthisnamelookgoodonme]

@LighthouseSouth I'm 25 weeks pregnant and still suffering from bad sickness, but even if I'm having a good day, it's. Great excuse 🙈🙈

[DentistWimp]

At what point do elderly people lose their personality and become selfish, self-absorbed and critical? It seems that everyone here has the same mother.

[Ophelialovescats]

I don't think that they lose their personalities, as such, more like their bad qualities become worse .
My mother is 90 % negative personality traits now. Occasionally, I am reminded of her positive qualities.....but , less and less frequently.

[picklemepopcorn]

I think the lovely parents have children who don't struggle with their care, partly because the parent doesn't demand anything unreasonable and partly because we don't mind being needed by people who were there for us when we needed them.

[LighthouseSouth]

Well my dad was never nice
Mum was lovely, in some ways she still is, but it depends if you catch her on a rare good day

I think part of it is they expect me to entertain them on top of other stuff, but also maybe mum's way of accepting things has changed e.g. She doesn't like me volunteering at the shelter. She thinks everything that can be done for the homeless is done by govt and charity is left for those "choosing" to be homeless. Perhaps it's easier for her to think that, or to complain I could spend that time with her.

My friend's mum died recently, she was the same age as my parents but in much better health, so very busy with hobbies etc and fun to be around. Her death was a total shock, but much better to go suddenly while still enjoying life. My frown has never had to help her same age parents with anything so the relationship is bound to be more free and easy isn't it.

I'm trying to show compassion but it's very difficult to keep hearing "I want to die..." Followed by "actually no, I will take the lifesaving treatment and then whine about how I didn't die". I don't enjoy criticising my folks but this thread is much needed therapy.

[doesthisnamelookgoodonme]

@LighthouseSouth I'm so with you. I get that from FIL. Last week it kicked off because he told me he's going to cut his throat, and I thought I best mention that to the nurses, but apparently I shouldn't have. Myself and OH have agreed that when he attempted suicide a few weeks back and then refused treatment, we shouldn't have convinced him otherwise. He clearly wants to go, and I'm now tasked with being the one who finds him dead one day. I'm hoping they keep him in hospital and don't let him home, that is a possibility

[LighthouseSouth]

@doesthisthreadlookgoodonme

Oddly enough I just saw your thread. I really feel for you.

[LankinMcElf]

It’s not always a matter of being stuck. I was very privileged to be able to care for my mum. She was tricky as fuck but i treasure the time we had

[AcrossthePond55]

I think the lovely parents have children who don't struggle with their care, partly because the parent doesn't demand anything unreasonable and partly because we don't mind being needed by people who were there for us when we needed them.

My parents were lovely. But it still takes its toll and it's still a struggle. We all still have to juggle our responsibilities to our own family with the needs of our parents. There may still be siblings who don't pull their weight. And no, there isn't the verbal abuse or 'demands' but it's still hard and the time needed isn't that different whether your parents are nice or nasty. And harder still to see a much beloved parent deteriorate before your eyes.

[picklemepopcorn]

Yes of course, across. I didn't mean to dismiss the efforts of families like yours.

Those of us with bad tempered, narcissistic elderlies are over represented in the ranting though, for obvious reasons!

[DentistWimp]

My mother has recently been in hospital and yes, the medics made mistakes, but she is alive and much better than when she originally went in. She was rude to the staff and is threatening to sue the NHS. She has a rant and a tirade against her doctor at every opportunity.

This week I attended the funeral of a darling, darling lady who passed away through cancer. She was a mum and a grandmother. She never had a bad word to say about anybody and she loved everybody. I am devastated for her and her family.

I am going to find dealing with my elderly mother as she becomes more elderly very hard indeed.

[littlebillie]

My DD died two years ago he was very ill and scared. It was a blessing but I miss the Dad he was to me when he was younger.

[LighthouseSouth]

Slightly worrying visit to the parents. My mother, who I said needs to stop driving ages ago, had a panic attack trying to move the car.

I suppose there is nothing I can do to stop this occurring on a busy road until she has a panic attack there.

My dad and I had a very honest conversation and he admitted they are making life harder for themselves because they refuse to accept their limits - but he also said he realises it's time to stop dragging me into it.

Their neighbours are trying hard to help with everything from bins to shopping but parents said that makes them uncomfortable.

There is nothing I can do to reduce their risk of accident etc and as I travelled home, I think I let go of it, if such a thing is possible.

We have agreed I'm not going to visit for at least the next three weekends. Yay!!

[AcrossthePond55]

Light I'm in the US so this may not apply, but when my Grandad became a dangerous driver we contacted the agency that controls driver's licenses (DMV here, not sure in the UK) and reported him. They called Grandad in for an exam which he failed and as a result he lost his license. Do they do similar in the UK?

Of course, my DH's Grandad lost his license when the police found him driving on the median rather than in a lane. Didn't stop him from driving though. FiL and his brother had to sneak in the dead of night and take his car keys.

The 'flip side' of this, however, is that now family has to drive them around everywhere.