I ended my marriage of 16years today.

[larksrise]

I feel so alone. It’s been a long time coming. Help, tell me how to get through the coming days. I know he will vacillate between being lovely and vile. I’m not sure he has accepted it, still seems to be arguing semantics. We have one dd who is 9, it’s going to rip her world apart. Initially I felt almost elated, like I’d put down a heavy load for the first time in ages and felt strong and ready for it, had to be in work all day and within 2 hours I was trying not to let emotion overwhelm me! Right now I just feel sad, exhausted and incredibly angry. What lovely distraction has helped you. What tips do you have to help me and my dd survive intact?

Are you both under the same roof tonight?

I’m not sure he has accepted it, still seems to be arguing semantics.

TBF it’s been a few hours

16 years married plus the relationship before the wedding is along time OP. All the emotions you are feeling now are to be expected and are very valid.
Right now you willl need to concentrate on the practicalities of going forward and on trying to make this as painless for your DD as you both can manage. Look after yourself as much as possible and try and accept the flow of emotions as part of the process of moving on.

Concentrate on what you're looking forward to once the hard part is over and stick to your guns. Good luck!

You are not going to survive intact.
Your "intact" has likely been fraught with anxiety, distress, fear, distrust, walking on eggshells...

Now you can begin to heal and rebuild your lives.

Congratulations OP. I know it doesn’t feel like that at the moment, but you’ve taken the first step and that feeling of unloading the weight is the one to hold onto. I have been fantasising about ending my also 16 year marriage for about the last three years. I wish I had your courage.

@larksrise congratulations - I mean it.
Pushing through that first obstacle is tough.
You have done it, it’s over.
Everything else will happen now.

Hope this is ok?
I do not want to be negative by adding practical advice to the emotional advice, but your OP does not say how far you are with the process.

Your immediate emotions:
How do you get through it? It is a form of grief and like grief, you are kind to yourself. You put one foot in front of the other.
Sometimes you take each day as it comes, sometimes it will be minute by minute.
This sounds silly; a friend gave me this advice when I ended my first marriage I was in my 20s! On the days when you are feeling low, or negative, or doubting yourself and everything feels insurmountable; make yourself a tick list in your head I am not infantilising you, this does work! So: got out of bed mentally that’s one tick, showered = 1 tick, teeth brushed another and so on.
It stops the day from feeling completely negative and focuses your mind on the positive things you are achieving, however small.
As much as you can, allow yourself to feel all the feelings.
Can you take a few days off to get yourself over this first hump and concentrate on you?

The immediate:
Being completely honest; I am concerned when you write that he vacillates between lovely and vile.
Is he still in the house with you?
Are you safe?
If you are not in separate homes how quickly can you arrange to be?

The practical:
Do you have a solicitor?
If not, find one locally who has a takes-no-shit reputation and get an appointment before the end of this week.
They may be expensive but, particularly in the case of divorce, good legal advice is worth every penny.
Do you have details of all of your financial assets and liabilities?
If not, find everything you can and make copies.

Ensure you make notes of all of the reasons you have decided to end the marriage.
You will need these for your solicitor and it will help to look back at them on days in the future when you might be having a wobble.

Your daughter:
Explain what is happening to her in an age-appropriate way.
Be as honest as you can, with the emphasis on how much you love her.
Be clear that she can talk to you about anything at any time.
DD may well need comfort too, 9 is old enough to ask her what she wants to do to make herself feel better.
Don’t be afraid to ‘spoil’ her for a while, I mean in the sense of giving her time and attention.
Devote any spare weekend time to doing things she enjoys and let her choose the activity; baking, building Lego, snuggling under a blanket to watch a film or read books.
You know DD best and you will know what she likes to do.

@redpheasant all I can do is draw on my own experience and that of my friends and family.
I spent the majority of my 20s married to a truly awful man, the only thing I regret is that I didn’t leave him sooner.
You do have the courage, I wish you all the best.

To anyone reading this who is going through a breakup now: sometimes you really will feel like that phoenix, other days you will feel like a pigeon.
It does get better, day by day, month by month, you can hold me to that.

Sending everyone the best.

