Bought own house and feel HORRENDOUS

[Howlonguntilitgetsbetter]

My husband left me 8 months ago after I discovered he’d had an affair in the past. We tried to reconcile for a few months but eventually he left. No kids. Since then I got our house ready to sell, sold it, packed it up and bought a much smaller house for myself.

I got the keys a couple of weeks ago and I am really struggling to accept that this is my life now. All I see are stories about women buying their own homes and feeling relief and freedom! I just desperately want my old life back and am anxious and low all the time.

if you felt similar, how long did it take until you settled in to your new life?

I think it’s completely normal to feel like this when you move, never mind when you do it after a divorce. Don’t read unrealistic stories about other people. Whatever you do there are people saying daft things.

Like if you have to have chemotherapy you are stopped to feel emboldened and powerful because your hair drops out. So if you feel upset and vulnerable then you have failed.

It’s completely normal to feel down when you move, even if you move into your dream house. It’s tiring and all your stuff is everywhere. You haven’t got internet and there are endless thankless jobs to do.

8 months is hardly any time at all and yet you've had to cope with and do so much in that short period of time. You need to give yourself some time and space to breathe and adjust.
A relationship that you valued has ended, your trust has been betrayed and the picture you had of your future has changed - you need to grieve for all that.
Eventually you will feel better and move forward but in all honesty I think it could take months or even a couple of years.
Youve done really well to get all the practical stuff sorted, but that probably kept your brain busy and didn't give you much room to process events and now you've got a new home sorted, this is the time for that to happen.
I hope you like your new home - make it truly yours, rather than a 'holding' space. If you think it would help, seek some counselling. I'd recommend not hiding away - take opportunities when they arise and make the effort to see friends. Eventually you will get to a point where you realise you feel better.

Agree with PP. it’s a bit like grieving. There’s a crazy busy period with funeral and sorting out all the Things then it’s back to normal life with a big hole in it. Time to fill the hole.
You only have yourself to please now so might have to remember who you were before the marriage and get back to that state. It’s not easy. But must surely be better than the bad relationship.
Are you also hoping to meet someone else and worried about the old ticking clock?

Make it beautiful, get a couple of beautiful plants in lovely pots, a lamp or two, really gorgeous cushions. Play music light candles, make the place smell lovely.
some of my best years were living on my own, I’d swan about with a glass of wine and cheese and crackers for dinner.

it will take time, you are grieving. All the one percents add up, so if any of that stuff above gives you a glimmer of joy, get it xxxx

OP, you’ve been incredibly busy for 8 months. You’ve had quite a few big tasks to focus on.
I wonder if the adrenaline has worn off and the grief is now taking centre stage?

I would use that energy to start to make your home feel amazing. Start with the entrance so every time you come home you feel lifted.

This will pass 💐

Just to say you are amazing for having achieved all that on 8 months. Please pat yourself hugely on the back and remind yourself to celebrate the mammoth hill you have climbed when you feel better.

I am sorry you are feeling low now, and it is understandable. I hope you feel better soon.

If the lowness continues is it worth thinking of some therapy (do you have an Employee Assistance Program). Just to help process some stuff?

Yes I agree with this. Sounds like you’ve been through a lot and now your body and mind need to catch up x

Sending best wishes OP. Absolutely horrible thing to have to do, dismantle your whole life when you didn’t do anything wrong. As everyone’s saying, give yourself some time and space.

i’m divorced.

i initiated it and drove it but I still felt very sad once all was finalised as we’d been married twenty two years and he’d done some stuff I just couldn’t live with.

for a long time I had grief and sadness and wishing he’d just not done it.

it did pass and slowly I felt it less often.

I got cats and tried to get myself out there to meet new people - not boyfriends just friends.

i’m much much happier now but it took time.

Op it takes time and even with time there will be bad days. I am two years in and feel ok mostly. Yesterday I took a days AL to start tackling the garden. I was really looking forward to it and then was surprised that I actually felt low and anxious. All on me, thinking about my old garden- but by the end of the day I felt better. It’s all up and down. Be kind to yourself

Agree with everyone else - you’re in that horrible ‘what now?’ phase. You’re suddenly looking up for the first time in almost a year of being head down, absorbed in constantly managing the next thing in front of you just to keep moving forward.

