Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

@UsernameChangeES yeah I totally get what you're saying. I find I can admit on here that I kind of enioy the losing weight & the starvation & even the pain when my laxitives kick in everyday. I tried saying that in therapy & I felt so fucking pathetic, like I was saying that what they were doing is pointless. I'm not I'm just trying to explain how it feels for me. It's my kid that's keeping me going if I'm honest & if you want kids then it's a perfect motivation to stick with it. My gp is trying scare tactics coz my weight is going down, my BP is low & I bleed everytime my laxitives work (alot). My weight is still healthy though so I'm like 'I'm not gonna die.'
I feel exactly the same though when they try to get me to do something, last week it was reduce my laxitives by 5 a day. I agreed to it & didn't even last 24hrs. It sends me into a spiral, I ate 'normal' with my friend that night didn't even finish. I went home & couldn't stop panicking, I ended up making myself sick & taking triple laxitives the following day (150). I did the same again 3 days later. I feel like such a failure, I've emailed my therapist & apolised for failing yet again & said sorry for letting everyone down but I also feel like a failure coz I still put 5lb on & I did everything to get rid of that food. I've shifted it now but I hate myself as well. I'm dreading Thurs coz I know I've got to see her & the dreading eating plan is possibly going to be introduced. I cannot see a way around it, i want to give it a go but like you I'm petrified of handing my control to them coz they want me bigger & I'm already healthy. I wanna say 'fuck it all' I really do.
We've both got our reasons to keep us going, you've got your want of kids & I've got my kid, we need to try & keep that in our brains when we wanna throw in the towel & do what we're good at, we can do it. 🤞💪

I definitely feel like I don't deserve to be sat in therapy, I feel like a total fraud & that in itself makes me want to lose more so I can prove that I do belong there. I'm gutted this week that I weigh the same as last week coz of my 2 days of eating 1 meal. I got rid of the food but still out weight on. Even though I've lost that weight I haven't made any progress in being lighter. It's kind of like a petulant child takes over & has a tantrum when things don't go my way, I feel like a child sometimes & I'm nearly bloody 40 😂. I'm tempted to cancel Thurs but I've never cancelled before so she'll know something is up if I do. Right now I'm like aaarrrrrgggghhh leave me alone to be thin then I'll come back & fix the problems in my brain. Problem with that is that I'd still have to put the weight back on 😭😭😭

I understand the enjoyment of losing weight and starving myself as well. I can’t help enjoy it and wanting to see the number on the scales go down. Whenever I weigh myself I check BMI and I feel so much dispair if it hasn’t changed or has gone up. It’s like it will always be with me. The need to lose weight will always be ingrained.
That is exactly my reaction to feeling like a fraud too. I didn’t get weighed by the dietitian because I was too frightened that he would think I didn’t deserve to be there if he saw my weight. In my head I was thinking that if I don’t get weighed they won’t see I’m a fraud. Then between appointments I can get lose a lot of weight and get lighter to justify me being there. I have my dietitian review next week. I know he will want to weigh me then. I want to be left alone to get thin too. My partner always says how I never needed to lose weight in the first place. I couldn’t disagree more. I know my body I know I had put weight on and I don’t even know if he is trying to be kind anymore or making a statement. He notices things about my body and will mention them. I wish he wouldn’t do this as it just makes things worse and I feel more and more guilty. We can do it though. I have faith in us xx 💪🤞🏻

I've told my therapist she is not weighing me & she's fine with that coz either my gp or the nurse do it every month. I know I usually get weighed the last week of the month so I'm always racing to try & lose more weight even though I know fill well I'm going to have shit for it. I just can't help myself (again being a soilt child really). I speak to my gp most weeks, I've had a week off this week but gotta speak to him next week & he's so patient with me, I know my therapist was phoning him last week about how to tackle my laxitive abuse so I know I'm not gonna like what he's got to say. I just wish I had like a switch I could just switch it all off tbh, I'm getting a bit overwhelmed with all the stuff they keep telling me they want to introduce that's without dealing with my 'issues' that triggered this latest relapse anyway. It just seems like so much to deal with on top of everyday life. They all go home to their lives at the end of everyday, we have to carry on with our lives with the crippling guilt/panic & everything else that comes with Ed. It doesn't just switch off when we leave their room & I think they seem to forget that sometimes, they say they know its hard but they don't seem to realise just how hard it is. I sometimes wish I could swap bodies for 10mins with them just so they can feel exactly what it's like for us

I completely agree, I think it’s just that they say what they are supposed to and don’t understand what we go through at all. How could they understand unless they had been through it themselves? It can sound to me like empty words. Sympathising maybe, but not really understanding. I don’t know how they really expect us to make all of these changes and just be fine. It would be easy for them. When it’s us, it’s overwhelming and difficult. I think they can come up with these changes for us which they could easily make. They don’t see that it isn’t as easy for us. It’s overwhelming and frustrating, they expect us to just implement them all immediately. I don’t know how I could say to my ED team that I like restricting, feeling empty and losing weight. I can say it here though. I just can’t seem to find the words to tell them. You’re right, we don’t have an off switch and I’m sure they forget it too. They will go home to carry on with their lives and leaving Eating Disorders at work. We live with Eating Disorders. I know they don’t understand the panic that we go through Every Single Day.

