We hate our daughter’s school

[Mehhh87]

Our daughter started reception last September and we’ve had nothing but problems from day one. She is diagnosed with autism and also has a speech delay, we are working with a speech therapist and try to be as involved as possible with her education.

We never really had any problems in nursery, she started at one when I returned to work and her transition from nursery to school was fairly straightforward because she knew a few of the children from nursery. She has never expressed any dislike for the school or resistance to attend. When we ask about her day she will say that she was “happy” and “had fun”. She is also invited to class mates birthday parties and other social activities so I assume that they do all get along (nothing has been raised with me at the parties and she can sort of play with the other kids but is often somewhat in her own world due to the autism and lesser vocabulary).

As parents it has been the complete opposite, constant negative calls and messages on the school app, nearly every day. We appreciate that she is behind her peers in some areas but just feel very deflated with their approach. Looking back on the first year we have actually never heard one positive word about her in messages, calls, or at parents evening. She isn’t violent or from what we hear overly disruptive to the rest of the class.
We usually hear things like “she refuses to come back inside when break has finished” or “she opened a supplies container on the school field when we told her not to”.
Parents evening was upsetting because we were told she cannot count to ten and isn’t interested in phonics so we shouldn’t bother with her phonics books. The teacher was astounded when we told her that we count to 100 at home, individually and in 10s, know each number independently, plus basic addition and subtraction on lower numbers (it’s a special interest and she’s quite obsessed with numbers and maths). They also excluded her from the school xmas play, stating that she wasn’t interested and refused to contribute.

We’ve had multiple meetings with the school about these issues, and bullying (I witnessed ks2 kids mocking her for her speech and arm movements at drop off). Unfortunately, we were shut down and even shouted at by the head teacher at times. We’re completely done at this point and ready to move schools ASAP.

I guess I just want to know if we’re alone? Is this what mainstream school will be like going forward for a SEN child? Can we expect any better anywhere else?
We have a few friends that are teachers and they seem appalled with her treatment so it’s hopefully not a given 😬
She’s our only child and we’re just totally beaten and confused right now. The LA is ignoring us currently and we’re ready to take matters into our own hands. The school she attends was named on her first ECHP.

PS.
We do accept that our child is not perfect and does misbehave. We’d love to have constructive conversations about her behaviour but it doesn’t even feel possible atm. We’re not monsters that believe our child can do no wrong and teachers are the enemy. Any advice is welcome but please be kind. TIA x

Our daughter started reception last September and we’ve had nothing but problems from day one. She is diagnosed with autism and also has a speech delay, we are working with a speech therapist and try to be as involved as possible with her education.
We never really had any problems in nursery, she started at one when I returned to work and her transition from nursery to school was fairly straightforward because she knew a few of the children from nursery. She has never expressed any dislike for the school or resistance to attend. When we ask about her day she will say that she was “happy” and “had fun”. She is also invited to class mates birthday parties and other social activities so I assume that they do all get along (nothing has been raised with me at the parties and she can sort of play with the other kids but is often somewhat in her own world due to the autism and lesser vocabulary).
As parents it has been the complete opposite, constant negative calls and messages on the school app, nearly every day. We appreciate that she is behind her peers in some areas but just feel very deflated with their approach. Looking back on the first year we have actually never heard one positive word about her in messages, calls, or at parents evening. She isn’t violent or from what we hear overly disruptive to the rest of the class.
We usually hear things like “she refuses to come back inside when break has finished” or “she opened a supplies container on the school field when we told her not to”.
Parents evening was upsetting because we were told she cannot count to ten and isn’t interested in phonics so we shouldn’t bother with her phonics books. The teacher was astounded when we told her that we count to 100 at home, individually and in 10s, know each number independently, plus basic addition and subtraction on lower numbers (it’s a special interest and she’s quite obsessed with numbers and maths). They also excluded her from the school xmas play, stating that she wasn’t interested and refused to contribute.
We’ve had multiple meetings with the school about these issues, and bullying (I witnessed ks2 kids mocking her for her speech and arm movements at drop off). Unfortunately, we were shut down and even shouted at by the head teacher at times. We’re completely done at this point and ready to move schools ASAP.
I guess I just want to know if we’re alone? Is this what mainstream school will be like going forward for a SEN child? Can we expect any better anywhere else?
We have a few friends that are teachers and they seem appalled with her treatment so it’s hopefully not a given 😬
She’s our only child and we’re just totally beaten and confused right now. The LA is ignoring us currently and we’re ready to take matters into our own hands. The school she attends was named on her first ECHP.
PS.
We do accept that our child is not perfect and does misbehave. We’d love to have constructive conversations about her behaviour but it doesn’t even feel possible atm. We’re not monsters that believe our child can do no wrong and teachers are the enemy. Any advice is welcome but please be kind. TIA x

Start a parental request ehcp immediately with your local authority! Please don't delay with this. It's a tricky time of year but look at resource bases and specialist schools in your area. Ask on the local Facebook pages for experiences. She'll be going into ks1 next year which is far more difficult for sen children. If she's non verbal then it's likely she will not be able to follow the national curriculum as paced in mainstream schools. It's a hard battle but get your voice heard by the la. Prepare to be knocked back, offered subpar resolutions and maybe have to go to tribunal. Find a school that your daughter will thrive in and don't stop until your given a place. Specialist are incredibly hard to get. My 5 year old autistic adhd son was given a space for this September. 36 children will be starting in September, 450 parents wanted a space. I'm sorry you're going through this. All the fight will be worth it.

