14 yr old DD recently diagnosed with anorexia. Blindsided us as she was well adjusted all-rounder, good peer support and academically strong. She started secondary school in last year (we live in Republic of Ireland where kids typically go to secondary school at 13 yrs old).
Allowing for transition to big school, more academic curriculum, finding her “tribe”, she did well in her first year. Not overly image conscious - no more than many of her peers - plays sport, enjoys sea scouts and outdoor activities like sailing and camping. Restricted social media access but needless to say, the brand consciousness and need to fit in prevails (within reason).
She has two older brothers (16 yr old and 18 yr old). Gets on well with them even if they can be annoying in the way that older brothers can be. Her older brothers had considerable learning needs when younger (dyslexia, dyspraxia & ADHD) but have done really well so far and are independent, sociable and doing well so far.
We had her assessed a while back for ADD as she was zoning out a bit but it would now appear that she was quietly reducing her calorie intake, dropping meals and portion sizes.
She was diagnosed at beginning of summer holidays so we are hopeful that we can make headway before she returns to school.
CAMHS here have been great and we are using the Maudsley approach of re-feeding and family based treatment. DD has been making good progress over last 3-4 weeks and putting on a kilo a week. If she continues, she should be able to return to school as normal in Sept but this is a long process and I am conscious it could be two steps forward and one step back. Miraculously she actually came
forward to me and disclosed at end of May that she may have an eating disorder because they were discussing this in her Home Economics class. She is not attention seeking but she was clearly very upset that she had ended up down a rabbit hole and recognised that she felt in control by starving herself and this was now addictive and detrimental.
DH and I have been in a “co-parenting marriage”
for last 10 yrs. Separate bedrooms under one roof. Trying to keep the family unit together for a number of reasons. We are also business partners. No blazing rows but he is not an easy person to live with and he has struggled with a number of aspects of joint parenting over the years.
DH is likely ADHD but a successful entrepreneur who needed me to keep the show on the road and the home fires burning. I worked in my own career until 5 years ago and in that time since, oversaw house renovation, discrete projects and school transitions.
The kids have been very aware for a number of years that relations between DH and myself can be quite strained, discordant and I would have been walking on eggshells to manage his mood swings and work around him. We would all often be walking on eggshells.
We tried couples counselling a few years ago with little success in terms of resolving divergent parenting styles or trying to find a consensus. He also has a habit of badmouthing and undermining me in front of the kids. And they see that for what it is.
We have been holidaying separately with kids for a number of years as family holidays can be stressful. He is otherwise a decent person & a devoted father. To outside world; he is a Mr Nice Guy - can never do enough for others - we live in a nice coastal village where everyone knows everyone and his profile matters to him. Emotionally unavailable to his family but I have more or less managed the parenting until now.
18 months ago; our 14 yr old DD who now has the eating disorder and who is the youngest and the quiet observer told me (after DH had lost his cool with me for no real reason) that she doesn’t want me to stay with DH just for her sake.
As a young teen, she has been forming her own views as to relationships and sees her friends’ parents etc. There is zero affection between DH and myself at home and he can also be quite manipulative and try to intimidate me. As far as he is concerned, all is well at home and no reason why current living arrangement should not continue for at least another 2 years until DD is 16 yrs old.
CAMHS have been asking questions as to home life and themselves noting the divergent parenting and how DH sells himself to them. They are v clear that their remit is to assist DD in her recovery but also suggested we consider appointing mediator.
I instinctively feel that DD’s eating disorder has thrown a spotlight on what is not working (and has not been working for a long time) and that she won’t make long term progress unless we just rip off the plaster and properly separate with different homes and kids going between the two homes (to be agreed).
I don’t want to alienate DH and he has said he wants kids to stay in main family home with him and I get my own smaller place so the kids won’t want to put down roots at mine. At this point, I really couldn’t care about staying in main family home and happy to make a new start elsewhere nearby as I know the kids will vote with their feet.
He works late and is a workaholic so won’t have time for them anyway. Mealtimes were often a farce or very stilted. He’d be quite uncomfortably dismissive towards me or just lecture at kids about business or politics. He may even be neurodivergent but had masked it well until
now but not so easy in his early sixties. His regular weekday evenings involve coming home and putting his AirPods in to watch Netflix on his phone. I just want DD to get well again and that we all have peace of mind. There are no third parties.
When the kids were young, I felt I had no choice but to “suck it up” as my sons needed a lot of support and I have no family in Ireland
but I do now have an excellent therapist, some good friends and undertake local voluntary work. And all three kids are really lovely, good fun and I am so proud of them. I just don’t know if her parents finally separating will cause more distress for DD even though I now definitely want to action it.
Am I mad to be even considering a proper physical separation at this juncture? I don’t want DD blaming herself what is beginning to look like an inevitability. I feel real sadness and shame with myself for having possibly and unwittingly let marriage breakdown drag on for so long just to keep the peace and place DD’s mental health at risk.