Y7 losing his spark

[Soulcurry]

DS is a naturally bright child who’s enrolled in a boys grammar. I’m unsure how others experiences have been but he’s really struggling with friendships and self esteem issues. He has 2 lovely boys from his primary who are in a different form but now have made their own friendship groups. He does spend lunch time with them but beats himself up for not having his own friends circle.
He’s also not the most athletic so is in the lowest ability group for rugby which he’s embarrassed about. He constantly compares himself to other boys saying he can’t do a push up, isn’t fast and able enough etc.
There’s the added pressure of homework and assessments plus hormones which means he’s been feeling extremely low most days
Can anyone in a similar situation please offer some advice on how to best handle and support DS through this difficult phase?

Is there something he loves doing and is good at outside of school? My ds wasn't very skilled at football or Rugby but joined a swimming team, has become very strong and muscly, won lots of medals and developed friendships there which built his confidence up at school too.

This can be a tricky transition OP. Presumably he was top of the class at primary school and now he's surrounded by lots of bright grammar school boys and suddenly feels like he's nothing special. Try to find ways to build up his resilience and self esteem. He's not great at rugby - does he do any other extra curricular activities? Can you find something he enjoys and is good at, eg chess or CCF or singing in a choir. This would help with the friendship aspect too.

I agree with the other posters, he needs to find something out of school that he can enjoy and also become skilled at.

It’s pretty normal for dc to find new friendship groups in year seven, and he hasn’t been there long. I think that aspect will work itself out.

If he wants to get stronger, then help him with that. Maybe a pull up bar on one of your doorframes and some weights. A couple of runs at the weekend. There is a big disparity in boys at this age, but being fit helps wherever you are in the puberty timeline.

My ds lost his way in y7 and it took a while to come back. It’s a very tricky age. Trying to find new friends and maintain the ones you already have is enough without adding in changing schools, we found.

What saved my ds is he joined his local rugby team. Hes never been hugely sporty but new people are joining all the time so it wasn’t essential he’s played before. He made good friends who are his main friends now. He’s also found as more and more kids dropped out of football or wanted to try something new, more and more people joined and he’s now a few years later one of the longest serving players.

It didn’t matter that he’d not played before as the coaches were all hugely welcoming and helped him catch up. What was important was willingness to learn.

Try a few clubs and choose the one that best fits.

Hi, I’ve been a bit worried about my son who has also just started year 7. He was in a big friendship group at primary and one of the boys in this group has decided he doesn’t like DS so is ignoring him. It’s making it hard for DS to know how to be in the wider group as this boy can be dominant.
It’s awful watching your child struggle to find their feet so I feel for you.
I’ve enrolled my son in a new sports group outside of school that none of these other boys attend. I’m also encouraging him to make new connections which he’s doing too.
I hope your boy settles in the coming weeks.

I would let the school know and see if they have any suggestions re clubs etc. DS’s school has clubs where children play board games or do trivia quizzes which seems to scoop up a lot of the non-sporty ones and help them with friendships. Y6 to Y7 can be a tricky time.

He’s part of couple of clubs at school which aren’t sports related but he’s happy enough there. He does play sports outside school but not at a competitive level. None of the schools here offer that sport as an option unfortunately. He has an expressed an interest in martial arts that I will look into.
I’ll email his form tutor to see if they can offer any support at school

I was about to say karate, that’s a great idea. My DC have found it a massive confidence booster and love going up through the belts. It suits kids who don’t thrive in team/ ball/ contact sports too.

If he wants to be stronger and fitter, that can absolutely be learned. It would be a very good investment in his health and may even set him up with a fitness habit for life. Are there gym classes for children where you live? Ideally 2x a week, focused on strength training.

It is a tricky stage, def email the school they should have pastoral support. My son does out of school activities as I found it really helps to have separate friendship groups. Does he walk or bus to school? After the first term my son had class friends, activity friends and bus friends. He is now yr 10 has a firm group of school friends, they are now in subject groups so is making new friends and still has the bus and activity friends.

it has been helped by his school being supportive and PE recognising effort as well as ability

Agreed about karate. It will also improve his fitness and strength. It’s a supportive environment and my dc has made friends there.

I don’t really see why he needs to do a sport if he isn’t sporty ( if the aim is only to make friends) . Of course if he’s interested in attending those clubs for the sport itself then that would be great. Any club or activity would be good for him to get stuck into. D&D or music / drama There’s lots of shuffling around of friendship groups when they get to secondary schools. My DD became a “hanger on” in a group in year 7 and 8 but was always at the mercy of the others. She then had a complete re-set and has a whole new group of friends who are a much nicer bunch from my perspective. I have to be honest though and say we had a tough time with it for a while and a couple of individuals were not very nice.

I don't think he has to do a sport, but he is embarrassed about being not as fit or a strong as his friends so to me helping him overcome that isn't a bad thing.

If he was unhappy, he was in the bottom maths group then I would be saying a similar sort of thing. I wouldn't just ignore it if my child had expressed sadness at being good at something when there are ways of getting better at it.

@SoftIce I know of a local gym that does programs for tweens and teenagers, he’s open to trying this out. I agree that exercise will help boost his confidence and health in the long run