Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

I do kind of agree tbh, I get the same feeling when the laxitives start to work as when I cut myself, it's like a release of all the energy that's stuck inside me. I abused them in my late teens as well & it took me ages to get my bowels working again, I know it's gonna be tougher this time round. My Ed has been with me since I was around 5/6, it's definitely a part of who I am, even when I'm maintaining & being 'normal' it's still there nagging away. I wish I could go back to that now, I've had yrs when I can ignore the nagging, but yeah something happened about 2yrs ago that triggered the feelings again & that together with the niggling in my head has taken over again. Atm it's consuming me, I'm trying so hard to work with my team & 'fix' it, the trigger has been dealt with but the Ed just won't fuck off. It feels like the harder I try the louder it is. Still I'm not gonna let it win, I did it before I can do it again 💪

something happened about 2yrs ago that triggered the feelings again

This is a key point for me. I know that life is going to throw challenges at me.
I don't want to fall back on ED habits as a way to manage them. I have responsibilities and people who love me and things I enjoy doing.

@TheOrigRights yeeeesss, exactly this. I didn't even know it was becoming a prob again until it was too late. I genuinely like my life, I just need to get this gone again. It was a massive thing that blew up & no one saw it coming & not something I could have planned for but like I said it's been dealt with & I fixed it, just the Ed has managed to worm it's way back while I wasn't looking. Like you I've got things to live for & need to figure out how to keep this bullshit with food at bay when things get tough. Life happens & sometimes it's a bit shit but this is no way of dealing with it. I'll get there, I find you're posts are quite motivational when I wanna just give in, you make me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's tough & hard work but isn't anything that's worth doing? 👌

Thank you @Sickofthisshit84, I'm glad you find my words supportive. That's what this thread is for - a safe place to get your warts out!

Hi,
I feel ridiculous. I’m post menopause, and in the middle of horrible serious health challenges that have been going on for several years.
Whenever I get very stressed all my old ED thoughts and behaviours come back: obsessing about my weight, hating my size, fantasising about ways to get rid of the fat, counting calories, avoiding certain foods etc. I had anorexia for two years when I was 14 and was then bulimic on and off for several more. I’ve never lost my disordered thoughts although my behaviour changed.
I’ve been told that it’s a very bad idea to try and lose any weight as I’m undergoing treatment for cancer but I am 21lbs over my acceptable weight. I gained weight during my last health crisis when I was stopped from my strict exercise regime (6 days a week, 90mins).
Anyway, here I am again, tormenting myself by identifying extremely skinny role models, actively avoiding looking in any mirrors and even deliberately looking away when I have to be naked.
So, just wanted to introduce myself and touch base with people who will understand.
m Thanks for reading.

@fran2023 hiya you, sorry you find yourself here but welcome nonetheless, this is a fantastic thread. I'm currently going through hell with my Ed atm & people on this thread have been amazing. Have you touched base with you gp or anyone yet, it always sucks to have to make the first move but the earlier you speak to someone the quicker you might be able to get some kind of action plan in place. Just because your over an acceptable weight it doesn't mean you're not sick, I'm still at a healthy bmi but losing, because of my history I've been able to get a therapist & my psychiatrist is making noise again as well so if you haven't please try & open up the communication with someone who can start putting things in motion, as you know this shit only gets worse if left alone.
We're here as well if you need to vent about anything 😘

Hiya guys, just checking in. How are we all this week? OK I hope 🤞. Had a major blow last week, my gp is leaving in Aug, I feel like the grounds been ripped from under me, he's amazing & I've never had anyone like him (my last gp didn't even ask me my weight even though I'd been rushed in with suspected heart attack 3 months prior & my dentist sent me there coz my teeth fell of when I was being sick) & I'm never gonna find anyone like him again. He assured me that he'll hand me over to someone that'll take me seriously but I'm not holding my breath, I feel like I'm gonna be left to rot. I'm seeing him tomorrow for weigh day & will chat more then, I finish with my therapist in 3 weeks & even though she said she'll have me back with the loss of my gp I'm doubtful about that referral now as well. My psychiatrist wants me in for a face to face as well which I'm intrigued about, not seen him for around 10yrs & he suddenly calls me asking about my meds, how I'm feeling then says 'we'll get you in ASAP for a catch up' I'm obvs suspicious as well. I feel like I'm in limbo & it's sent me on a spiral, I had a massive binge on Friday & ate nearly everything in my freezer, made my self sick, took hundreds of laxitives etc. Still managed to lose 2lb by today though by some miracle, I was so hopeful that the team I'd started to get together would actually be able to help me & now feel so abandoned it's like 'what's the point.' hopefully my gp will be able to reassure me tomorrow but I'm not gonna hold my breath like I told me therapist 'the only thing I can rely on, is that I can't rely on anything'
Hope you're all doing better than me anyway 😘

Hi @Sickofthisshit84 how did the week prior to the w/e go? Can you focus on small positives rather than the unravelling?
I understand how unsettling it feels when you learn that someone you trust and rely on is leaving. The GP I had during my darkest period was absolutely brilliant. Most are - keep that in mind. Your GP will ensure the new one takes good care of you.

