DD 6 being left out at playtime, how to help?

[glassofwine]

Not sure if this is the right place for this question, but as it's school related, will give it a go. My DD 6, yr 2 started a new school in Sept as we moved into a new area, it took her a long time to find friends, but in the last couple of months she has settled in. She's been part of a goup of about 5 or 6 girls, some of whom have been here for tea and all v. nice except one who's a bit rude and bossy. Tonight DD had total meltdown, in floods of tears as the girls are now not letting her join in games at playtime. She says that they say she can't play with them and that one of the girls who did say she was her best friend a couple of weeks ago is now saying she's only her4th. I know this is all standard girl stuff, but DD is v upset. The more they reject her, the more she asks to be friends, the more she's rejected. I've suggested she plays with someone else, but she says she doesn't want to. How do I handle this?

Nothing helpful to say but didn't want to just leave this - children (especially girls) can be so awful to each other - give her a hug from me and tell her that she's lovely and it's their loss ( I know she will still be upset but I don't know what to say - my dd is 6 and I'm sure i will have similar things in the next few years - it's so awful when our children are upset) - hugs to you too.

XX

Dd has been through similar and has also had a few evenings sobbing her heart out over these 'friendships'. She is in quite an intense clas as far as the girls are concerned. I spoke to her teacher about it as I too was concerned. She hadn't noticed any problems but said she'd keep an eye out. As far as she was concerned dd was happy and always had someone to play with. Like you, there was (at this time) one child who I know was particularly manipulative in who was friends with who. This child has now moved away and things have settled down and are a lot better.
I do sympathise as it's heartbreaking to think your child is feeling lonely or left out in the playground, but have a word with her teacher, and ask if there is a policy whereby some of the older children can keep an eye out for her too and perhaps play with her if she has no-one to play with. This is a responsibility the older children in our school are given, and it works well. As well as her own freinds, dd now has several older girls who 'look after' her should the need arise (which, thankfully, it hasn't recently).

Thank, will try talking to the teacher, but not sure if today is the right time as I'm worried she'l have forgotten after half term. i suspect I'm over reacting, but she's still my baby and I wish I could pull the other girls pigtails, but I'm supposed to be a grown up.

I would speak to her teacher. If the problem continues after half term speak to her again. Have you spoken to the mothers of the girls.

You could try inviting a couple of girls to play in half term & do something fun (making cakes/face painting/gluing). In my experience when separated from the domineering one, the others are fine & it will give your DD something to talk about when they go back to school.

glassofwine - i nearly started a similar thread for my ds. HE is 6 too, am wondering if this is commonplace for 6 year old but i have had a good cry on his behalf as i dont want him to be unhappy. I acutally likely to be changing schools anyway as in diff catchement now. Ds had bf since beginning as their group of friends have extended and included a not very nice little boy who i had written an earlier thread about (had invited him to tea and he was rude and mean). I do understand how you are feeling. It is hard to know what to do too. hugs xx

Dont invited more that one of them over at a time. IT was a complete disaster!! 2 is comapny 3 is most definately a crowd

as mother of 3 girls i dread this sort of thing. Your poor DD! I would go for an all round approach. Talk to teacher, maybe talk to other mothers too if you feel you know them well enough/are approachable. Also, keep inviting others to tea, (yes, I agree, Awen - one at a time - been there done that inviting more than one and won't do it again!). Does your school have a Playground Friends system? Ours hasa sort of bus stop near a bench and if a child doesn't have anyone to play with they can go there and nominated older children will include them in games/play with them. Good playground supervision should spot children who are upset or being excluded so maybe ask teacher if she can ask for the playground supervisors to keep an eye on her. IMHO, it is important that you take action as she will be at the disadvantage having recently moved to the area.

Have suggested inviting one or two of the nicer girls over, but they are all on hols for half term, so will have to wait for next week. I could speak to some of the mum's, but not the one of the nightmare girl as this girl is like this with her mother! she's one of those relaxed, let the kids do what they like, mum's who's 4 kids just order her about. I know DD has been resisting her a bit and I think it might be why they're rejecting her especially as she's the newcomer. I guess I'll do talk to school and try to not take it so personally. Like the school bus stop idea - might suggest it.

Just skimmed this thread.I think those are great ideas. Also talk to her about "pretending" to be confident when she isn't - kids are really tough on anyone who shows any sign of neediness. If she can learn to "pretend" to not care, or can try and articulate to her friends how she feels about being excluded, that would be amazing. Good luck.

Great idea, it's the neediness that I'd like to help her with as I think it puts people off. We often feel the same as adults, I'd hate it to become a lifelong habit iyswim.

I asked dd2 (yr 2) and dd1 (yr 6) and two of their friends (sisters, yr2 and yr 4) who were over playing today about this. The friend who is yr 4 (her and her sister moved to village about a year ago but already knew us) said she has similar problems with a girl in her class and "plays with other people to make her jealous" when the bossy one tries to exclude her. She said this works, but she is a very gregarious child and has the confidence to carry this off with aplomb. She has been in the situation where she will complain that N won't be her friend any more but the next day has come out of school with an invitation to a sleepover at N's house. Was once in situation myself where had invited child i believed to be dd1's best friend and another girl for tea and on the way home, this friend announced (infront of dd1 and me) that the other girl was in fact her best friend. I could have made effigies of this child in the kitchen when I got home and stuck pins in them too I was so cross and hurt for dd1. The problem was that a girl had left their class to go to another school and this had left a best friend void. There was, in essence a 'cabinet reshuffle' and my dd1 lost her place for a while. Tried to encourage her not to have a best friend at all but to cast her net wider for a while. Eventually really hit it off with another girl in her class who is also an eldest child (therefore less precocious). God, its hard work. Food for thought though, anyway! Good luck after half term.

(the turncoat friend also asked me when I was 8 months pregnant, if I had ever had sex - )

Interesting... DD said today after school that she played with some other girls today and after a while the regular gang came over and wanted to join in - yipee. It's difficult though as I can't live her life for her and to some extent I know she needs to learn this stuff herself, but I can't help wanting to protect her. DD is the oldest of 3 and a bit babyish - horrible girl is in the middle of 4 and I suspect after attention. It's a shame as the family are spitting distance from us and would be great if they all got on better.

Have skimmed this one. My dd is 7 & is lovely (!) & has lots of friends but no friend in particular. I help out a lot at achool & it seems that whenever i look out at playtime she's by herself & it's awful but i think that i've just picked the wrong times to look! On the whole she's happy but will sometimes come home with heartbreaking tales of people saying she can;t join in so I can really sympathise. Our schol has the 'bus stop' idea & also 'playzones' run by year 4s, 7 there'll be (eg) hula hoops, skipping ropes, ball games etc but they don't seem to have them all of the time. I agree about '3's a crowd' for tea etc. Also a very good point to ask the teacher what she can actually do. (At our school I think the teachers aren't that involved at playtimes, there are seperate supervisors for that & the teachers get a break - which I supose they deserve!)