Is this an eating disorder?

[Southsouthwesterly]

I am worried about DDs boyfriend. He's long term and they are planning on living together. I am worried about his health short and long term, how they'd actually eat together day to day, and what appears to be denial on his part. DD is really into healthy eating, cooks most things from scratch.
This is the background: he's very thin - weighs around 8.5 st and BMI around 17.5. (He's late 20s.) His BMI is in the middle of the 'underweight' part of the scale. He won't eat most vegetables though will eat a couple in small amounts. He is reluctant to try new foods and when he does will only try one teaspoon at a time. He's eaten with us a few times when I've cooked and his portions have to be 'managed' so he doesn't have certain things. He eats very slowly and only manages small portions. He's been to his dr a while ago for a check up and seems ok (no anaemia) as far as I know. I understood he was missing lunch at work saying he was too busy to eat, but again, is this an excuse?
DD 'feeds' him veg- ie puts a portion on his plate and tries to force him to eat them. I suppose what I'm saying is, does he have a food issue which goes beyond him just not liking certain things? I suppose I feel he's in denial over the seriousness of all of this- and I feel worried she's taking on someone who needs professional help.

That is toddler behaviour and is grossly abnormal in an adult. He really needs help, and if he won't accept it then that is selfish.

Do you agree with me?

He makes a joke about it all but I think it's serious and she is also unaware of his issues.

I think he has food issues going beyond not liking veg. I don't eat much veg (I know, I know) but am a healthy weight and nobody needs to 'manage' my eating. The fact that he is very underweight, skipping meals, and requiring weird supervision at mealtimes says to me that this is more than just not liking certain foods.

How long term? I'd be very worried about your daughter taking him on tbh.

Two years. Not living together, due to job locations, so each in shared houses. Planning on trying to move in together when they can. I am very worried and don't know how to broach it without it being a 'Romeo and Juliet' thing of parental disapproval throwing them together more! How would you bring it up without sounding like a controlling parent living her life for her?

You are worried your daughter is taking on someone who might need professional help? You come across as less interested in helping him and more interested in saving your daughter from a man who isnt 'perfect' for her.

If you do want to show some compassion, contact beat, the eating disorder organisation and ask their advice on how best you can steer your daughter to supporting her partner. Bear in mind the reasons for his disordered eating habits may be deep rooted and potentially traumatic for him to explore. This deserves time, patience, love and support.

Don't forget eating disorders amongst young men is still very taboo and difficult to talk about. Not helped when others see it as a nuisance or inconvenience, which I'm sorry, is how your post comes across.

fassbender
You come across as less interested in helping him and more interested in saving your daughter from a man who isnt 'perfect' for her.
And this is a problem why?
Southwest I don't know, it's very difficult. Can you encourage them to spend time living together before a big leap, so holidaying/ short lease rather than a mortgage etc. And be very, very receptive and available if she wants to talk.

I am worried about her falling into the role of parent-child in a relationship. Don't see there is anything wrong with that. I find your attitude quite odd but also rather patronising.

I know quite a lot about BEAT- have dealt with them on a professional basis, I know that the basis for recovery is the person wanting to face up to their issues. Unless he acknowledges that there is an issue, no one can help. BEAT won't help me- a 3rd party. They would help HIM and maybe DD. He is an adult not a teenager. Neither I nor DD are his parents. If he is to change anything he has to admit he has an issue first. He's not doing this. That's the real issue - not the next stage of getting help.

Folded they would be renting first. I am worried about her biological clock if she gives time and it doesn't work out. She spent years with a boyfriend who had MH issues, who ended it, and seems in some way to fall into the 'rescuer' mode with men.

Is she the same age? yy to encouraging our DDs to not rescue

Fassbender I came to this thread asking if it were an ED- not how to support him . That would be stage 2!

She is just slightly older, but under 30. She's very compassionate. I know from my own experience that you can't change your partner- they have to want to change. There are other issues apart from this which I don't want to go into for reasons of anon. I don't dislike him at all, but I have concerns.

Folded because no one is perfect and her daughter is an adult responsible for her own choices.

OP, you are concerned your daughter falls into the role of rescuer. Worried she will be the parent in a parent-child relationship. You are worried about her biological clock. Your daughter is responsible for her own choices, it's not the fault of her boyfriend who may or may not have an eating disorder. As you say yourself, even if you know he does, you can't really do anything as he needs to seek help himself. Instead, focus on why your daughter feels the need to 'rescue men' and concentrate on counselling her. But don't make this about the eating disorder when really it's about what you think is best for your daughter and how you worry about her choices and her future...

fassbender Out of interest do you have children? Grown up children ? If so, I pity them. You sound so hard. It doesn't matter how old our children are; we can still worry about them and the choices they make.
You are also talking down to me.

This is about lots of things. She isn't a rescuer if he doesn't have an eating disorder. You seem to be intent on making this something it didn't set out to be in my thread.

Thanks for you ideas, but no thanks.

Hiya, what you have described is exactly how our daughters eating disorder started, she is now slowly in her recovery, she was & still is in complete denial she's had an eating disorder, back in September 2016 she was admitted as an inpatient in a generic unit,under a section 2, then not long after a section 3, her weight went to a dangerously low weight of 5st 12, at that point was transferred to an specialist eating disorder unit 200 miles away. My daughter will still say shes never been ill, but thankfully she is at a much healthier weight physically, but we still feel therapy is vital for her full recovery, which still continues,I know how difficult it is,maybe talk to your daughter first, who then can express too him your concerns. Really hope he gets the help he obviously needs.x