You often say you are suspicious about your caregivers. Surely it's clear why your psychiatrist would want to see you at the moment and that your GP or someone else in your care team will have contacted them. May I ask how you still have a psychiatrist after 10 years? Have you never been discharged?
I'm pretty amazed that it will be the same one. Within in the space of about a year I saw 3 or 4 as the turnover was so quick (and I may have voiced to them how frustrating that was....using 1/2 of my time to painfully tell them why I was there).

Being not too tethered/reliant on a care team is part of recovery. They are complex emotions to have - I honestly felt so pathetic and needy but knew that me making decision for myself rather than me following their instructions is a massive part of getting well. It's hard - you've dumped your most private and difficult feelings onto someone you trust and then they're like "oh I'm leaving", and of course they have to remain professional and can neither say that they're glad to be shot of you or that they also feel upset.

Hello @Fran2023
A gentle welcome to our little corner of support and empathy.
I'm so sorry to hear you have a cancer diagnosis. Of course you are stressed and it's not at all surprising that your unhealthy coping methods have reared their ugly heads. Please go easy on yourself. That you've identified these thoughts is a positive thing.
I think it's very, very common for people who outwardly are recovered to never really lose the disordered thoughts. It's akin to an alcoholic never being able to drink again even though they have been sober for tens of years.

What really helps me when I slip into unhealthy behaviours is to focus on the negatives those behaviours bring. Also, I know how darn easy it is to slip (comforting in a way), but SO bloody hard to shake them off. You can't just dip in and out because you're having a bad week.

I use my very basic but very reliable techniques - sitting with the feelings and knowing that the world won't implode, and good old distraction. I have a list (which makes me look a bit dim tbh) which I can refer to. I know what's on the list, but in the moment, when the disordered voice is screaming it's really helpful to be able to look at the list and do what it says. It's going through the motions really. The feeling I get when these methods work is SO good, but I only get that feeling on the other side. It is easier for me to manage now because my son is older and can be left alone (I'm a lone parent). I had many years of feeling trapped.

Take care

@TheOrigRights i thought I was discharged from my psychiatrist but obvs not, maybe they kept me hanging around as I self harm as well & was suicidal during most my 20s. It was a different one to who I last spoke to so I think they've changed. I'm not too bothered about that though coz I've not had any contact in so long things have changed alot since I last saw my psych so it doesn't matter that they've changed.
My gp wants me in to see him tomorrow to do my weigh in so I'm going to have a chat with him. He told me that he would make sure I go to someone that can deal with me which is reassuring. I know I won't get a yone like him he really does go above & beyond (calls after hrs & on his days off etc,). I'm happy for him, he's a young guy & taken an opportunity it's nothing I wouldn't do & I have done in the past in work it's just really thrown me. I think maybe coz I finally felt like I could make some decent progress at last.
I see my therapist on Friday & I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, I know she's said she'll have me back straight away & apparently she enjoys working with me (she told my gp last week I'm a pleasure so yey me 😂), I do trust her & I don't many people thats why therapy has never really worked I can't open up but I've been able to with her. She's taking me through the proper screening for asd/adhd we've done some provisional tests & I've got both apparently so I know that's on the cards this week & she's sent the forms to my gp as well. I'm gonna like you say try & focus on the positives, I know I can trust my gp so I need to trust he'll not leave me out to dry & my therapist has been amazing & tbf always come through for me so I've got no reason to doubt her, I've just got to get my doubts about the system as a whole letting me down. I do feel better this morning after my run & a bit calmer, it's still niggling away at me but I'm keeping busy & trying to focus on the good.
How are things with you anyway?

How’s everyone doing? @TheOrigRights i have read all your posts…now that your children are older, have you found this lessens the grip of AN or allows it to flourish? Do you your children have any idea? Daughters?

