Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

@TheOrigRights i saw the nurse yesterday for my weigh in, my BP is low (which I know, it's always low) plus their scales added like 3kg to me, so in one way it's good as my gp will think I've only lost 3lb or so (rather than the 7-8lb I've really lost) but seeing that number even though I know exactly what my weight is drove me nuts tbh. My gp is due to phone me today (usually in the evening so he can spend some extra time with me) so I shall find out what he has to say later, he's fab tbh & so patient with me. I'm starting to regret going for help tbh, it was over a yr ago & my dentist insisted after having to replace 2 of my teeth I list through vomiting. I'm kind of at the point I don't want it even though I know I need it. If it weren't for my kid I wouldn't bother tbh.
With your predicament, will it be a one off? Or will it be a regular thing? I would say if its a one off maybe try & go & if it starts to trigger you then you know to avoid it for the time being. The staff there are trained to not get involved if they see patients outside of the clinical setting so if you did see the nurse then I would think the most they can say is hello & just be polite. I know what you mean about the voices always there, even when I thought I was recovered for yrs the Ed noise were always there niggling away in the background. I wish now I remember how I managed to keep it quiet, maybe I wouldn't be losing this time round

1. Anorexia since early twenties. Been okay for five years. But due to serious weight gain from steroids and lack of mobility Ive kicked off again. Gone from over 1500 calories to maybe 800 or less. It’s fine at the minute because steroids have got me from 12/14 to 22. But I need to be careful. Doesn’t help when a family member has just had a gastric sleeve fitted!

@ryveeta I thought you was already on this thread, hiya. This is a fantastic thread, everyones so supportive & non judgemental 👌

No idea what is wrong with my phone. Just wanted to say I hope everyone has had an OK few days.
I have been discharged from the ED team now and not sure how I'm feeling

Hiya guys, bit of a mixed bag this week, haven't been able to run so only lost 1lb (gp happier with that of course) so I feel awful & hate myself. My therapist told me yesterday that we've only got 5 sessions left from our extension but she's gonna phone my gp & get him to refer me back to her again (she's going to make sure she has me back) . I'm glad of that, I like her & I do see the potential do make some kind of progress if we had more time. My gp isn't happy with me & wants to see me weekly again, he's ordered more bloods & wants to have some kind of scans to find out what damage the laxitives have done to cause the bleeding all the time. We've agreed to try & reduce them down from 50 a day to 45 a day, I've failed miserably, I've taken 100 already today & made myself sick this morning after I had to have food. I feel like such a failure & that I'm letting everyone down, the need to keep my head calm & stick to the rules is just so strong. I see my therapist & my gp again on Monday & I'm dreading it coz I have to tell them how crap I'm doing at everything I agree to.
@rustnot do you feel like you're having your safety net ripped from under you? I know that's the kind of feeling I'm getting when my therapist told me we've only got 5 sessions left. It's all very well telling me she's going to get me back but how long will that take? It took me a yr to get her in the first place. Do you think you've learned enough to keep your head above water or do you feel you need to have someone there as a back up? Maybe try speaking to someone in your team about your concerns, it's a long shot but maybe they can do some kind of phased sign off rather than just leaving you to fend for yourself.

@Sickofthisshit84 how old is your daughter and does she know about your ED? My daughter is 13. It's hard to battle with the guilt of causing them concern.

@nnutmegx my daughter is 8, she has asked why I don't eat but I always tell her I eat when she's in school. I eat eggs & a banana every morning so I make a point of having it with her when she has breakfast so she sees that I do eat. It's tough & takes alot of planning for me but I try to always eat when we go out for food as well (usually during school hols) so my excuse that I eat when she's in school seems more plausible. She is literally my main motivation for trying to attempt to fix my situation tbh, I just dread to think she might pick up my habits & end up dealing with this nightmare all because of seeing me & thinking it's normal.
How do you manage with an older child?

@Sickofthisshit84 my daughter knows I find it difficult to eat. Just as she knows that I get sad,not because of anything she has done, but because the happy chemicals don't work quite right in my brain. She says she doesn't understand why I don't eat and I say that it's ok. She has a very active lifestyle, very sporty and eats intuitively. She is a much happier, more balanced and socially secure child than I was at her age. At 13 I was depressed and soon to head down the anorexic rabbit hole. I pray she never loses the freedom she has.
A few years back I needed hospital admission for critical low weight and it broke my heart to think of leaving her so I managed to refuse admission without section and gain some weight at home. I don't weigh myself anymore as I'm too horrified to see the number but feel very fat.