My own experience with the ED team was very positive. I felt they had a very good idea of the feelings I was going through, and that it wasn't just a case of me doing what they told me to do (let's face it we all know what we need to do), but worked with me to find things I felt I could do.
I did need to experience excruciating shame and let all my guards down. It took a lot of time, but I trusted them and knew that unless I was completely honest I would not be able to start to recover. I felt safe with them.
I got worse before I got better, and I was discharged before I was recovered.
This was the first round. The second round didn't go so well. I didn't click with the psychological therapist.

I am still not recovered but I am much better.

@TheOrigRights im so glad you got on well with your team, it sounds like it really helped make things work. I get on well with my gp & therapist, the psychologist doesn't really say much tbh & the nurse is nice enough but again she's very tight lipped. I am totally honest with them even when I feel stupid & pathetic. My gp is always encouraging me to keep being honest when he can see I'm starting to shut down, my therapist says she finds me refreshing to talk to as well so I take tha as a positive.
Seeing her today & I don't want to go, if I could find an excuse to cancel I would but I just can't think of anything convincing. Going for a run this morning so that should calm me down a bit. After my nightmare last week with 'binging' & purging I just don't wanna face anyone. I didn't really binge I just ate more than I normally would (not even a full meal but for me it was loads). Anyway I'll dig deep & push through, wish me luck 🤞

@TheOrigRights I’m really happy that you have a great team. That always helps. With my team I really appreciate everything they do for me, especially the lady who did my initial assessment. They had a meeting after my assessment and weren’t sure if they could work with me. They had reached out to another Eating Disorder organisation in my area and said that the other organisation may not be able to work with me due to a medical condition I have as they don’t having medical professionals. The organisation said they couldn’t as they suspected. So the team I am working with now decided that they would put a plan in place for me. I think that it is amazing that they have done that. They really have gone above and beyond for me. I haven’t seen the psychologist yet and I’m dreading it.

Therapy today wasn't too bad, she could see I was struggling. When she asked me how I was & I said 'fine' she asked me how I really was. She knew I was far from fine, I got stuff off my chest & she didn't dwell on it, she moved on & I'm so happy she did. No mention of a diet plan today which I'm relieved about, I've got homework to do by next week but it's just kind of trying to pin point what stress the Ed is 'covering' up for. Not sure how it's gonna go coz I have the emotional range of a teaspoon & don't really 'feel' like most people but I'll try my best. Next app is with GP next week now, so got something else to worry about now. I don't know what to expect from him now since him & my therapist have been more closely in touch. Hopefully he won't spring anything on me. Hope everyone's getting on OK 😘

@TheOrigRights

you ate quite inspirational. I have read the entire post.

when you say “much better”, what does that look like?

@Sickofthisshit84
I’m glad your appointment wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be and that your therapist understood and moved on when you needed her too. I hope the appointment with your GP goes better for you too.
I have my follow up appointment with my dietician on Wednesday and I haven’t been able to stay with the meal plan I was given. I don’t know what to say at all. I have been told that I have been eating a lot for breakfast but I was trying to stay with the meal plan. This was a trigger for me and it made me feel that I was eating too much and I have gone back to how I was eating previously. I just feel that counting calories and consuming as few as possible is right for me. I don’t know how to say that to the dietician without him thinking he is wasting his time. I just have no idea how to explain what I feel. @TheOrigRights @Sickofthisshit84 What has been helping you both during your recoveries? xx

@UsernameChangeES my therapist as fab, I can't fault her. She does challenge me sometimes & as much as I hate it I'm glad she does it as well, rather than just letting me do as I please. I'll miss her when we finish, I'm glad she's going to take me back coz I think we can really crack this if we had more time. This weeks homework hasn't been fun & I've abandoned it coz it's making me feel too uncomfortable. She wanted me to sit with the feeling when the Ed is strongest & see what it's covering up. It was a bit of a revalation but not one I want to entertain. So we have to find another way. My gp is fab as well tbf, he's so patient with me & I can tell he's frustrated with me but he perseveres. I've spiraled again this weekend, my daughters on hols & I've gone mad with the laxitives (270 & counting), I hate myself for doing it but I can't help myself either.
Telling you that you've been eating more for breakfast would have been a massive trigger for me as well tbh, it would have made me feel like I'm being greedy, I feel like sometimes they think I'm wasting their time as well, i remind myself that I wouldn't be seeing them if I had no intention of trying to get well so as much as you might feel like you're not making progress you really are just by going to your apps, that in itself is hard work for us so try not to be too hard on yourself when you don't make the progress they want, we're trying to break life long habits that have served us in the past, it's not like we can just switch off with a click of the fingers.
I find atm that letting me come to conclusions about things & allowing me to recognise things has helped, it makes me see for myself how bizarre my behaviour is, I find it easier to agree to changes if I've seen it for myself rather than just be told that 'this is wrong & you should be doing it this way.' I have in general reduced my laxitives through the week, for 50 a day to 40 it's just the weekends I've let myself go. I know I'm damaging myself but the gp telling me hasn't done anything really, it's only when I've been in absolute agony & bleeding everywhere that it sunk in that I need to do something. I'm aware though that as my weight drops lower I'm going to have less say in how treatment goes but for now that being able to compromise with my guys is really helping. I'm still losing weight but it has slowed down the last few weeks. I hate it & I wanna knock it all on the head & just do as I please but I'm gonna stick with it as long as I can coz I know I won't cope if they take all my control away from me. Dunno if that makes sense 🤔

