I think he wants to go but doesn’t have the courage

[OrchidRosetta]

Advice sought but please don’t just say Kick him out, it’s not like that.
We've had a tough year, made worse by stress and family falling out.

He went to visit his family abroad for a month. Fine, we spoke everyday. No worries about cheating as I feel we all just needed a break. Life has continued for a few months but he’s talking about going away again. Not with me and the kids. I know he’s been depressed. I’ve suggested counselling for him and for us. He says no. It’s like he’s checked out.

Fine. We don’t argue. We do have sex. And I know he’s doesn’t want to hurt me or the kids. But this isn’t what any of us deserve. Have the courage to say so! Or work at it! He knows I want to get though this, we’ve had conversations about it. But then don’t mess me about. If you’re not happy and not willing to work at it, then say so.

All good to say right, but I’m scared. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to hurt our teens.

Any advice?

I think you need to say these things to him. If he’s going away again, tell him he needs to use the time to work out whether he’s in or out, and when he comes back he either a) packs and leaves, or b) commits to counselling, engages in real, honest conversation and does his part to sort out the marriage and its future. He doesn’t have the right to dip in and out, he needs to shit or get off the pot.

That’s a fair bit of advice. All that I’ve thought of. I don’t want to rock the boat either but it’s already unsettled waters.

when you said to him you want to work at it was there a response?

I havent. Well I have, but not in a serious sit down way. We’re both in the ‘carrying on’ stage.

I never get why women are still having regular sex with men that aren’t in. Like I’m amazed. I can’t do that. I can’t have sex with someone who’s not being a good partner

Maybe book some counselling, for yourself, to think about what you want your life to be like. And then consider what to do about it.

You might be hankering for familiarity or the person he used to be. Or there might be something to save. Good luck.

Courage applies to both of you - one of you needs to start the conversation, treading water isn't doing either of you any good.