Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

@Mrstwiddle wow really? Do you know if this would ever be given on the NHS when the sufferer doesn't have any depression?

[quote thesootherfairy]@TheGratefulWitchCried welcome. Sorry you find yourself here with us.
You're fortunate to have treatment and so soon.

I don't know what would change what goes on in my head. All I know is I want it to happen. [/quote]
I agree so much with wanting the change, but not knowing how. I know this is what the CBT is supposed to do, but I can try all the techniques they give but it's so hard when my head's screaming at me that I shouldn't, I don't deserve to be nice to myself or allow myself to eat.
Similar to PPs, I'd love to have a family meal without guilt, shame, restricting to compensate. I'm dreading Christmas and food, I'd love to just relax and enjoy it but can't seethat happening

Having had anorexia for so long, I do know why it's there and what I need it for.

For many years I couldn't see that there was a problem. I didn't realise there was one at all despite very low weight and virtually no eating.

I was almost 30 before I realised there was an issue but by then so many years had passed already and I didn't feel I could ask for help. And big part of me didn't want to.

Even now when it's clear that there is a problem I don't seem to know how to solve it.
The problem is in what the anorexia does for me. It helps me. It's function is extremely effective in that it can cover up entirely something bad that happened to me. If any of the horrible things bleed through into my consciousness, all I have to do is eat less, focus on losing weight and it's gone. Like it never happened and I feel much better.
The real problem is that there won't be anything else that can do this for me. And so I wonder whether asking for help after all these years was really a totally pointless exercise as taking the anorexia away will leave me in a terrible state and unable to cope.
Anyone else have this experience?

@thesootherfairy

Having had anorexia for so long, I do know why it's there and what I need it for.

For many years I couldn't see that there was a problem. I didn't realise there was one at all despite very low weight and virtually no eating.

I was almost 30 before I realised there was an issue but by then so many years had passed already and I didn't feel I could ask for help. And big part of me didn't want to.

Even now when it's clear that there is a problem I don't seem to know how to solve it.
The problem is in what the anorexia does for me. It helps me. It's function is extremely effective in that it can cover up entirely something bad that happened to me. If any of the horrible things bleed through into my consciousness, all I have to do is eat less, focus on losing weight and it's gone. Like it never happened and I feel much better.
The real problem is that there won't be anything else that can do this for me. And so I wonder whether asking for help after all these years was really a totally pointless exercise as taking the anorexia away will leave me in a terrible state and unable to cope.
Anyone else have this experience?

100%. Although I've always regulated my emotions through food from an early age, my most serious relapse occurred a few years ago because I felt that it helped me deal with the symptoms of PTSD that I was experiencing. It's hard to think about anything else when you're starving. I have to say, the only reason I started asking for help was because my periods had stopped and my BMI was too low for IVF. I too feel like it serves a purpose and is 'better' than the alternatives. I'm trying to work through that with my psychiatrist and dealing with the emotions/memories/thoughts as they come up rather than repressing them through restriction. It's bloody hard though.

I'm struggling so much today, exhausted, frustrated shouting at everyone! I know the reason why I should be eating but it's my stupid brain inside telling when and what I can. Just want it to disappear. I'm such a rational person and I know what I need to do but something inside me stops me.

Sorry for the moan

@mynameiscalypso I had no idea anyone else felt like this! You're right it is hard to think about anything when you're not eating but that's how it works. It then makes you feel calm and nothing is bothering you.

I can't see an alternative which makes it an impossible task.

@Luckoftheirish I'm sorry to hear you're struggling today 

@TheOrigRights how was the dietitian?

I wonder if I could be offered that? Might be nice to have some help with the actual food side.

Everyone else??

Hi all, cautious about diving in here, but I think it’s time after lurking for a while... I definitely need support!

Brief history: I had a raging ED from about age 18. Started as bulimia, but my purging was only ever laxatives. That morphed into being diagnosed with anorexia (got a handle on the binging and just restricted plus purged). When I was 22 at uni I went to my GP who thankfully referred me to the Russell Unit (I was in a central London uni). I had two years of intensive out patient (ie attending unit every single day) then a year of attending once a week for therapy and doing couple therapy with my now husband.

Then... I had a tough-ish few years of being discharged but still pretty obsessed while working.... then was pregnant aged 28 and truly, that was the cure. I was just not thinking about it.

Fast forward 11 years. I have 3 children. I have a career. Still married. I thought this was ancient history.

Lockdown has brought it all back with a vengeance. I always knew it was there. When tired or stressed (or both - I have a v stressful job!!) the ED would sort of scratch at my brain, but I kept it at bay. I sort of longed for it as something that was just mine (as I give so much to kids etc), if that makes sense...

But lockdown.... I am do disappointed in myself!! I need it all it over again...

I don’t want to do numbers in detail but gone restricting to the tune of losing 3.5 stones (gone from bmi just into overweight to now just skirting underweight).

I’m hoping to give support tonyou all and also admit that I’m devastated to be back here (I’m really back in it...) but also secretly happy to have this one thing to to myself....

I can’t tell anyone in real life. My husband was with me in the early days. He’s said many times he can’t go back there. My best and oldest fried has an ED herself (anorexia) and is struggling herself. My wider family can’t go back to hospitals etc.

Xxx

The worst thing about this time round is that my eldest daughter is 10. I am so so afraid of teaching her this.... it breaks my heart to think that she might see me shrink and copy. I hate it.

Me, I think. Or at least food or no food is a tool when my mental health is poor.

Periods of starvation, binging, purging, laxatives, overeating etc etc since childhood.

