my dd feels her teacher doesn't like her

[countrylady]

Our dd is in Year 5 and comes home nearly every day saying she's had a horrible day as her teacher doesn't like her. We've been to see the teacher and tactfully(!) suggest that our dd is unhappy about something, but the situation continues. Our dd never gets chosen to be a monitor etc. Her great enthusiasm is just being killed off... Any suggestions, please? Has anyone else gone through this?

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Can you talk to the head in private and ask for advice on how to speak to the teacher?

It may be that your dd's teacher doesn't like her (we are all human, and as an ex-teacher I know there were kids I really didn't gel with...) Having said that I think it is the teacher's responsibility to do their damnest not to let the child realise that (I was told in training to always try to remember you are an adult, they are a child...). As copper said may be you should go to the head and have a chat, and as twiglett has said, be direct if you feel it is necessary. My nephew is in a similar position and my brother has had meetings with the school to try to resolve it (not always easy).

My 16yo dd was convinced one of her teachers didn't like her and we were very upfront with him about it on Parent Contact evening. He was incredibly shocked that dd felt that way, poor man! I think now that it's a case of dd not liking the teacher rather than vice versa.

countrylady - could you ask your daughter to come up with some specific instances where she thinks the teacher showed s/he didn't like her? If you "accuse" a teacher of this they're likely to be defensive but, if your daughter is right, you'll have more to talk about.

The teacher might not like her ( ) but needs to, at least, not be seen to not like her if it is the case

Could you ask some classmates' parents how their children get on with this teacher?

Thanks to you all for your replies and suggestions. We have a parents' evening tomorrow. So maybe we can discuss things further there. Then, of course, it's half-term. If things are still bad, I think we'll have to see the headteacher, as you suggest, Copper. But we don't want to make things worse for our dd. The class-teacher may feel we've gone over her head.

Bit late, but can I just say that DS2's Y7 teacher didn't like him. We thought he was just being awkward but then found he was right. She was actually a nasty piece of work & we went to the school to make sure that DS3 didn't get her as well... Turned out on investigation that several other parents had put in an official complaint against this same woman for effectively bullying their children. Try asking the other parents how their children feel about this teacher, (Of course meeting him/her might confirm that he/she doesn't like your DD, in which case I would seriously recommend moving her.)

Moving isn't usually so easy in primary school, unfortunately.

ds2's Y4 teacher was a miserable bat who sounded to be always grumbling at somebody; once we caught on we were able to make him feel better about it - "it's not your problem, it's hers, just keep your head down and next year you'll have someone else."

He had a great Y5 teacher - then the Y4 teacher switched to Y5/6 so there was a danger of him getting her again in Y6 (and, according to him, a lot of the children were a bit dismayed) so we asked, very specifically, for him not to be put in her class, and he wasn't. Phew!

One of his projects this year has been "A Story About Me" and he really let her have it in that - not sure if his Y6 teacher let her see it...I rather hope he did but I don't know. (When a 10-yr-old writes, in all innocence, that he loved being in R, Y1, Y2, Y3, Y5 and Y6 but that his Y4 teacher was always angry at him, it should make you look at yourself, shouldn't it?)

I hope so too, beety! Parents' evening is next month, I will ask the Y6 teacher then (he's not keen on her either but has to work with her, obviously, so pissing her off might be a bad idea...)

We are going through a similar thing with our DD who's 6. She absolutly loved her reception teacher and was very sad to leave. I honestly didn't think that moving in to year 1 would effect her that much but i was wrong. Since starting in septrember, i have a different little girl. She doesn't like the teacher very much and to be honest neither do i now. My dd is quite bright and works hard at school. In reception, this work was rewarded with stickers, awards and lots and lots of praise. In year 1 it's a different story. My dd hardley ever gets stickers or praise e.t.c. and it really upsets her. I spoke to her teacher about this and she admitted that it was her fault really as she tended to concentrate on praising the less able ones. Well yes thats fine but my dd is rapidly losing the will to do any work at all. Her teacher said she would try to remember to give her more stickers e.t.c but she hasn't, and my dd was very upset recently when all of her table were offered a sweet by the teacher, except her.
Now we have a situation where my dd and another girl are being picked on and the teacher is doing nothing about it. On friday my dd had obviously had enough of this particular girl and shouted at her to go away and said she didn't like her. I made dd apologise as for once the girl hadn't actually done anything to her. My dd went in to school and 2 seconds later her teacher came running out to tell me that my dd was in tears. I went in and she said she wanted to go home, she wanted to move schools e.t.c. I managed to calm her down and was a little confused as to why she was so upset. The teacher said that there seemed to be alot of upset children just lately and that she was going to have a big chat with them all later that day.
I've since found out that my dd was so upset because the mother of the bully went right up to my dd's face and said "and don't you apoligise when you don't mean it". I was outraged and upset. Also found out that the teacher hadn't had a chat with anyone either so i went to see the head, who has now called the bully's mother and told her to go in and see her with her daughter tommorow. Since then she hasn't taken her daughter to school and is apparentoly going to tell the head that everyone is picking on her daughter because sh's mixed race (complete rubbish).
Anyway in answer to the oringinal question, yes we do have exactly the same problem.
Sorry if i've gone on a bit.

