Hand hold please? Hospital having to forcibly 'hold' Mum

[birdybirdbird]

My Mum is in week 3 of a hospital stay. She's only 59 but a multitude of conditions and dementia of some form (not sure of type/cause - it's taking forever to get a concrete diagnosis but that's another thread...) The good news is that funding has been agreed for 2x daily 45 minute care visits at home. The bad news is that there are no care agencies with spaces and she can't go home until there is one as it was deemed unsafe. She had a capacity assessment this week and they deemed that whilst she has some, there's no capacity to make 'safe' decisions such as discharging herself.
She's been phoning me since 4 o'clock saying she's going to get a taxi home. I've tried to persuade her stay voluntarily but she is having none of it and keeps hanging up on me. She's very angry and upset. So now the hospital have started the paper work to hold her in - deprivation of liberties I think? Is this like sectioning her?
I'm her only family and live 200 miles away. She's had no visitors apart from me and that was 10 days ago. I am going up tomorrow but I think she'll refuse to see me. I'm feeling awful but know it's for the best.

No advice but . I can't imagine what you're going through OP

She'll be under what is known as a DOLS (deprivation of liberty) please try not to worry they are usually quickly revoked when arrangements for a safe discharge are in place . unfortunately its the lack of social care is what is keeping your mum in hospital,but the good news is that its not a massive care package that she's waiting for and social services will be under pressure to find an accommodating care agency asap.she may be offered interim care in a care home until the care package can start ( you may be able to sell this to her by persuading her its 'convalescence') Is there anyway you could stay with her at her house until the care can start ? If that's a possibility my advice is to get a firm date from as before agreeing !! Will try and post some more info when I get home.

The deprivation of liberty order isn't like sectioning someone. They have to apply for a DOL if for instance, someone needs to be on a ward where you have to be buzzed out, and they won't do that when asked. There's lots of information here

Its really hard caring from a distance, but your mum obviously needs help and she's in a safe place at the moment.
We have a long running support thread here in Elderly Parents , where you'd be very welcome to join us to chat about things. Its been a great support to me to be able to chat with people who don't judge and know what its like

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit calmer about it now maybe because husband bought me a G&T...

Waxmytash - to be honest, staying with her would probably do more harm than good. She has massive mental health issues and was a raging alcoholic all through my childhood so our relationship is very damaged. Whilst I want her to be ok, I'm not in a place that I could care for her myself.

Glad the g&t is working its magic. Completely understand that you are unable to take over her care - have you actually managed to speak to her social worker ? They may be able to give a realistic time scale re the care package. Good luck for the visit and be reassured that they are acting in your mums best interests to ensure she's safe once discharged.

She doesn't have a social services 'social worker' because she's under 60 so they won't get involved... She does however have some absolutely amazing people on the local mental health team who are pushing all this through!
The second G&T is certainly working. Must remember I have an early start and a long drive tomorrow.

Have a look and see if there is a young onset dementia service where she is. I have a friend whose wife was diagnosed under 60, and the YOD team has been amazing in coordinating care - which includes a social worker

It might be worth finding out about advocacy services available in her area. As you are so far away it might be good idea. She would need an IMCA. Here is some info about it www.scie.org.uk/mca/imca/do

Sending hugs babybabybird. It sounds as if you are doing everything you can.

Are you able to put your phone on silent through the night so that you can get some rest, or to set it up so that calls from her number go to voicemail whilst you are asleep or something? If this would not work for you, that is okay. Self-care is the thing when you are in the situation that you are in, IMO.

Hi BirdyBirdBird I just want to reassure you about the DOLS order. It isn't as scary as it sounds and it's there to protect your Mum. It has to be applied for in any situation where a patient is being restricted in a way that deprives them of their liberty. For your Mum, that means preventing her from going home. The reason we have the DOLS procedure is to make sure that there really is a good reason for doing that.

It must be very hard to deal with all of this when your relationship has been do difficult in the past. The hospital staff will understand if your Mum is angry and upset with them. They will manage that situation, so don't feel you have to try and make your Mum 'be nice' about it. Just try and talk to her about other stuff, or even let her rant about it. There is no point in trying to convince her that this is a good thing - if she's got to stay, it is going to happen regardless, it's just a waste of your emotional energy to try and convince her to 'play nice'.