You’ve now got breathing space for the first time and are being hit with a tidal wave of grief, and the aftermath of huge stress and trauma which your body and mind hasn’t had time to properly process. So the blank canvas ahead of you doesn’t look like an opportunity, it just looks like an absence of everything that was there before. It’s really tough, but it is a phase.

Be really kind to yourself and give it time. Unfortunately you need to feel the horrible feelings and let them pass, which may take a while. In the meantime, get your place as cosy and comforting as you can make it. Then think about what you want to fill your life with. As @Yello24 says, remember who you were before.

Learning to be alone is a process, and it comes easier to some than others, but it’s a really valuable life skill to be able to be happy and content in your own company. You’ve done amazingly so far, OP, and it doesn’t end here. You may have found yourself living a life you weren’t expecting at this point, but that opens the door to all sorts of other unexpected things which may bring you joy and happiness in the future.

Agree with the others, I have lived alone for 6 years now since a break up and own my own place now. It probably took me about a year in my old place to really enjoy being on my own, and that is around the time I started taking time to find new hobbies and to meet new friends which really made a difference (I was living in a city on my own where I didn't know anyone except ex and his friends/family).

It is exhausting at first, doing everything on your own is draining (it still can be when things happen that needs sorting out). But these things always get done regardless.

Remind yourself of the things your exH did that upset you, so you remember that the old life wasn't all good! Even if you have to write a list and put it on the fridge. Also recommend getting a pet if your lifestyle allows!

I’ve read all your comments and they’ve genuinely made me feel a bit better so thank you. I think I needed to hear that what I’m feeling is normal and that I’m probably expecting too much of myself too soon.

It’s been such a whirlwind over the past year that I don’t think I’ve really had time to process everything, and now that things have finally settled down it’s all catching up with me.

I’ve made enquiries about counselling, so hopefully that will help too. I’m going to try to be a bit kinder to myself and give it time. Thank you againI really appreciate all the kind words and advice.

look at the house and ask yourself "what is the simplest change I could make NOW that I will love but Ex would not?" it might be a change of curtains, wall colour, furniture, art work..... you start by making it truly yours.

I've always lived in, and loved, quirky, older houses. I truly loved the old family house and garden where we brought up the DC. thought it was my forever home.

Post divorce I moved to a bungalow / box. No character. A few years down the line I've made changes according to MY tastes, no compromises. I now love it. It's still a box, but it's my box!

I’d try not to overthink how you would like to be feeling and try to get into a bit of a routine. Treat yourself a bit and let your body and mind get use to your new surroundings

Thank you, I needed to read this too. I still care about him but couldn’t overcome some of the things he’d done. Now he’s okay and I’m broken even though I initiated. Feel scared I won’t recover.

I felt like I didn’t grieve fully until we were no longer living together and I was on my own; it was really intense for the first month. You will feel better in time.

This. I put fairy lights on a timer so I always came back to cosy and of course a dog. Warm throws and hot water bottles. Grieve and reboot - it takes time.

I also got really nice things that he hadn’t wanted. Eg nice pictures I liked. Nice bubble bath. Lovely cups of tea and a kettle that he didn’t approve of. Your life is what you make it.

Be kind to yourself yoga, swimming, t’ai chi, tennis club, decent books and podcasts

I honestly think it's a two year process to transition from one reality to another, and significantly longer for really awfully hard things. Keep going, it will get so much better. Sorry for the loss of your previous future, but good riddance to the absolute fucker that caused all this.

Can I recommend this old book A woman alone can be contented

I read it after my first big breakup when I found myself living alone and it really inspired me to make my home “my castle”.

It's shite, "fave scented candles" and "crisps for dinner" type comments be damned. People in relationships can have scented candles and crisps for dinner. But also it's a great thing to have your own place. You could be flat sharing for the rest of your life. So try to take comfort in the security of good practical details until the emotional stuff follows.

Get a cat, I remember this feeling and took me a few months to feel normal and getting a life again. Someone recommended a cat for company and I've still got the same 3 I got 10 yrs ago however I'm also happily married with kids now aswell as met my right Mr a year after getting house

On Saturday I'm moving to a new place and living alone for the first time since 1996. DH died 6 weeks ago and our tenancy was coming to an end anyway so it was the right time for a fresh start in a much smaller place. I don't know what it will feel like once I'm in there, but I know my brain has been too busy to deal with much other than the practical stuff. Give yourself time and space.

Well done @Howlonguntilitgetsbetter - what you’ve done is so hard!! Give yourself a huge pat on the back and be kind to yourself xox