Nutcracker, sorry to read about your dd's experiences in Year 1. The teacher saying she gives lots of praise to the less able is what seems to be happening to our dd. What they don't seem to realise is that all children need praise, reward etc and to feel valued. Yes, we had a wonderful teacher in Year 3 but she's left. I wonder sometimes about looking for another school, but in Year 5, it's not the easiest of times to move. Have you thought about moving schools?

I think you have had some great advice here, countylady and I hope your dd doesn't get too downhearted. I have a year 5 son and if your dd is anything like him, I can get a fair amount of background detail about his day and his teacher, if I keep on probing. He is now passing the stage where he won't tell me a thing about his time at school.

When my son was having problems at school ( a classmate was severely winding him up) what comforted him the most was me saying 'I will back you up and if you want me to, I will write a note to explain what is happening to you' My son helped me draft the note which I then gave to his teacher. She intervened and calmed the situation. Now in your case, it's the teacher who is the one upsetting your dd. I wonder if you coulc ask your dd whether she'd like to help you write a note to the head - or a note to her teacher. She can suggest the contents, but the note will come from you.

Also, is it at all possible for you to volunteer your services and help in your dd's class? if you do this a few times, you could get an even better feel about what is going on and then, if you complain to the head, you will have more first hand knowledge of the situation and this teacher's methods.

Janh - the more you talk about your son's previous teacher, the nastier she sounds.I wonder if your son't story got read by her or her colleagues and, if so what they thought about it? ah to be a fly on a teacher's staff room wall......

Many thanks for suggestions. In fact, we had a parents' evening yesterday. The teacher said that, in her opinion, our daughter was a perfectionist! If her work is criticised in any way, eg you could have written, put a comma there, she resents it. In some ways, our dd is hard on herself. If she can't draw something well enough, for example, she cries and feels she's failed. Hoever, the teacher should appreciate how sensitive our dd is and still give praise and rewards, we feel.

hi countrylady,
it seems to me that there are far too many teachers who shouldnt be in the profession nowadays.
all the help goes to the less able while everyone else gets ignored. same old story.
i too am unhappy with my dds current situation at school. dd has two teachers (which i think is highly unacceptable in a reception class) & their methods are so different dd doesnt know if shes coming or going. soon after she started one of her teachers did something to upset her & we had a hell of a job getting her into the classroom after that. things have only just started to settle down again now, but its no thanks to her teachers who in my opinion are highly unsuited to teaching in reception. ive recently found out that the teacher she will have in year one shouts a lot at the boys (dds class has 18 boys in it so i should imagine she will never stop when she gets that class) its all very frustrating, ive considered moving her but the nearest good school to us is 4 miles away which would make things quite difficult for friends coming over etc.
sorry, cant offer any advice, just wanted to let you know youre not alone in this.

firestorm - I am a teacher and (excuse onehanded typing) any teacher who has to shout is not very good and I would be concerned as you are. Shouting does not equal effective classroom management and imo is a sign of someone who is not coping.
I also have to say that when one person is in charge of 30 children it is very difficult to give equal attention to each child. In an ideal world this should happen but the children who misbehave or who are less able will always require more attention than the child who is quite and gets on with their work.
Ds is quiet and hardworking and we always have good parents evenings but he rarely gets rewards in class and is sometimes upset by this so I can see it from both sides.
If the teacher doesn't like your child then as a professional they should hide it but imo it is probably more about how much time they have to give which is probably very little.
Good Luck

Countrylady - We may have to move out of the area and at first i was very worried about dd having to move schools, but now i'm beginning to think it may be a blessing in disguise.
Our dd is also a bit of a perfectionist with her work. Very recently her teacher commented that her hand writing could of been a bit neater (i've since seen the peice of work and it looked fine to me). This comment really knocked her confidence to the point where she kept on saying to me that her handwriting was scruffy and she was no good at anything. I of course reasurred her that her writing was lovely.
I just think it's really sad that she used to enjoy school so much and now it's sometimes a battle to get her to go.

As a mum, I completely undersand your concerns about your DD being unhappy with her teacher - we all want our children to be perfectly happy and as successful as possible at school.
I am also a teacher - part-time, so that I can spend time with my children too (and 2 experienced, enthusiastic, energetic teachers can be much more positive than 1 knackered one, and providing they work in a consistently similar way with the children should not cause a problem). There are always going to be some teachers who are not quite as perfect as you would hope, and with the wide range of abilities and pressures in most classes, even a fantastic teacher can make mistakes.
Has the teacher been at the school a long time - can you find out what other parents thought of her? The suggestion about going in to help is also a good idea - then you could see how she interacts in general with the kids. And maybe you could do some "work" with your DD on being less of a perfectionist and less self-critical (is she a Virgo?! I am!!) She may have to cope with worse at secondary school!