@Sickofthisshit84

You have had 270 laxatives since yesterday?

No, 90 Friday, 90 yesterday & 90 today. I usually take around 200 between sat/sun but my daughters away & I've gone all mad with them a bit.

I know I’m not telling you what you don’t know

but that is incredibly dangerous. The strain you are putting on herself and infact your heart is very serious.

please please please don’t take any more this weekend. Please

You have taken 90 tablets today and it’s not even 10.30

@Cleoforever i know it's a bad situation, I'm back to 40 from tomorrow. It's like having time to myself has given me permission to go nuts. I'm not planning on taking anymore today. It's not that early for me, I'm up at 3am most mornings. I had a lay in today until 4am so it's like the middle of the afternoon now for me. The laxitives are a real problem for me, i only eat bananas & apples through the week now & still take 40 a day (I used to eat eggs every morning but I stopped losing so I changed it), I had eggs yesterday & this morning & i feel huge & panicky. I appreciate your concern really I do, I'm not taking more today I promise 😘

@Cleoforever its the laxitive abuse is what's most concerning my gp atm, I can see why & I really want to stop them more than anything, I just get so anxious when I don't take them it totally consumes me.

So no more for rest of today if you’ve already had 90

promise?!!

I’m not surprised oP

it’s your heart

90 laxative over a weekend, 40 a day

OP it’s a slow form of suicide

@Cleoforever I've got a history of self harm & I was suicidal in my 20s but I'm certainly not now (I actually like my life apart from the Ed). My team have suggested that my laxitive abuse is a form of self harm, I still cut myself from time to time but it's very rarely now (about a yr ago was the last time). It's kind of the same feeling I get before I used to cut I get when I haven't taken laxitives, it's like I'm so stressed & anxious & it literally takes over until I take them (or cut myself). Like I'm full of this energy I can't can't get rid of, it's totally bizarre I know. Coming off the laxitives is top of my list tbh, I know they don't even make me lose weight, I might feel lighter but I know they just dehydrate you. I think we're gonna look at reducing again this week or next week. It's weigh week next week so he might leave it until then I'll find out Tuesday when we talk. The weekends are my next hurdle though, I've got to stop losing control whenever my daughter isn't here. The weather is changing now so things will be busier for me now, I'm hoping the distractions on the weekend will help with that. I know it doesn't seem like it but I really am trying to fix this particular problem sooner rather than later

@Cleoforever i swear to you, hand on heart no more today, I've got this 💪
Thank you for your concern, it seems strange to have someone have my back. 😘😘

Good on you!!!

I've been thinking about this in the last few days. It's been useful actually.
I think it's easy to settle into a life of disordered eating where your physical health isn't unduly problematic, you get on with what you need to with work, family, social life and hobbies.
On the surface I am successful and have a rich life outside of my responsibilities.

The reality is that it looks like this:
Weigh myself two or three times a day.
Feel pleased if I am doing an evening sport activity thus I can excuse myself from dinner with my son as "I'll be eating later".
Use particular cups for drinks throughout the day.
Get obsessed about my daily late night apple and orange and will make a special drive to a shop if I've run out w/o realising.
Have had the same inflexible breakfast for years and years.
Spend WAY too long choosing the nicest oranges in the shop.
Delay eating for as long as possible in the morning.
Work out how little I can eat in between sports or other things.
My size is part of my identity.

On the positive side:
I am a healthy weight.
After a sharp dip in my running performance (I am a competitive runner), I am getting back to where I want to be. This has been a HUGE motivating factor for me.
The tools I have learnt to help me do work - sitting with the feelings, distraction, some CBT skills.
The world does not implode and no one notices if I am 1lb heavier.

My team have suggested that my laxitive abuse is a form of self harm

It absolutely is I'd say, and I think it's common to transfer control or self harm from one method to another.
My ED started as it was something I could control when everything around me was unravelling and awful. It soon became something that controlled me.
In trying to find healthier ways to manage what the ED brought me I transferred the control to other aspects of my life. Less damaging to my physical health but the thought processes are deeply embedded.