Newly separated and need reassurance

[Nowwhat82]

15 years with my husband, one child age 4. Very rough baby journey, lots of losses including one bad one last year that ultimate led to us being one and done. I’ve healed one way, he’s healed another and long story short I’ve completely fallen out of love with him.

DH has always had terrible anxiety - it affects his friendships, relationships with family, his work, his ability to be a partner, our sex life, flying - basically everything we do. Before having our son I had capacity for it all because we had time to ourselves and to work it all out, but four years into parenting I’ve lost all patience and have just given up.

Im not from the Uk where we live, and Ive always told him when we had a family of our own he would need to step up with friends and family so we have more of a network. However instead he has gone the complete opposite way, and although a brilliant husband and dad in terms of at home management and day to day looking after our child’s needs, he has become a recluse who for weeks on end goes to work and comes home, never leaving the house otherwise or seeing people. Socialising, meeting people and all of our child’s weekends, holidays etc come down to me. He’s always tired, counting down the hours until our kid is in bed so he can sit on the couch and he’s lost all motivation for fun and living. He has suspected ocd, especially around time and routine. He also thinks he might have adhd following my own diagnosis a few years ago.

earlier this year I asked him could we go to the doctor to get him some help. Even for that I had to book the appointment. My intention was to get him ideally counselling (we have private insurance via work and can get access to this very quickly) and for me to be able to explain to the doctor what I and my son live with so they could get a clearer picture of what’s going on. However he wouldn’t let me go and instead told them his anxiety medication was doing enough and he was fine.

At first it was ok, I just put it down to having a young child, but this year it’s crept in where I’ve just become so burnt out and resentful. His lack of a network and shared experiences has affected everything including our home conversation. After work every evening I find our conversation mundane and repetitive - often focused on meals and house items because there is simply nothing else for DH to talk about anymore.

On top of that I commute to London three days a week, have a high pressured job etc. We have zero support and limited wrap around care so it’s a juggle. I’ve persistently requested that he does more - sees his friends with other kids, goes to visit his dad, takes our son away to visit wider family and friends. Our son is part of a lovely sports club with a great network of dads, however I’ve to lead on that so he can get his Saturday run in. I’ve also worked really hard to meet other couples and friends and despite being invited out for drinks by other dads my husband won’t return the offer and often just doesn’t reply. I just feel like i keep hitting walls.

Other mum friends have noticed it, often comparing me to single mums they know because of how much my husband steps back, so I know it isn’t just me.

I’ve even tried to turn my requests into things that he likes, suggested he joints the local men’s running club - no, his social club at work - no, contact two friends close by with kids our age - no. You get my drift. I’ve even had to start contacting his two closest friends to organise nights out and meet ups just to get him out of the house and seeing people:

His anxiety creeps into everything in our lives - we can’t plan proper holidays, weekends away, he hates staying with my family due to how many of us are in so I’m always so anxious. I find I’m worrying about juggling my son’s needs and also my husband’s needs and frankly I’m sick of it. We earn good money: and yet there is little to no enjoyment in life because everything has to have a set plan and routine in line with my DH requirements.

Financially also he doesn’t want to progress at work despite being excellent at what he does, meaning our earning potential all lies with me. It’s a lot.

I’m angry because I just feel EVERYTHING comes down to me. I’ve worked so hard to help myself the past few years; sought counselling to recover from anxiety and baby trauma, paid privately for an extensive adhd assessment and management plan which I’ve been told has transformed me (including DH has said this) and I’ve went on anxiety medication to ensure I’m happy and present with our son. I’ve also lost a considerable amount of weight, prioritised my health and done everything to just make sure I’m well and for family.

Finally I’ve reached my limit and two weeks ago started an immediate separation, he's in pieces and is saying I’ve ruined everything, I’m his world, I’m all he has to talk to etc. I’ve tried to explain that this is my biggest issue but he just keeps saying I’ve blind sighted him and had he known I was at this point he’d have done more. But I am struggling to see how he’s blindsighted because I’ve been vocal for so long about him needing help, and I feel it’s so unfair to portray me as the bad guy.

Even in our breakup, I’ve organised his friend to come round and see him last week which he very much appreciated (I took my son to my home country for half term and was worried about DH), and this weekend I am getting a solo break with some girlfriends and have contacted DH’s mum to support him and check in on him.

