Homework Hell!! (Year 7)

[sarahpandco]

Hi, I'm pulling my hair out! My DD has settled in well to secondary school, joined lots of clubs and met new friends, but as soon as I remind her to do her homework she turns into a demon! Eventually she will sit down and get out her work, but then moans, groans, etc, etc that she can't do it (really she just means she WONT do it as it is "work"). I sit down with her, but unless I do it for her, it usually ends badly! I've spoken to her tutor who said it is my job to make sure she does it....but how, without having a major strop every night? Can anyone help?!!

She can only take responsibility for doing it, when you stop taking responsibility.

So don't remind her, nag her, help her, anything.

It's her homework. She'll soon get the message.

Don't do it for her - that way lies a special kind of hell.

She must get used to doing the work herself. Are you going to sit her termly/yearly exams for her too. Or her GCSE's? Perhaps you fancy doing another degree in 7-8 years times? Don't mean to sound flippant but when will she start to do her work if you are always stepping in to do it for her when she refuses?

As difficult as it will be you must allow her to get into trouble. If she starts to get detentions and this affects her attendance at school clubs then so be it. Perhaps the lack of ability to go to the clubs because she is in another room writing an essay on why she should do her homework might focus her mind on getting it done at home?

I do think the tutor's response is appalling - can you speak to someone else for advice? Does the school have anyone that deals with pastoral care?

Can I ask though, was she happy to do homework in Y6? Is this a new development? Could she be frightened of failing/getting poor marks because she is overwhelmed by the amount of homework she suddenly has?

Meant to add - I think you might need to (1) bite the bullet and let her get into trouble and (2) speak to the appropriate person at her school (not necessarily her tutor) to ascertain why she might be behaving this way and trying to find ways forward to deal with it. If you were to work in partnership with the school, in the full knowledge that they will be giving her detentions then the situation may improve.

I have a Year 7 too and although she is usually very good about doing her homework she is forgetful. One morning she forgot her completed homework and the school sent a letter home, she hasn't done it since though I know it's hard but she will have to take some responsability at some point so you may as well start as you mean to go on

I think you have definitely got to take the time to supervise her, not do the homework, but sit with her and watch over every thing she writes. You giving your time to educate her is priceless especially as shes having motivational problems and schoolwork can be boring and like a 'conveyer belt' on and on, same old stuff...... it will help her and clear your conscience too, its one of the most important things you can do for her.

agrees with TMMJ :)

My DSD's weren't very homework conscious in Year 7, so had to be reminded quite a lot, but most of it was easy stuff anyway. Year 8 homework has been slightly more challenging for them. We went through a period of them not doing it or forgetting but we used the bribery of Facebook when they hit 13 to remember to do it every night. So we have a no Facebook rule until homework is completed and checked against the planner. DH and I between us check the standard of the work just in case they decide to rush it and not do their best. It seems to be working, currently.

Maybe you need to find something to motivate your DD with, be it TV, Facebook, or something fun at the weekend if she does it without any or minimal fuss.

Don't then, just leave her to get it on with it, obviously a child in year 7 knows what to do to keep focused...... I just think a good mum would take the time to sit with her child and get her motivated, its not really much to ask is it now.

And what is the thinking behind 'bite the bullet and let her get into trouble', haha, where is the parental responsibilty behind that. Talk about lazy parenting.

I used to think it was best to let them chill and have a break when they got in from school and then do the homework. But for my DSs that is not good. They seem to unwind and then I can't get them wound back up to get on with school work. So now I am a mean mum and the moment they get through the door the books come straight out. No screens until everything is done. It has taken DS2 a term to get the hang of it, but now the arguments have stopped and the whole process is a lot calmer. If he does try to argue, I say I am going to write a note in his planner to say he refused to cooperate. That always works!

Thanks everyone! I do need to say that I don't actually do her homework...but do seem to have to spoon feed her to get her on the right track! I think I'll go in and speak to someone in pastoral care as I need to get the balance right. Her tutor seems to think that it is my responsibility to make sure she does her homework and that Year 7s shouldn't be left to their own devices which in her case would lead to detentions! It's good to hear it's not just happening in my house!

Sorry, I forgot to answer (roguepixie), the whole homework issue started in Year 6 - and she had a fantastic teacher always bigging her up.

crypes Year 7 is old enough to take responsibility for homework. My parents barely even asked if I had homework at that age. That was trust and respect not lazy parenting.

OP you sound like a lovely mum. Let DD learn the consequences. You deserve to relax in the evenings!

Now is the time to let her take responisibilty and suffer the consequences.

Work with the school on this. Tell that that you quite agree she should be doing it and that you are not a disinterested parent. Tell them they must impoise tough sanctions on her if she doesn't do it. Eventually she will get bored of those sanctions.

