Helpline to discuss next steps

[milkmoustache]

Hi all, I think we may have reached a crossroads with my mum whereby she can't live independently any longer. It would be incredibly useful to talk things through with a knowledgeable person who is not family, and who could talk me through some options. Does a helpline of this kind exist? I spoke to age UK who signposted some things, but really I need a more detailed discussion with someone who can get me to focus on the priorities for Mum.

Hope you get the help you are looking for, what things does your mum struggle with, what's her home situation, how old is she, does she have any health problems, does she live on her own and does she want any help. It's easier to help if we have a bit more info.

Hi, when we went through this with my Nan, we spoke to social services. They were really helpful and explained everything.

That's exactly what adult social care is for.

Google relevant local authority adult social care

The IMCA is a good starting place. Contact via local authority.

There's also quite a few adult social care social workers and occupational therapists on MN who could probably give general advice.

IMCAs (independent mental capacity advocates) are only for when someone has lost mental capacity and often can only be referred to via the local authority anyway.

Local advocacy service, gp

Try your local authority’s/ county council website who should have contacts for social services. The Carers Association may be able to advise too.

Thanks all. More details: my mum is 81, in quite good health, the main problems are her blindness (age related, and she really struggled with this(, and very sporadic bouts of bowel incontinence. The latter is a big problem because it creates horrible mess which obviously she can't see to clear up. She has a lovely cleaner twice a week who is totally prepared to clear up, but obviously nobody can predict when she's needed. She has paid care twice a week for company and cooking, and currently has a lodger.
The problem is the shared kitchen quickly gets messy and dirty, and obviously no lodger should put up with unhygienic conditions. The lodger does have a separate loo and bathroom. Mum likes having someone else around for company, plus it helps pay the carer - although her finances are healthy and she has a large house in a popular part of London.
She is quite difficult and desperate to cling on to her independence, so the idea of a live-in carer would be hard to sell. She would do anything to avoid moving into a care home, she has been in her house for 50 years.
I spoke to social services previously who were very helpful, but because mum doesn't have mobility problems, can wash and dress herself, she doesn't fit neatly into their care categories. Plus she is very negative about the idea of a succession of social services staff popping in for brief visits, she needs someone with a solid understanding of sight loss, plus the time to build up a relationship - and I think she won't find that with s services.
Any thoughts would be wonderful!

Would her cleaner or carer come in daily, does someone do the shopping for her. Why does the kitchen get unhygienic, is that something that could be resolved, maybe she could have a hot meal delivery service each day. It is very difficult to move at that age but would she consider supported housing rather than a carehome. The RNIB may be able to help you.

She could have the cleaner in more, but it's important to her to go out and shop for food for herself - she does that mainly with her carer, but she hates feeling passive so I don't think she would welcome meal deliveries. She can microwave meals for herself, but that gets quite repetitive and mum does enjoy salads etc for a change.
She will try to do some basic food prep, but it's inevitable that food falls on the floor, worksurfaces aren't clean and so on. RNIB have been great for some practical stuff like talking scales and a watch, but not for emotional support. I do know they has few dedicated care homes but they are really far away from all friends and family, and she feels socially isolated already.
Supported housing might be an option, but she would find it really tough to learn a new place - she can get disoriented even in her own house.

The wrvs have a companionship programme, whereabouts in London is she. I would just ask the cleaner and carer to come in more often.

She has a very nice befriended once a week, I put her in touch with Age UK, Contact the Elderly (they host Sunday tea once a month), and there's a book group, yoga and discussion she goes to on Friday. So far, so good, she is always ending up having chats with people who help her cross the road. But she can't stand living alone, not because she is afraid, but it's lonely. Her immediate neighbours are pretty useless, though the one opposite has been amazing.
I think it's no longer possible having a lodger, it's asking too much of them, even for the low rent she charges. I can't think of a way of getting her support and company at home, unless it's a live-in carer.

She sounds like she has a lot of interests and likes to keep busy, you may be right about the lodger, if it's not their job then it might be too much to expect and she is not the neighbours responsibility. Maybe a live in carer/companion would be the answer.

Do you get to see her very often, are you nearby, just wonder if she would consider moving to supported housing near where you live.

Adult social worker here.

Does your mum have over the financial threshold? (£23,250)? It sounds like you already know that she would be self funding any care, so our ‘eligibility criteria’ - personal care, nutrition, etc are almost irrelevant because you aren’t asking them to find a package of care.

Some of the things that sprung to mind when I read your post were:
Hiring a personal assistant - someone who can act as a companion, help with social inclusion (take mum out), keep place clean, do some personal care as/when required.
I’m my area, we have ‘PA noticeboard’ where PA’s looking for work advertise, but you can put ads on job websites with what you are looking for.

The other thing maybe worth considering is sheltered accommodation, in my area we have a number of schemes from very low level support with some social activities, to higher level support with on site carers (but your own flat, so not a care home).

It is also worth contacting the sensory impairment team in your local adult social care, to see if there’s any additional equipment or support they can provide for her.

Happy to help further if you’d like any more advice, just PM me.

To retired now: I think supported housing is mum's idea of hell to be honest, she is used to being independent, she is scathing about people who are not interested in what she is, dislikes groups of mainly women, the list goes on and on!
In addition, if she moved closer to us, she would be completely reliant on me for company, all her friends live locally and she doesn't make friends quickly. Plus our relationship is quite tricky and I think she finds me quite lacking, whilst also needing lots of support from me!
Mooey - I will definitely be PMing you, I really appreciate the offer, but not this evening, my family request my attention.

Thanks for reply, I meant a sheltered retirement flat, you own it, are completely independent, there's a warden during the day, activities if you want them, communal areas. Maybe one of her friends is in a similar position and would move in with her. Have a nice evening.