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Original poster

Please tell me I am overreacting

21 replies

Perigrine · 26/10/2006 21:09

I have just discovered that my exhusband is working in an IT position that involves him working in the local schools in my area.

We divorced 10 years ago and I have subsequently has 2 children, I moved towns to get away from him - as he was abusive physically and mentally, I also know that he has had a child with someone else and they have separated as he beat her severly and she charged him - although she then dropped the charges, and Social Services were involved and the child was put on the at risk register.

I live on a very main road in my relatively small town and cross the road every day with my children, I am now terrified that he has seen me out and about with my children and knows who they are, and is also been in their school.

After 10 years I am still terrified of this man and feel really shaken up by this turn of events, I am over reacting or is someone with this kind of background siutable to be working in schools. Kids are 8 and 4 by the way.

And it is definately him, coz one of my friends works in another local primary and saw and spoke to him today!

OP posts:

MarsLady · 26/10/2006 21:14

I don't think that you are over reacting. Clearly your fears haven't been completely dealt with. Any one who has been abused or attacked would be forgiven, indeed expected, to feel the way that you do.

I don't know what I can say to you to help. Does your current partner know? What help has he been? Or can he be?

I'm sure other MNers with experience will come along and help.

I know you have this fear, but I pray that this fear doesn't overwhelm you.

lucy5 · 26/10/2006 21:15

I don't know what to say really but this will bump for you.

zubb · 26/10/2006 21:16

unfortunately if he wasn't charged then the police checks probably wouldn't have picked up on his violence.

BATtymumma · 26/10/2006 21:16

no i dont think your over reacting at all, if i t were my ex i would be absolutley terrified.

I think you should speak to your school, inform them of the situation and let them know how much you are against his working for the school.

if he is doing IT work he can have access to any kinds of information and clealry that would not be acceptable.

Maybe they are unaware of this mans history.

I really hope that something can be done about ythis.

Original poster

Perigrine · 26/10/2006 21:18

Yes DP knows and understands that I am not happy, but I don't think he realises how terrified I actually am.

I found out at 4 and he is at work. I have spent the evening shaking and checking the doors which is completely irrational.

I really feel stupid but the fear that he could hurt my kids is overwhelming

OP posts:

MarsLady · 26/10/2006 21:20

Then you keep posting here honey and someone will keep talking to you.

When is your DP home?

Original poster

Perigrine · 26/10/2006 21:22

He is due home at eleven, I really want to go into the school tommorow and say I want him banned from the premises, but either they won't be able to and will think that I am a Pyscho or they will and he will work out that it was me and therefore that is where my kids go to school

OP posts:

MarsLady · 26/10/2006 21:25

I think that school will be a lot more sympathetic than that darling. You're not a psycho. You are a scared individual. There's a difference.

I think you need to work out what you want to say to the head teacher and to say it calmly. I think the fact that you are in fear is more than enough for the head to act in your interests and the interests of the children. There is no reason for the head to tell X that you have made a complaint etc. The head can exercise judgement and ask the company to send someone else in or to take on another company.

Original poster

Perigrine · 26/10/2006 21:30

I think that he is working for the local authority though, coz all their work is done inhouse.

It was DP's mother who saw and spoke to him. She had him in her classroom fixing a PC in the classroom whilst she was teaching, and she recognised him!! And then said - Are you *, to which he replied yes and she said "I was at your wedding" At which point he recognised her.

God love her = I really wish she had not told me - but then she doesn't know the full story.

In fact until tonight I had forgotten how scared I was of him!

OP posts:

MarsLady · 26/10/2006 21:37

Then I think you may need to contact your local authority too.

I'm no expert, but I think that they will act sympathetically.... at least I hope they will.

It's easy to convince ourselves that we are over our fears if we are not confronted by them. It is confronting them again that brings it all back up. Do you have someone in RL that you can talk to about it?

Original poster

Perigrine · 26/10/2006 21:41

Yes, I think poor DP will get an ear bashing when he gets home . At least I still have my sense of humour!

I just think there are thousands of places in the UK, why is he now living a couple of miles away from me. Several thousand would be better!!

OP posts:

MarsLady · 26/10/2006 21:48

lol!

Well I'm glad that you have DP. I'm sure that when you finish talking to him tonight he will realise just how much this has jolted and frightened you.

Original poster

Perigrine · 26/10/2006 21:53

Right going to get of the PC and going to watch Grays Anatomy!!

Thank you for calming me down Mars - I appreciate it

OP posts:

MarsLady · 26/10/2006 21:56

Ooh yes! Grays Anatomy. Thanks for the reminder.

You are welcome honey. Any time! Much love. Praying for your success with school and local authority tomorrow. Let me know how it goes..........

Now... on to Dr McDreamy........... swoon!!!!!!!!!!

BATtymumma · 26/10/2006 22:11

thanks, i only missed the first 10 minutes cos of this thread lol
i had forgotten it was on, just came back to check how you were doing..

mamamaaargh · 26/10/2006 22:19

Haven't read the whole thread in detail so I apologise if I am repeating what has already been said.

The school are unlikely to have control over the IT person - they are usually employed by the LEA. I would probably contact the LEA about this - you could ask in school about who to contact. You could also mention to the school your concerns and ask them to make extra sure your kids remain anonymous and that they are kept away from the IT person until this is sorted out - In my school the computer technicians would often work in the IT room when there were kids present (and, in some cases, left unsupervised while the teacher ran out to get something). I'm sure the head & teachers will be helpful and supportive.

I suppose if you were very concerned, you may be able to contact your local police station or social services. They may not be able to help but might be able to give you a bit of info or pass you on to someone else who can help.

rustycreakingdoorbear · 26/10/2006 23:21

It is possible that he is employed by the school itself - we have several IT techs employed by the schools in our area, even by primary schools (in fact I'm one)Otherwise, he may work for an IT company which the school or LA uses for support, in which case, he may not get sent to that school again. Whichever it is, he should have been CRB checked, but as zubb said, it might not be noted if the charges were dropped. I would have a word with the head & see where he is employed - if it's an outside company, he may not even live locally - our pc's that are under warranty are serviced by the company that installed them, which is based 50 miles away.

DominiConnor · 28/10/2006 11:43

I have some knowledge of the checks done on people who work with children, and it's easy for bad epople to slip through them, even if there is a record in plain sight.
Also the boundaries for who must be checked is pretty arbitrary, simply because other wise you'd end up having to CRB people who deliver food to the kitchens etc.
I think there is a good chance he simply hasn't been checked at all.

bigfatred · 28/10/2006 14:28

What about contacting social services about your concerns as they have some record of him and would be obliged to flag up if there is potential child protection issue or adult protection?

Sheraz · 28/10/2006 14:35

Sorry are the children his children? If not would he know they are your children, ie does he know your new surname, if you have remarried? If he was never convicted or cautioned for violence towards you/ or child then there is nothing to stop him working in his role. I think all you can do is make your school aware and ask that your children are not in the same room as him. PS I don't think you are a psycho, just a survivior of DV.

Rainbow · 28/10/2006 14:55

Don't worry about the school thinking your a psycho, chances are they have dealt with this type of thing many times. No-one can help youif they don't know the problem. I know my story was different but I told the school evrything and they help me and my boys through it. The schools need to be aware of his history, the fact that his child is at risk means others could be too, including yours. Kepp posting Peregrine it will help.

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