In the meantime you need to get to the bottom of why she doesn't see this as important. Does she have plans/hopes/dreams for the future. Talk about how she will need to work towards them.

But most importantly lead from the front. Tell her and let her see you doing somehting that requires concentration and focus. Tell her how you're finsing it hard but cracking on anyway. Set a good example.

I agree with wordfactory. But also, make your expectations clear. My two (very similar stage) know they are expected to work at the kitchen table, straight after they have eaten their tea. So by and large they do. At weekends, I ask what they have and when they plan to do it. Sometimes I point out that they have time now but we're going out later, or whatever. But I don't stand over them and I definitely don't spoon-feed them. As they are sick of hearing since they started junior school "it's your homework, not mine"

I would agree with the good points already made. Also though, I would suggest a chat about what it's all for.

I think if someone can see a bigger picture of life beyond school and have an aim it makes some difference; rather than toiling away for its own sake which is how homework can appear to people of this age.

Even if dd doesn't know what she wants to do after school is over, she will have a more interesting life with more choice in it with decent marks under her belt. It's all 'money in the bank' to spend later. In a way it's her 'job' at the moment and she goes off to work every morning to do it. That's how I try and present it to my dd.

My dd is in yr 8. The homework has def got more challenging this year and boy does she moan, so I know what it can be like to listen to. But she does do it. I'm trying to keep her eye on the ball and keep it upbeat. Lots of praise for good marks, lots of support if not.

I don't ever do it for her (no way!) but I'm always available to talk it over with her, show a big interest and help with materials to make it look good etc. My parents had no clue about my homework, just told me to go and do it. I floundered and lost interest and have lived to regret it because I could have done so much better with a little support.

2 words: routine and reward. My dcs come home from school and chill for a bit until tea. After tea they sit down to do homework and only when it's done do they get to watch TV or whatever they want to but not before. They've done this every night since they were little and it's as much a part of a routine as brushing their teeth. Try this with your dd and get her into the habit of doing homework the night it's set rather than the night before it's due then reward her when it's done. It's such an important lesson to just get things done rather than have them hang over you. I just wish I'd learned it when I was younger. I used to be a terrible procrastinator and have only got better as I've got older.

Ds1 is ill tomorrow, and the awful thing is I am actually relieved that today (Sunday) hasn't been blighted by nagging him to finish things. He has done most of it, but some just needs "extra attention".

fivecandles your advice is good. Maybe the trick is to have tea quite early then!
bendybob I agree with you, v important to input - who else are they going to get some of the input FROM? Sometimes ds's work isn't marked for several weeks (the wordy subjects) so he really doesn't have a clue whether he's on right track or not.

better dash - not quite finished, but hear footsteps!

If you hqve to give her a lot of help, is it possible that her homework is pitched wrong? Are you sure it's won't and not can't?

If you are sure, then your responsibility is to make sure she has all she needs to do it, the space, the peace, the resources, the packet of Jaffa cakes, whatever. And to be there if she gets stuck. But you certainly shouldn't be sitting over her, and you certainly shouldn't be doing any of it for her. (Oh, except colouring in. I've done colouring in on occasion). Apart from anything else, if she hands in homework that doesn't reflect where she actually is in a subject, the teacher will assume that she is understanding things that maybe she doesn't. And then the homework will get harder, qnd she will start floundering.

Her tutor couldn't hqve been more wrong. Go and talk to her Head of Year.

A question, did any of your parents help you with your HW, stand over you to see if it was done or do anything more than say remember if you have HW it's Guides tomorrow.
Because my parents certainly didn't. Non of their business and I'd have got extremely pissed off if they'd stuck their noses in.

I have two dd's, one in yr 7 and one in yr 9.

When dd1 was in yr 7 it was hell to get her to do her homework, and we row after row over it, and I ended up in tears at one point. After that I decided to take a back seat. I ask if she has homework, ask when it is due in etc and thats it. If it's not done she gets detention.

Now she is in year 9 and most of the time she does her homework without me even knowing she had any. Dd2 is not too bad either. They both know that if it isn't done, it is their responsibility, not mine.

You guys have made me realise how lucky I am with mine :)

We have to negotiate over music practice. I start with 30 min and they start with 10min, and we generally meet somewhere in the middle. But when it comes to homework they see tangible results. The (indie) school publishes tracking grades towards the end of each term and nobody wants to be at the bottom. Hence the motivation to get the homework done.

This is why I disagree with the 'let children be children' 'competitiveness is bad' philosophies that are practiced by many state primary schools and some parents.

Don't get me wrong. We don't get the kids to stand in front of a mirror every morning and chant 'I am a winner, I am a winner' :)