@nutnutmegx awww I'm sorry you feel like that, I totally get you. I've avoided hospitalisation up to now & my weights still 'healthy' atm, even though I feel huge. I weigh every day alot & the number on that scale can make or break my day. Currently having the 'fat is not a feeling' talk with my therapist, well I fucking feel it so ho figure 🤔😂.
My daughter is a picky eater but only like most kids her age, like yours she's sporty, sociable & eats what she likes when she likes so I don't push her to eat more variety. She eats alot of fruit & veg, there's just not much variation in her main meals but I'll take that if it means she's eating regular. She's heard me on the phone with my gp as he tends to call in the evening so she's heard me talking about my probs with food but she doesn't question me more than she already has. I hope she grows like yours & doesn't pick up my bad habits, it sounds like you're doing an awesome job with her 👌

Just a quick check in. Hope you're doing OK.

@Rustnot Firstly, I want to apologise for my late reply. I have had an assessment appointment and the Eating Disorder Clinic have been helping me. I have also had an appointment with a dietitian who has given me a meal plan. I had that appointment on Wednesday 5th April. He told me to think of the meal plan as a prescription and that I can add things to it and move things around but not take anything away. He is worried about my protein intake as I am, for the majority of the time vegetarian. He has also said that I shouldn’t run or go to the gym because of my protein intake. I eat meat when with my partner and it helps with my mental health. I don’t know what to do regarding that. I do have other appointments scheduled as well with them.

@UsernameChangeES it sounds like you're moving forward with a decent plan of action. How do you feel about the meal plan? My therapist is making noise about starting to eat little & often & I know that's going to be their next step & I'm already panicking about it. I hope you manage to make some progress with it. I'd struggle with no exercise as well, running is so important to me, not just from a weight control perspective but because I love how it makes me feel mentally as well. It's such a good stress & anxiety buster for me, I'm thankful they haven't mentioned me cutting back (yet). Keep us updated on how it goes for you, you've got this 💪😘

@UsernameChangeES I'm so glad you are getting the support you need. Are you getting therapy alongside the dietetic input?

I understand the running thing. I was running a lot at one stage during my ED. I didn't acknowledge when it tipped into ED behaviour. It had become really obsessive and when I went for a bone scan, it showed had lost bone density, and was diagnosed with osteopenia, so not quite osteoporosis but on the way to it. That was a real wake up call for me. I will have another dexa scan soon and hopefully it hasn't got worse. I don't want to sound preachy but please be careful with the exercise! I still run, but I don't track time speed or distance. It's much better for me that way :)

I ran and ran, 10k a day with no rest days. If I didn't I wouldn't eat because I didn't know how much less I needed (no fitbits then!) I would say the exercise caused me more distress than the restriction. I got the high from running but also the shit: the shame of kids making comments, running in all weather on injuries or when unwell. I stopped over exercising when I went back to work after my daughter was born, 13 years ago. I still 'need' to burn kcals when I walk. It's never for just pleasure but I don't ever want to be back where I was constantly moving or standing. I had a curfew where I wouldn't sit down until 8pm. It was hell. My AN eating behaviours are still miserable but I can honestly say the exercise was crippling. I had many suicide attempts from not knowing how to do another day pounding the streets.
I'm naturally active but my exercise addiction dampened any joy I now associate with it.

@Rustnot I have osteoporosis and when I was running while pregnant (please no judgement, I couldn't stop) I swapped to treadmill as I was afraid of falling, tripping or traffic. Although exercise is good for bone health, it's important to minimise the risks. I was roller skating with my daughter some years back, fell and fractured my coccyx. It hurt!

Thanks for your recent comments. I'm several years on from when I commented on this. I'm not recovered but I'm getting there.

I've been in therapy (expensive, private) for 10 weeks. I'm starting to be more compassionate to myself and slowly learning that it's OK to be shaped like Venus and not Kate Moss.

I've gone from purging 6x a day to maybe twice a week and I'm still learning.