Hello,

I have 2 sons (14 and 24).
About 6 years ago I did tell my older son a few details. We were going on holiday and I simply asked him not to comment on my eating patterns, that I was having problems but getting help. I wanted to preempt any questions from him, or worse, smart arse comments. At the time I did also say the same to a few people - just not to comment.

As far as I know my younger son had no idea. I think a lot of people think I'm just a bit weird about food.
Last week I was taken aback when a friend had seen me walking along the street eating a KitKat. Apparently I was eating in a very strange way - breaking off tiny bits and eating like a mouse. And there was me thinking how far I've come just being able to 1) eat a KitKat and 2) eat in public.
He wasn't being rude or pointed, just laughed. And I laughed.

Regarding the manifestation of my ED, while my mindset is still very much not recovered, I manage my behaviours very well. It took a while, but I am now much more able to use the skills I learnt when I was under the care of the ED team. At the time I knew they all made sense, but was not ready to recover. They stuck though and now I use them (sit with the feeling, distraction, look at the positives and negative).

What's your story @Fillyourshoes ?

My daughters 8, atm I'm having a major relapse & struggling. She knows I don't really eat. I do make an effort to have breakfast with her so she sees me eat something & when she's off school I'll take her for food sometimes & have something 'safe' she knows I take laxitives but thinks it's because I can't go to the toilet. She has heard me being sick but I very rarely do that when she's home, I generally try to keep purging minimal (it has escalated lately though). I've just told her that I ate something that had gone bad if it happens when she's home & she seems to accept it. She knows I speak to my gp over the phone about food/eating as its weekly & usually in the evening. She does know I go to a hosp to see someone but doesn't know exactly what for, I told her it's just check ups. She knows more than I would like but as its just the pair of us it's hard to keep her totally 'ignorant' to what's happening. I've only relapsed in the last 18mnths or so & I'm really trying to 'fix' it sooner rather than later, even though atm I'm struggling to see how.
What's going on for you?

@Sickofthisshit84 how is your purging behaviour atm (laxatives)? Have you been able to decrease?
Who are you under the care of at the moment?

My ED nurse telling me "your son WILL know" really hurt me to the core. She was right (truth hurts) and it is a very powerful message to help recovery.

I am also a lone parent, but my son is older now (14) and is either out more or I can be out and leave him. This has helped hugely with feeling less trapped (which was a trigger for ED behaviours).
I would pay sitters to come over just so I could get out for a 45 minute run.

@TheOrigRights i did stop purging (vomiting) nearly altogether but I put on a few lb the other week & it really triggered me & I'm doing it about twice a week, I've lost the weight & more. I rarely binge & I've been being sick if I eat literally anything off plan. The laxitives are another matter. I went up to nearly 100 a day not too long ago. I've dropped back to 50 day from 60 in the last fortnight & I've stopped taking hundreds on the weekend, I fact the last 2 weekends I've not taken them at all so I'll take the win on that.
I'm still with my gp weekly, he's leaving this month & we're discussing who's going to take over my care, I think we've found a good fit (he's been the best doctor I've had). I finished CBT in May & my therapist is having me back around Nov time, in the meantime I see a counsellor once a week as kind of a holding space & to try & keep me anchored. I've got a new psychiatrist, I've spoken to him but not met him yet, I'm meeting him & my new treatment team the end of Sept. I start a new job on Sept 1st, I get 2 days off a week so hoping I can arrange my apps for them days, I've not declared my food probs to them, my current employer knows & they're great, I'm hoping I can get this over with sooner rather than later & not have to discuss it with my new place though.
My gp has made noises about putting safeguarding in place for my daughter & I am absolutely furious, I know it's coming from a place of concern but I will never let myself get so ill I can't look after her, if I have to force feed myself & go mad to ensure I can look after her so be it, i will never ever jeapardise being able to care for her. He says he appreciates my honesty & that's key, coz I don't pretend alls well & tell him about my set backs, but when he says things like this it really rattles me & makes me not want to be honest & just leave therapy altogether. The whole reason I agreed to go back was because I don't want my probs becoming my daughters.
How are things with you? You still holding up ok? I've not been on here much coz I feel like I'm just bringing people down, I feel like a bit of a petulant child & I just need to grow up & get a grip (we all know it's not that easy) & stop all the bullshit.

Hello, I’m not completely sure what is happening with me when it comes down to treatment. I have had assessments and other appointments. Two of which were with a Dietitian. I thought that as I was having those I was in treatment. Then I was told I was on a waiting list for treatment which confused me. Now I have been told that my treatment can start. I was given forms to fill in which I did and have sent them back. I am very worried that I underplayed on some of the questions including how much I stick to a plan to lose weight. I have an appointment with someone this week which is the start of treatment I think. I’m not sure really. I don’t know what to do. I think the forms are to help with a diagnosis.