Weight ranges from 7 -15 stone, currently overweight but slipped into starvation mode, about 400 cals per day.

Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in my teens, latterly depression and pnd and most recently with bipolar 2, adhd and c-psds.

So fucking tired.

I’m 45 now.

Welcome @lots33 & @legallyblond
Sorry you find yourselves here!

Legally. The treatment you had previously sounds absolutely amazing! I wish I'd had something like that.

It was amazing!! I was really lucky! It saved me. I’m sad to be back here but if I reach deep, I do realise it’s just part of living with a long term thing like this. If ever it was going to rear it’s head, it was during a global crisis! The reality of my life now (mother, wife, breadwinner) means it’s weirdly harder to admit defeat and say I need help, let alone get it! Thanks for the welcome. Sorry we’re all here. I really understand so many of your stories...

I’m almost 39 now by the way. I really thought this was something I’d successfully kept in a box for my 20s.

Sorry you are all struggling too.

@legallyblond
I've not been able to talk to anyone in RL either. Only my GP and the ED service know.
I too am worried that 11yr old DD are showing signs and it's my fault.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to use here to vent a little tonight, I hope it doesn't upset anyone.
It's been a tough day. There's lots of family stuff going on, DP and I kind of fell out last night, CBT group today when I was already tearful and low. Talking about our core beliefs, and realising that mine are not about fear of being fat, but about fear of being kind to myself. The things I can't allow myself to eat are because I like them, I want them, so I can't have them because I don't deserve to be nice to myself.
I don't know, does this mean it's not an ED as such?

Hi. My bulimia started in my teens and ended in my early 20s. I had anorexia in my early 20s along with the bulimia.

I managed to overcome it as I realised I could die from it. I can remember trying to eat a normal plateful of food after living on just a bit of fruit every day for months. It seemed overwhelming at the time.

I just wanted to say if I can overcome it you can too. All the best.

Can I join too please? I hope everyone is ok.
I'm 37 and had an ED/restrictive eating/anorexia/over exercising since the age of 15.
It has ruled my life. I have got better only to get unwell again.
This year has been tough and the lack of control has not helped me.
I became ill with a bowel infection in May and was in hospital for a long time. I gained weight due to having no exercise and a specific diet.
Then suspected bowel cancer but thank god i got the all clear.
It took me about 6 months to get back on my feet
Now I've been diagnosed with holes and scars in my bowel and an inflammatory bowel disease and endometriosis.
Anyway the focus has been on my diet and what I can and can't eat for inflammatory bowel disease which has massively triggered me. I mean the healthier I am and the less I eat means I can control my inflammation but it's an excuse to be in control.
Sorry to moan. Just needed to get it off my chest xx

Hi @Ardenon
Sorry you find yourself joining us!

@pointsettia the wanting to recover isn't the issue for me. It's the lack of available treatment anytime soon which is my issue.

Crappy day today. Work is a mare. Tomorrow looks worse.
The additional stresses are not helping with the ED.

In my 40's, suddenly stopped eating last Christmas as a means of control and found by my surprise it numbs me too, which felt more healthy than numbing from alcohol, but of course isn't.
Now it's a daily battle of juggling between wanting to drink and not wanting the calories. I can't quite decide if that's an inner battle that's healthy or unhealthy!
I’ve reached a plateau where I'm officially 'normal' weight all the time now, though occasionally come close to dipping back into underweight first thing in the morning and then back into normal weight by evening again. I guess what I DO eat is pretty reasonably healthy stuff though, I just don't eat enough of it and I get stressed when I’ve drunk as many calories as I’ve eaten for that day. I wish I didn't feel the need to think about it like I do. And the constant robbing Peter to pay Paul is a tea juggling act. Life is too short!

But I know ED is a way of self-medicating. I think if we can find ways to soothe ourselves and make ourselves feel better we won't need this to much. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping. And I can't beat the idea of putting on weight, so I'm not sure how that's going to change. Maybe I won't fear it so much or something.

Thanks for letting me join.
Had anyone found this year, with lock down, their bad habits and recurring ED thoughts have got worse?

Scales2020 couldn't agree more about self medicating

I'm 37, anorexia in my teens, then the last couple of years. Struggling but (almost) maintaining right now, BMI currently just above 17.5. It was down to 16 a year ago and my period stopped which scared me into sorting myself out and getting my BMI back up to 18. I was barely underweight by the time I got to the top of the waiting list for treatment so I was discharged. Not sure if I was silly to be asking for help seeing as I've pulled myself out twice now? I had no treatment in my teens either.

I have been bulimic for the last 18 years. It's a part of me now. I can't have any treats in the house and I just about can resist my son's advent calendar. At times I buy food just to binge on. I'm worried about my teeth and my wallet. I've literally flushed so much money down the toilet!

Oh gosh it makes me so sad to hear these experiences

Hi @DuckingMel @kowari @Scales2020
Sorry you're joining us.

It is sad. And worse that those of us who want help, can't get it or need to wait years.
@kowari I can't believe they discharged you at bmi 18 after you'd put a tiny amount of weight on.

It's appalling. It is making me feel angry and like we should complain to someone/where.

I'll have a think.

I don't feel particularly let down by anyone, as I have had every treatment going and all kinds of different mediations, including fluoxetine. However, nothing has helped. I've been on a diet all my adult life and counting calories is automatic. I don't know how else you wouldn't overeat. When you've had eating disorders for 27 years, it becomes almost impossible to recover. I am afraid to try, too, as I don't think I could control my eating.