We can do this. The hardest part is not wanting to recover even while you do. But we can do this.

I've always been very sporty, I was on all the teams in school (even the boys football team). I'll run 8.5 miles a day, my hips hurt but I'll keep going, if they are particularly bad I'll only do 5.5 miles. For the most part I love it & it's my happy place but I do push myself to keep going purely for the calorie burn as well, I was happily running round the woods in the snow the other week. I told everyone it's coz I love the snow (which I do) but it was mainly to try & burn more cals in the cold. I do alot of trail running coz it's more strenuous than road running (&more fun tbh).
@idontwanttobeapie I totally get the wanting to recover & not wanting it at the same time. I want to recover for my daughter mainly but I would just love to be 'normal' where food is concerned (I love food & miss it so much). There's a much bigger part of me at the moment that really doesn't want to get better, I'm addicted to watching the scales go down & pushing my body & not eating & the pain when the laxitives kick in. I hate it & love it in equal measures & as a result I'm going round in circles. I need to shrink the part of me that wants to keep Ed around so I can make some actual progress when it comes to recovery

@Rustnot @Sickofthisshit84 I haven’t been having therapy yet. I enjoy running and going to the gym as it helps my mental health. I am being careful and trying not to run or exercise too much.
I really don’t like the meal plan. I know that it could help and agree that I need to introduce more protein as for the majority of the time I am vegetarian. It’s a big step though and very daunting. I am scared of putting back on the weight that I have lost.

@UsernameChangeES i bet, I'm feeling panicky for you just reading it. My therapist is going off about me eating little & often as I only eat once a day & it's either scrambled eggs or mixed veg & always kept under 5-600 cals. She mantioned just spreading it throughout the day at first & I can't imagine it right now as I always eat in the morning.
Try & be positive though, I know it's easier said than done but they are only trying to get you to a healthier weight & not pile on loads of lard. As daunting as it is try & dig deep, you'll have set backs, we all do but hopefully in the not too distant future the good days will out weigh the bad days. You got this 💪

@IDontWantToBeAPie reducing your purging that much is such a good achievement in such a short space of time!

Any changes to eating patterns are really scary and my team were great in that they pushed me but helped keep changes small enough that they felt manageable. There's that horrible point in recovery where you feel like you're failing if you gain weight but also failing if you can't stick to the meal plan and I still feel like that some days.

There are some days where it felt easier to tackle the ED and others where it felt, and still feels, impossible. I think recovery is such a long process you have to go slowly. @UsernameChangeES even if you introduce meat just once more each week to start with, you are making a positive change. @Sickofthisshit84 eating twice instead of once a day to begin with probably feels less scary than moving to 3x3 if that is what is being suggested.

Some days I feel like I'll have an ED forever, other days I feel more positive. My other MH diagnoses also make things more complicated but I am still trying to challenge the ED when I can, and on the really hard days I remind myself of how poorly I was and how that felt. I was thinner, but I was also so unhappy and did not have the strength to function properly and as much as I want to be that weight again, I also want to live my life.

@rustnot maybe eating twice at first would be better,good thinking batman 👌. I'm currently awake from around 3am every morning so I could eat twice & still be in the morning. I know that's not exactly what they want but until my sleeping patterns are better then mid morning feels more like dinner time for me anyway.
I've had my Ed since about 5/6 so it really does feel like forever & it really does feel like I'll never get better & that I've lived with it for so long that I may as well just resign myself to the fact I'll always have it. I'll be happy to get back to when I've been maintaining at around bmi 22/23 & being able to mostly ignore the noise. Atm it seems like an impossible task but I've done it before so I know I can do it again.
It's the same with me with other diagnosis atm, I'm working with trauma mai ly with my therapist & she's referred me to someone to deal with asd/adhd (just been diagnosed with both), my therapist was diagnosed in her 40s with adhd & her son has asd so even though she's not the one that specialises in it she's been really helpful in getting my head round it all. I really do like her & am glad that she's told my gp to refer me back when our sessions finish & she'll take me back on. I'm hopeful we can do something to get me out of this rut.
You've done so well though, I've read this entire thread & you seem like you're really well equipped to deal with most blips if they occur. I think even the most 'recovered' person has bad days, it's how we manage them is what counts & good management can only really come from effective treatment & the tools they provide us with. Prob is some of us get decent treatment others not so much