This is not normal at all, and I agree you’d be best off moving her.

Schools vary so much. Id take her somewhere else. Our son is in a mainstream school rated good. It’s incredible for sen. There is another mainstream school rated good the same size a few streets away. It has a slightly better playground. Horrendous supporting sen.

It sounds like they know nothing about autism op. How experienced is the teacher? Have you spoken to the Sendco? As pp says you need an ehcp urgently.

Request an annual review as soon as possible in the new term. Is there another mainstream school you want or are you wanting to consider a specialist provision? Are there current reports from professionals that will point the way forward for amending the EHCP and finding the correct provision for your child.

The OP literally says she has an EHCP!

I would move her. For now I would go for another mainstream school simply because that will be much quicker in most areas. Then at the annual review ask about specialist or a resource base if you think that may be better long term.

As a parent of a child with significant needs who has just finished mainstream school (1-1 since year 2) and a TA working in reception with a lot of high needs children what you are describing isn’t acceptable. Find a school who will nurture her and help her be the best she can be.

Thank you all, we really appreciate it! We do know it’s not right but we’re just not sure if it will get any better in a different setting. We’re also really worried about the prospect of moving her because (like most ASD kids) she’s a creature of habit that doesn’t do well with change. The whole situation is very stressful but we’d love to sort something ASAP x

I would suggest posting on local facebook pages (especially any parent carer ones) and asking for people’s opinions of local schools. Then when they go back in September go and visit those which could be options, talk to the SENCO and then take it from there.

I think a change of placement would have to be a decision made at AR, therefore it’s important to request an emergency one as soon as possible.

In the meantime, it’s a good idea to investigate what might be possible as a future placement, so you are armed with as much information as possible.

You need to contact the LA and your designated case officer to express your wish for a change of placement and request an early AR in September, go with an idea of some other settings you would like them to approach and make sure it’s recorded in the AR report document that you are requesting a change of placement.

Your school is crap. There will be others which arent. Thia is why some schools have very few disabled kids and others have loads. Good schools have lots. Go visit some other schools and ask difficult questions like what disabilities are in the school at the moment and what percentage of kids have an ehcp.

Move her. No doubt.

My son had this experience in Warwickshire. There isn’t a school that will take him, full ehcp, everything is designed for either very disabled with learning issues or they don’t want him. He’s very smart so they can’t cater to him. I manage to teach him well myself but I’m shocked there isn’t a professional teacher available anywhere. All the schools are target focussed not child centred and they don’t have anytime for children who need extra. I’m extremely disappointed, I never expected to be forced to home ed.

As a teacher and a mum of a sen child too... run! Find a different school.

The school sounds awful. I can’t believe they’ve sent you messages like the one about the container on the field. What the hell?! They seem ridiculous. My kids are in a mainstream school and one of my youngests friends is autistic and it’s not like anything you’ve described.

It’s just a terrible school. I send mine to a very diverse and generally less desirable primary school and because of the diversity of need in every single way they are excellent at meeting the needs of different pupils including my exceptionally complex autistic son. A friend sent her child to the very desirable school and did not have such a good experience.

I was about to post suggesting moving her, until I realise - you say she’s happy?

The only concern you raise that relates to her wellbeing - and it is major - is the KS2 kids making fun of her?

So while moving her does seem like a probable option, would it be worth sitting down and forensically listing out each problem, and whether it is a problem for her or a problem for you? That might be instructive.

We have a possibly ND child who used to get a lot of behaviour points at her high-performing primary. She was the only girl who did. We moved her as a result of a house move to a very average village school - they were nurturing and lovely and she never got another behaviour point, they had no issue with her behaviour.

I guess I’m saying that schools can be very different in their approach, and especially the high-performing ones can be less tolerant of Sen because they are trying to get those good results.

Good luck with it all. Def worth visiting other schools and sencos.

This sums up well what I tried to express above.

I think the same - contact the local education authority and see what other options are available for her. This all sounds awful 😢

Sounds just like my daughter's mainstream school.

Warn you now, Yr1 will be much harder.

I applied for an Ehcplan.
Got it no problem but appealed B, F and I.
LEA named the mainstream school.

I took it to tribunal. Won an independent specialist school. Best thing I ever did.

Move on, its too hard to be dealing with unsupportive schools.

Have you looked at independent schools? EOTAs?

Your post makes me wonder why they contact you so regularly about fairly trivial behaviour issues, when they know your child is unlikely to behave in a NT manner. There's nothing you can do about her not wanting to go in from break, or similar. So it sounds like they are deliberately trying to make it sound like they can't cope and don't want her.

Some schools have a genuinely inclusive ethos. My DDs went to one where the head really believes that her school should provide an education for all of the children in the local area, even if that does make life harder sometimes. And that ethos ran through the school, from the leadership to the class teachers.

But there are other schools that don't have those values, that see some SEND children as a burden. They "drag down the SATs results" (in some cases) and funding the first part of support and interventions (until EHCP funding kicks in) is a "drain on resources". I suspect the leaders of those schools wouldn't admit to themselves that they don't believe in inclusion, but justify it with "we're terribly underfunded", despite being similarly funded to the school down the road.

You can see the difference when you visit and ask about support for your child. One will be welcoming and the other will do a bit of hand wringing and suggest that school X might be a better fit.

You end up with truly inclusive schools being "SEND magnet schools" with disproportionately more SEND children than other local schools.

You probably need to ask around to find a more inclusive environment.

I’m an autism specialist teacher and I promise that not all schools are like this. I’d move your DD if I were you.