We had a huge chat last night and he is just so angry and let down by me. And I feel terrible but equally what more can I do? I’m not even 40 yet. I want to live a good life; have fun; have sex, not raise my child around constant anxiety. When my husband isn’t here or I take my son away; we laugh and giggle so much more. This life just isn’t what I want for us.

Was he ever been a big socialiser? Has his behaviour changed since you got married / had children? People are different, not everyone feels the need to be around other people all the time. It’s horrible feeling forced into it, if it’s not something you want to do (sounds like he is under a lot of pressure from you).

He is obviously not what you’re looking for and perhaps you’re just not compatible.

Break-ups are always tough, hopefully can work together and be civil and decent co-parents for the sake of your child.

It sounds that you've grown apart and aren't that compatible anymore.

You describe your DH as “ a brilliant husband and dad in terms of at home management and day to day looking after our child’s needs” - that isn’t nothing. If you go your separate ways, how is he going to manage looking after your small son on his own? You may be fed up with his lack of willingness to socialise, but I guarantee your DS will be devastated if you get a divorce. Have you explained all that you’ve written here to your DH, and most particularly, how you think counselling might help him? Would he be open to couples counselling as he seems to want the relationship to continue? Or are you in fact wanting him to re-invent himself as someone he isn’t? Clearly, your DH needs some help with his anxiety and needs to see things from your POV. Could you, having shown you are serious about wanting ti leave the marriage, get him to address his problems as a condition of giving it another go? Only you know what you can put up with - but do think of your DS, and ensure that your own desire to have fun isn’t at the expense of your son’s well-being. Very sadly, I suspect that your difficulties in having children have added to your DH’s anxiety, especially your bad baby loss last year, which must have been devastating for both of you. Don’t underestimate, though, the effect it might have had on DH, especially as he was already an anxious person. I really feel for you, OP, in this difficult situation, but do bear in mind that if you and DH go your separate ways, anyone you take up with will almost certainly have their own baggage - and there are enough threads on these pages about the difficulties of blended families. How will you feel about your DS spending time with your DH separate from you? He is as much your DS’s parent as he is yours - and your son is still well young. You have much to think about, OP, and it may be the end of the road for your marriage, but do think long and hard about whether there is any way you could persuade your DH that getting some kind of outside intervention is the only possible way of saving your marriage.

There is SO MUCH in what you write that is similar to my situation and I just want to send you all the love and solidarity. Living with someone for years who doesn't engage with the world, is consumed by stress and anxiety and refuses to get help is absolutely exhausting. It infects every part of your daily life. I can utterly relate to having tried everything to get someone to open to the world. It's not pushy if you can see how miserable they are and in my case even my ex said he wanted to see more people but then wouldn't do it. He was grumpy and stressed 24/7 and eventually became an absolute cloud over our lives.

I am further down the road than you in that I told him six months ago I wanted to separate and I will get the keys for my new flat on Monday. Moving in 3 weeks. I want to warn you that you're in for a particularly hard road because you're all he has, he's become utterly dependent on you. So you leaving is not just a breakup it is the collapse of his entire world. But please remember that doesn't make it wrong for you to leave, you clearly need to. It was wrong for him to depend on you so utterly. He is an adult not your child, and made a series of choices which led to where you are so don't let him tell you that you are tearing the family apart. Relationships need life, kindling , oxygen, energy, time apart and time to grow back together. He's responsible for all that too. You've been carrying it.

I've had six months of anger, threatened suicide, begging, misery, then anger again, telling me I'm destroying the family and it's all my fault. If you know you want to leave you need to know you're a strong enough person to handle all that on your own. Sending solidarity. Message me any time.

I am not sure if you are being fair. Yes, a huge social network is more important to you than it is to him. But it seems like you are trying to turn an introvert into an extrovert. I think you are also under-estimating how tiring it is to work full time and be primary child carer, house manager. You are on here complaining that weekends are all up go you, when it seems the other 5 days a week mostly rest on him. No wonder he is tired.

Good luck commuting to London three times a week with no partner to take on the bulk of childcare. Presumably, you will not want the nanny accepting offers to go out for drinks?

Sorry I think you’ve misinterpreted my post, the two days a week im at home I have our child after school, and I do school pick up and drop off also, my DH is in his office three days a week also, we juggle it,

Sounds like you did the right thing telling him you want to leave; the resentment will just build up over time and be even worse for you and your child. I'm 5 months into a similar situation and although still living together, already starting to feel lighter about the future. No-one wants to live with someone so dependent, anxious and stressed. PM me if you want!