@UsernameChangeES my therapist had me do forms for asd/adhd & tbh I didn't have a clue what to say, I've lived with these conditions all my life for me it's normal. She told me to imagine my worst days & use them to answer any questions. I think that where ED are concerned they kind of half expect us to play down what's going on for us (I know I have for yrs, it's only with this latest relapse I'm being totally honest with them), I would suggest when you see whoever your seeing, just ask them what's going on with regards to assessment/treatment for you. Just tell them you're filling in forms & going to apps but don't seem to be being told anything of any use about moving forward. It's easier said than done & it still breaks me everytime I have to speak to my therapists/doctors but try & be as honest as you can with them. It's horrible & I've not really had much of a breakthrough (yet) but it definitely makes the relationship between us more of a working relationship rather than the usual push/pull relationships I've had before.
When is your app? Let us know how you get on.

Tell them that you've played your situation down in the paperwork, if you can let them know which parts, they should be familiar with your forms & ideally have them there to refer back to

@Sickofthisshit84 My appointment is on Thursday. Yes, I will let them know then. I have lost a few pounds since the last time they weighed me. I am telling myself it was by accident and there is no need to be with the ED team. I am completely fine, there’s nothing wrong. I lost weight on purpose and I am happy with it. I’m still trying to lose weight but saying it’s alright and absolutely fine. Losing a bit won’t matter. I try to tell them how the food plan the dietitian gave me isn’t working as I have Diabetes and it needs to be more flexible. That part is absolutely true. I’m not using Diabetes as an excuse here. It may help someone without Diabetes but without flexibility it can’t help me due to carbohydrates.

I sound so hypocritical here but have you got the weight to lose? I'm losing weight on purpose & feel fine & insist I'm all OK, that it's just my laxitive abuse I need help with etc but in reality I know I will keep losing weight until there's nothing left to lose. And are you losing it in a healthy way? They'll ask you these questions & more & you'll want to run out the door & never go back. Stick with it though, it's uncomfortable & cringe worthy to 'come clean' about your habits but it will be worth it in the long run.
I've read a few people have probs with their meal plans when they have diabetes so they surely must be able to take that into account if you bring it up to them. I've managed to avoid meal plans so far but I suspect they're going to be introduced in Sept when I meet my new team, carbs are a massive fear food for me, I generally live on keto when I'm not 'ill' but I don't think they're going to take that on board & I'm dreading it.
Dig deep & try to seperate what habits are 'rational' you & what ones are 'ED' as much as I'm still pushing back against treatment, I have found doing this so enlightening & it's making me much more open to treatment & want it to work, rather than doing it because I have to. Let us know how things go on Thursday, we're all here to support you however things pan out.

@UsernameChangeES how did your appointment go?

I am on a name change (from OrigRights).

I am going away for 3 weeks on Tuesday (yay!).
Dilemma. I weigh myself 2 or 3 times a day. I am a healthy weight.
I do not have a healthy mindset nor a normal eating pattern (whatever that is!)

I don't know whether to leave them here and try to get on with my life, or stick within my comfort zone. I could take a tape measure.

I recognise it is completely ridiculous to take scales on holiday.

@CharlotteBog please leave them at home and enjoy your holiday!

Although I say that as someone who is also away for three weeks and I am restricting because I don't know the calories and I told myself this holiday would be a great opportunities to lose weight - lots of hiking and being outdoors etc. I need to start fuelling my body properly!

@CharlotteBog i want to tell you to leave them as well (easier said than done) I've been away alot over the last few weeks & have left mine (I also weigh myself in excess of 3 times a day). It was fine while I was away, because they've been planned trips I gave myself a 'free pass' to enjoy what I wanted. I'd be lying if I said it was easy but I did it & even though I had mini melt downs every time I came home & stood on them scales I'm glad I did it. I did have to kind of see what other people were eating to know what was 'normal' & follow their lead but for me & where my mind set is atm it was such an achievement & even with the weight I'm currently in the process of shifting again I'm quite proud of what I managed when I was away. If you can leave them try & give yourself the free pass & dig deep & go for it. You can do it 💪😘

Had my assessment at the hospital today. She said because my sodium, potassium and albumin have been low I am at risk and she would probably recommend going inpatient. I really don't want to do that as I just think it's not the best thing for me personally. Does anyone have any tips for recovering on your own?