Can someone help me here please with their point of view? Am going mad.

[2sugars]

Two different girls, two different personalities. I can see that dd1 would benefit from the independant system, dd2 (at the moment) wouldn't give a hoot.

H was 70 this week, money's not great but we have a comfortable life.

I'm wondering if I might send dd1 for the entrance exam. H says if I do so, she will fail, since every other child is being tutored to pass. Moreover, (he says, as an ex Bursar) if their admissions are short this year they will accept her anyway.

Do I put her through it, without a tutor, and suffer the consequenses? They would be mme not being at home for dd2, me finding a job and being able to, and just basically turning what's gone around for the last ten years upside down.

I bump into people near where we live/people I used to work with who have two children, one of which goes to an independant school, the other doesn't.

Thoughts desperatly needed. Thanks.

mmj, why? 'Tis a genuine question, my sister sent her (now 19) girl to an independant school, her ds (11) is at a state school here in Oxford.

I guess in certain families it could work but it would have to be where the children had a very clear preference for one school or another. It seems to me the opportunity for one child to feel they had different 'life chances' are HUUUGE - and our schooling profoundly affects our adult life too. At worst you could be building in some conflict to your children's lives which could last long after you and your husband are gone!

Of course the other side of the coin is that one child really doesn't give a hoot.

However I wouldn't be taking this chance, personally. If it is only because one child 'would benefit' from private, rather than one child is simply unable to cope in state for whatever reason IYSWIM.

I think it's very difficult to judge on the basis of different personalities that private school is 'right' for one child and 'wrong' for the other. Children are far more complex! And they change and develop anyway. How they are now might not be how they are in 2 years time. There just seem to be too many 'ifs' in your post. The chances are both children will do just fine in state, and you won't be worrying yourself into the ground for the foreseeable future about school fees!

I wouldn't send one private and one state. Not unless you were as sure as anyone can be in this life that you could also offer the same path to your other daughter.

What makes you think your eldest would benefit from an independent school and not your other child? What is it about her and/or the state school that makes you think that way?

What happens if you're struggling or even just about managing to send one child to a private school and then you change your mind about your younger child, or she just changes as she gets older, and you think that she too could really do with following her system?

I remember a friend of mine who went to a private school with me. Her sister had failed the exam for the private school and went to state school and there was always rivalry between them because of it.

the older sister always felt that she wasnt good enough and they were never close because of it. she felt that her sister was favoured by the parents.

I would personally not do it. you really do not know what you are setting yourselves up for in the future.

Well we sent 2 private & 2 state and none of them had a problem with it. Plus ultimately of 3 boys 2 grammar and one not. Children are not "one size fits all" and what suits one doesn't necessarily suit the other.

FWIW my brother and I were treated as a set. Dressed the same, sent to the same schools. I hated it. I treated my children as 4 separate individuals.

I think if you do for one you should at least be prepared to do for 2nd. How old is dd1? How many children does this school take from state sector compared to private schools where they are prepared for the exams?

If you have 2 children at different schools can you manage getting them there on time and picking them up? I wouldn't send one child to a school that isn't the the best for them, just so the other doesn't feel slighted.

All mine will go to the same school until/unless there is reason not too.

my little sister went to private school. i never resented her, was just pleased for her.

i think if you honestly feel that they will be ok with the separate arrangements, that one will benefit where the other would be happier elsewhere, that you are willing to get the job to help pay etc.. i think that if you feel its right, then you should do it. and if you dont, then dont.
dont feel you have to.
dont feel you mustnt.
only you know the people and complexities at play, so follow your heart/head.

good point itati. There are logistical issues to consider around drop off/pick up times, unsynchronised holidays (could make working more tricky), range and cost of extracurricular activities and trips, cost of uniform which can't be handed down.

my mum remembers a time where all 4 of us were at different schools. logistical nightmare! but do-able.
(still, thats what you get for having 'sensible' age gaps )

Why on earth? Your aunt chose to stay with her friends and it wasn't all your mum's decision. Jeez.

It is usually wrong to give them a separate education. I pay to educate all 5 of our privately and that's fairer although it has meant I've had to be quite good at earning money and working hard.

I've sent one to private and one to state with no ill effects. I couldn't afford to send both at the same time (younger one is now in private for sixth form).

I'm not sure how personalities would lead to one child being suited to independent schools per se and one to state schools per se. Individual schools perhaps, but I don't think there's a difference between the two systems that would explain that.

I wonder of you're just thinking how lovely it would be for the older one to go, and will have the same thoughts when the second one gets to the same age.

My friend has two children. The elder, a girl went private, has done fab and will be off to a good university. The younger one, a boy has gone to state - nowhere near as academic as his sister, but is doing fine where he is. Mum is spending the money she's saved expanding his horizons in other ways; junior golf membership for example.

It's horses for courses

my friend went to a different school from her sister because one passed the 11+ and the other didn't.

and I went to an independent all girls school and my brother went to a all boys grammar

My DH got sent to a state school and his sis got sent to a private school - on the basis that she wasn't so academic so needed more help. Both now have very good jobs but still mucho simmering resentment from DH that he was treated differently... And he's 36

my bro hated school and left at 16 to do an apprenticeship. I went to uni

My brother went to grammar, 11+ abolished by the time it was my turn. They did talk about sending me to the girls private school, but I was totally uninterested in it and would have hated it.

Big brother got huge amounts of good O levels, I relatively flunked mine - he got ok A levels, I got 2 A's and 1 B, he got a third and I got a 2:1.

So not convinced it is that simple, or often that the kids give a flying hoot as to where they go to school. It is what happens at home is the big factor and our influence is huge!

I'm going to be in a similar position. DD1, academic, will thrive at the selective independent girls school. She wants to go there and has been motivated to work hard to ensure she gets in. DS2 however, dyslexic, happy chappy, bright but not driven academically, will want to go to the local state school with his mates. I think you've got to approach this from what is the right school for each child. DS2 obviously won't be going to the girl's school with DD, and I can't see the sense in paying to send him to the local non-selective independent school where he won't have mates there just to ease my conscience about treating them both the same. I'll ensure he gets support and opportunities in other ways. I agree it's a difficult dilemma. Good luck.