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Original poster

EXCLUDED FROM SCHOOL

19 replies

XYZ · 12/03/2002 19:19

I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT I MUST STAY AWAY WHENEVER THE SCHOOL HAS SPECIAL EVENTS WHERE PARENTS ARE USUALLY ALLOWED TO WATCH BECAUSE IT UPSETS MY DS TOO MUCH WHEN I HAVE TO LEAVE. REALLY REALLY UPSET DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL MY DS HOW IS HE GOING TO COPE? FEEL REALLY REALLY ANGRY/UPSET/?? KNOW IT'S SILLY MY POSTING THIS MESSAGE BUT DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO I KNOW HE WILL BE SO SO UPSET. HELP.

OP posts:

berries · 12/03/2002 19:53

XYZ, this must be really awful for you. Has there been any lead up to this! It does seem as though the school is being a bit harsh, but have there been a lot of problems before. How old is your son.
Sorry this seems like such a lot of questions, but it would make a difference if your son is 4 rather than 7 etc.
Could you suggest you tell your son what is going to happen IF he doesn't calm down, and try & get the school to agree to one last chance?

ChanelNo5 · 12/03/2002 20:12

xyz - This sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. Get an appointment with the Head as soon as you can and find out exactly what's going on. Good Luck!

robinw · 12/03/2002 21:12

message withdrawn

CAM · 13/03/2002 00:32

I can't believe that schools are allowed to exclude parents from the school that their child attends - this cannot be OK - please tell us more when you have spoken to the headteacher.

Bumblelion · 13/03/2002 12:42

I cannot believe they are asking you to stay away because your child becomes upset when you leave. I have attended all of my children's plays, etc. and I have seen all the children looking round trying to find their mum/dad and I have seen how upset the children are if they cannot see their mum/dad.

Surely, it is better for your child to be able to see you have turned up, even if he does become upset when you leave.

Art · 13/03/2002 13:02

xyz,
I agree with chanelno5 - ask for an appointment to discuss the situation. How does he cope on a regular day when you drop him off? Did he take a long time to settle in Reception? This decision does seem a bit OTT.
Hope you get it sorted soon.

tigermoth · 13/03/2002 13:36

Yes, you must have it out with the head, XYZ. It sounds like there had been a serious breakdown in communication. Orders like this are not the norm.

As others say, if your son is upset when you leave an event, isn't he going to be devastated that you didn't come at all? How does the head think you are going to explain your absence to your child? And by issuing this order, the school is denying you many precious memories - could your bear to miss seeing your son in his school nativity play, for instance?

Without knowing how old your son is, it's difficult to say more. Do keep posting here if you can.

Lill · 13/03/2002 16:13

Is your child normaly this upset when you leave him or is it just at school? I would suggest that it could be the school thats the problem. Teachers should be used and able to deal with upset children and if they cant then I would actually review the choice of school.

It is your job to decide what is right/wrong for your child not the school. Also imo the most important lesson for the child is learning that school is not somewhere just for them but part of all your lives, therefore it is important that the family is included in all events.

tufty · 13/03/2002 21:20

Just to support all that has been said and hope to hear some better news from you soon... it can't be right for you to be prevented from going..good luck and let us all know...

Original poster

XYZ · 14/03/2002 10:13

sorry I have not been able to come back to this been trying to contact head again I was so upset and shocked by the heads phone call and trying to deal with ds. Have an appointment tomorrow to see head. my ds is in reception and finds it difficult to part but we are getting there some days worse than others. He is very shy and doesn't find it easy to join in other childrens games though I try to explain that it is best to try and not play alone - from what I understand he seems to run round on his own. I am grateful for all your responses and sorry it may seem as if I haven't been interested in your replies just yesterday was manic beyond belief. thank you again.

I really do try but apart from telling him he has to join in to make friends and he isn't to get upset when we part I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Marina · 14/03/2002 10:39

XYZ, I am sure mums with little ones the same age as yours will have lots of other tips to help you both cope with the parting, but have you tried reinforcing with him that you will be back for him at the end of the day and encouraging him to think about that. We find with our toddler at nursery that he is very interested to know what time we will be back for him (even though he can't tell the time of course) and that the nursery nurses remind him of this in a positive way nearer the time.
I do hope your meeting with the head goes well, and I really hope it was a misunderstanding that led to them suggesting you can't come to parents' events. Is it possible to have your son's form teacher there too? I hope that this person would have some helpful input too. As others have said, a reception class teacher ought to have strategies in place to help shy children settle.
Good luck.