Yes, same roof, all feels weirdly calm but strained (which is our normal in recent months). No idea how we’re going to make it work. It’s not my house, although we bought it as newlyweds, I don’t have much liquid cash, and it’ll be like getting blood out of a stone if I ask ‘d’h. But if I win the lottery this week I’ll rent a beautiful cottage somewhere while I decide on next steps! Gosh, I do sound maudlin I know- sorry! I’m just struggling to see how it all went from the fairytale pairing for so long, to the absolute shit-show it’s become in recent years. I am starting to wake up to just how abusive he has become. Is this a thing once men are over 50?! I would never have married him if he was so entitled, cruel, hypocritical, and sexist, although he has always been a bit emotionally stunted.
Thank you all for your messages, they have helped me to feel less heartbroken and focus on the future. I so want to make it easy for our daughter, I really do struggle to hide my feelings, and so I know I’ll get given a lot of the blame for any upset and ill effect on her, plus I pulled the plug so that will get used against me. I just don’t know how to be so maddeningly calm and patronizing like he is! I can’t help but react every time, even though internally I’m screaming at myself to not take the bait! I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve but I really need to learn how to act, or some techniques to cope, especially if my daughters happiness depends on it - she picks up on everything at it’s affecting her, it’s been a weighing up for a while of how much damage it’s doing v’s the catastrophic loss of her whole world as she knows it when divorce hits.
i’m really grateful to you all- some very grounding advice to read. I shall try all the tips!
I have all paperwork and have had a first solicitor meeting with a brilliant woman whom I will now engage. Separate homes is top of the question list but going to be very hard to achieve.
There are also growing concerns around alienation so that will be q2.
Part of me desperately just wants to walk back into his arms but I know it would only be a temporary peace and I can’t continue to be hurt like this and thrive where there is no trust or respect. I’m already tearing myself up at the thought of him moving on to someone new- pathetic really! How do you get to a consistent mindset on this?! On a brighter note, I’m already thinking about being able to make a beautiful home, created to my own tastes, that might have a chance at staying beautiful and can never be taken away by anyone else! That’s the only light in the dark tunnel of losing my home where all the memories are and where my baby had a happy and safe early childhood.
Can’t tell you how good it is to hear advice from those that have already trodden this savage and devastating path.

You’re married, so surely the house is a marital asset that you “bought as newly weds” Unless something was legally drawn up at that point?

Apologies, yes will go into the marital pot but not currently in my name and husband thinks it immoral for me to try to “take” it. My input doesn’t count in his mind! However this makes it harder in the interim and due to our remote location, with land, I suspect it will take ages to sell. To be clear the intention was always that it would be jointly owned, it just never happened and I paid for other family expenses but not mortgage. Quite a lot of equity tied up in it as mortgage cleared. I’m not sure where to start and suspect husband will not raise a plan or come up with anything.

Well done on taking the first step, many of us have been where you are now and lived to tell the tale. I would strongly recommend 'grey rock' with your ex. It is hard, but try not to engage with what he says. It matters not what he thinks any more - let him think and say whatever he likes. He will try to get a reaction from you in order to scare you, just let him witter on. Excellent that you have a solicitor.

I would try to stop talking about the impact on your daughter in such extreme terms..catastrophic loss, blow her would apart etc. She will adapt like millions do. Im not saying she wont be upset but divorce really isnt the end of her world. If you keep thinking like that it will encourage to waiver when you really need to be strong , calm and resolute.

Wishing you strength and patience as you get through the next stage. Pls try not to worry about your daughter - she will adapt and no doubt thrive like many kids in her position. You are teaching her that she doesn’t have to stay in a bad relationship which is an incredibly valuable lesson. I say that as the child of divorced parents.

This.
Tens of thousands of children have divorced parents. They cope. It is not the end of the world.

You’re writing in very romanticised language, you know you’re entitled to half of everything as the starting point, that your daughter will be fine, and that it’s been a few hours so can’t really expect your husband to be as far along as you.

so nurse your upset, get yourself and stuff in order, and be pragmatic,

He can think what he likes its irrelevant. If its bought after you married its a joint asset.
I kept my house because I owned it outright before we got married so he got nothing.
Its normal to feel this way. I felt sad even though I suffered domestic abuse. It took me a long time to settle and get on with my life.

Get legal advice and get what is rightfully yours. His opinions on what is acceptable on what you should get is not relevant.

He’s calm because he thinks you’ll give him “his” house. Watch that OP. He won’t remain calm when he’s trying to keep it for himself. Also, it doesn’t matter who pulled the final plug.