@Sickofthisshit84 I'm scared that I will put on too much weight. I have already put on weight (which I hate) I look at myself and my body I just hate myself. I am in the healthy weight bracket, but can’t help thinking that I just look overweight. I started losing weight due to health reasons and then it changed from me wanting to lose weight for health to not wanting to eat, being in control over my eating and thinking about food 24/7. When I approached my GP I was having as little calories as possible, often under 500 calories per day. I was underweight but felt that I was good at losing weight. I was then referred to the Eating Disorder Clinic. When I had my assessment I was still underweight. I now feel like I am a failure as I was good at losing weight. Now, I just don’t think I’m good at anything at all. Writing this just makes me want to give up and stop with the eating disorder clinic so that I can be underweight again. I know I need them and shouldn’t give up. It’s just like all control has been taken away from me. I know they are helping me, but it’s so difficult. I wish for my body back but on the other hand I want a life without an eating disorder.
@Rustnot I agree, I think implementing a little change to begin with, such as introducing meat maybe once a week would help. I have been given a lot of big changes on the meal plan which I find daunting and I panic about. It could help if I did them gradually though. I am seeing the dietitian again for a follow up in roughly a week. I didn’t want to be weighed at my initial appointment with the dietitian. I felt ashamed of my weight. It’s like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel like I’m failing if I give up on the eating disorder clinic and also feel like I’m failing by gaining weight.

@UsernameChangeES I could've written that myself, that's exactly how feel. I was underweight & had to be dragged kicking & screaming to my gp & they were happy to be rid of me at the time. I put weight on (I don't know how, I wish I did) & maintained a healthy weight for in my 20s then I had my daughter & balloon to bmi 35 after that. I hated it but couldn't shift it then shit happened a couple of yrs ago & I'm down to 22-23 now & 'healthy' but the Ed has been triggered. I'm losing more & more & I've got a new gp who has an interest in Eds. My dentist referred me back when my teeth fell out after making myself sick & he's been brilliant tbf but like you, I'm good at losing weight & even though I want to be 'normal' around food I feel like I'm just failing when I put on or stay the same. I initially had the weight to lose this time round but I don't anymore & he's concerned that my bmi is going to drop to where it was yrs ago. I say it won't but he's pointed out that I keep moving the goal posts when I hit a target I make a new one. I know what you mean about being good at losing & then feeling like you're losing control. Every app makes me feel like running away coz I feel like their trying to take the little bit of control I've got away. I'm trying to persevere but I do feel like knocking it on the head tbh, if it wasn't for my kid I wouldn't bother. To me it feels like the main focus is always on my weight rather than the root of it. My therapist is trying to break down them barriers & recognises there's more to it but coz of the limited time we have we always seem to come back to putting on & maintaining which sends me spiraling all over again.

@Sickofthisshit84 I am so relieved that you understand. I was nervous about writing how I feel. I get so confused about how I would like to lose weight and how at the same time I would like to recover. I am trying to keep going, stay focused and keep working with the Eating Disorder Clinic. I don’t want to let them down by not keeping with their program. They have been doing what they can to help me which I appreciate so much. I am still at the beginning working with them really. I hope they don’t just focus on my weight. I have another appointment with the dietitian, an appointment with a psychiatrist and a review with the lady who did my initial assessment. I’m the same way with wanting to be as you say ‘normal’ around food but it feels impossible. I honestly felt like a fraud sitting in the room with the dietitian. I was thinking about my weight and couldn’t help but think how I shouldn’t be there. I was thinking that I was a healthy weight so I must be fine. I don’t need to be with them. It’s unnecessary and I don’t have an eating disorder. Another part of me was saying that I should be there and I need to be there. I know that people with eating disorders can be any weight. I know that I have an eating disorder and they have confirmed it with me so they know too. I then panicked more when the dietitian said he would send an eating plan. I both want to comply with the Eating Disorder team and want to lose weight. Either way though, I think of myself as a failure. If I lose weight I fail as I’m not working with them, then if I don’t work with them and lose weight I also fail. I have been with a franchise focused on losing weight. That’s how I started losing weight for health reasons. The thing that keeps me going and staying with the Eating Disorder Clinic is that I would love children and a family.