Viv · 14/03/2002 12:22

XYZ, So sorry to hear about the upset the school are causing you. Very best of luck with the head when you see them as others have said children really look forward to seeing their parents at such events.
In terms of parting, we went through this for a while with our dd at nursery (when she just turned 4). Things eventually got better when each morning before we left the house we got out a game or activity we could do together when we got home again. She was then much better when we left as she had something tangible to look forward to doing when we got home. Now she is fine and we no longer need to do this. In fact some mornings it is almost 'well go away then mummy I'll see you later'. She too is naturally shy but is getting better all the time about mixing. However we will have to see what happens when she starts school in September. Take care and Good Luck

tufty · 14/03/2002 19:20

XYZ just wondered if reading between the lines there was more to this.. are you concerned about your son or just the way the school is (not ) handling things?
hope you make good progress
xx

CAM · 15/03/2002 00:21

XYZ
Please let us know what happens with your head teacher's meeting.
Love Cam

Jbr · 15/03/2002 00:21

Is it the school he doesn't like perhaps? What was he like at nursery?

mollipops · 15/03/2002 06:10

Hi XYZ
We had the same problem with dd at kindy and preprimary (ages 3-5), "separation anxiety"! The teacher said that the best way was to make sure I said a quick goodbye and left without fuss, not letting her see if I was upset, and being calm and matter-of-fact. Not pleading and making a big thing out of it like I was initially! I found out the last thing of the day was a story, so I would always tell her I would be back to pick her up after the story, which seemed to make more sense to her than I'll be back at lunchtime or whatever. Also to make the morning routine consistent and to try not to be late! I think this was as much for their benefit as mine, as being late meant a big scene and distruption for the other children - I don't agree with your school's handling of your situation but maybe that is what they are trying to prevent too?

I know that whenever I stayed on roster, dd would be very distracted, play up and be clingy...the teacher assured me this was quite common and a child's behaviour often changed radically when "mum" was at school. I think it can be confusing for them having two authority figures (ie teacher and parent) at the same time. Unfortunately because they know mum loves them and always will regardless, they feel more able to "test" her out!

I think with dd it was basically immaturity as she was quite a bit younger than most of the others (she is now repeating this year which has been the best decision we've made so far! ) We still had our good days and bad days but generally by the middle of last year she was fine. This year she hardly even notices me leaving! Sorry to have gone on, but do take heart, it will get better. But in the meantime, I hope you can find a way to meet a compromise with your son's school.

Batters · 15/03/2002 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lill · 15/03/2002 22:37

xyz let us know how you get on with the head.
Do remember that legally your child does not have to be in school until the term after the term in which he is 5. So take advantage and wean him into school slowly.
For what its worth here are some of my tips for helping your ds recognise school life/days away from you as a normal part of life and something to be enjoyed:
Try inviting some of his classmates home for tea - concentrate on 1 or 2 of his prefered friends to help them establish a relationship, find out which children are interested in the same things as your ds.
Also acknowledge your own fears about your seperation and try not to let your ds pick up on them.
Dont quiz him after school about the days events. Simply start off by telling him of your day, where you have been etc and tell him you missed him. Eventually he will start to tell you of his daily adventures.

Hope this makes sense but its late and im sooooo tired!
Best of Luck

BTw I would also tell the school they are lucky to have your son and ask them what are they going to do to help him. As I said before you involvemnet in his school life is non negotiable!

Jaybee · 18/03/2002 13:46

How long has he been at school? Did he start at Christmas or has he been there since September? If he hasn't been there very long he may just be unsettled at the moment.
While I can understand why you would be very upset by this, I can also understand where the school is coming from. I would imagine that he is upset when you first leave him in the morning then settles into the routine of the day, when he sees you again he assumes he is going home and then gets himself in a state. I am sure that this 'exclusion' is only temporary until the school feels he will be able to cope. I also feel that the head maybe did not explain himself properly.
If these events are during the school day, I am sure that all parents do not attend (due to many working parents). Could you not explain to your child that you would love to come and see him in the special assembly or whatever but you don't want to upset him when you have to leave him again. I am sure that when he settles into school and is happy to leave you in the mornings this situation will resolve itself. I do feel, however, that it should be discussed with both his teacher and the head. Good Luck.

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