parkinsons and dementia

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Advice please. FIL has parkinsons and dementia. Husband secured attendance allowance for both his parents a while ago to help pay for home help. MIL refuses any help, even though I have suggested an agency who helped my dad and were brilliant. FIL today had a bowel movement and MIL had to throw away his trousers. Must have been distressing for her but still refusing care. We live 40 minute drive away, work and have a son with SENSEN, so I am often at school/ appointments. We are at a loss how to manage this? It will get much worse and her refusal to access some care is frustrating. I do not drive and it is a 90 min trip on 2 buses - just to get there. I simply can't deal with the incontinence. It needs proper care. Very concerned FIL not showering and will start with soreness etc. Husband has POA for health and welfare but dare not step in

Could you get Social Services involved? Your husband really needs to step up and not leave this to you. MIL might be more likely to listen to someone official, well hopefully anyway. I can understand how upsetting it is to watch this.

I am in a similar situation. My mil is very proud and determined, it took a long time to acknowledge she needs help. My fil is now doubly incontinent, in a wheelchair and doesn't communicate. He is still living at home with her in a 3 storey house!!
My advice would be to contact the hospitals Parkinson's specialist nurse. Also you may have a local Admiral nurse (they are a charity specialising in Dementia).
Your mother in law needs to complete a needs assessment. The GP can get the ball rolling on this. A social worker will come to the house and assess how much support your mil needs. This will equate to a number of hours of funding for a carer.
In our house accessing support takes a very long time. Social services were not helpful. Local charities for Parkinson's and Dementia were much more helpful.
Finally, your husband will find it hard to watch his father disappear and deteriorate. It will be hard for him.
That's why I ended up like you, trying to sort it out (and I also have a child with SEN!)

Thanks everyone. Husband has POA for health and welfare so will chase him to ring the hospital clinic

Is there any possible way you could consider some respite care? There must be care homes nearby who could offer a week or two, give your Mil some space and perhaps fast-track an assessment / social services intervention?

I lost my father to this, dm now in the same way

Stick and carrot might work. Either pay £150 or so a week for a carer to come in and do stuff, or it's £1,200 a week - yes, a week - for a nursing home, where incidentally one of you may have to come in daily anyway to check things are okay. Because quite frankly, the nursing home won't have to, they are all frankly unaccountable, despite their snazzy websites.

I assume you will be self-funding, if your parents have over £23,000 in savings. So wave goodbye to your inheritance.

Yes, respite may be an idea, but many naturally balk at baying a grand for a week's stay when it doesn't seem wholly necessary and you could get a holiday out of that. But failure to anticipate ahead, and you may be paying that week in week out. That said, at least you have PoA so well done in that, does that include Finance?