Living separately in same house long term -can it work?

[Wearedoomed]

Hi. We’re in the very early stages of separating (though I’ve been wrestling with the urge to do so for a few years now). Separation has been instigated by me and I feel incredibly guilty (no infidelity etc just death by a thousand cuts of the love and respect I once had for DH). Two kids involved, both ND with complex needs and I am FT carer. We both agree that I need to stay in the house with them for now (potentially for the next 3 or so years, but definitely for the next 18 months) which means DH won’t have access to his share of the equity yet, though there is money to cover the deposit for a rental, then he’d obviously pay rent from his wages. He is willing to move out, but I feel so guilty. This is his home, after all. However, at the moment, he’s on his best behaviour, so it’s easy to imagine being able to live separate lives under the same roof. Presumably, as he’s never managed to sustain the good behaviour throughout our marriage (think little/no emotional regulation, reacting angrily to every bump in the road (metaphorically)), once he’s adjusted to the new normal and relaxed, he’ll revert to type? Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to transition into being housemates? If so, any tips for making it work? Or am I just trying to avoid us all feeling the full impact of my decision to break up the family, and it would be better for everyone if the plaster was ripped off quickly?

If he's willing to move out, I don't quite understand the reasoning for him to stay? I think this is usually an approach taken by couples when they can't or won't move out. Better to have a clean break I think OP.

I have very recently separated and we're living under the same roof until I can get something suitable.

So far it's OK. We are trying to act like friends. Before we separated I had been acting like his mother, doing everything for him.

Absolutely not. What happens when one of you gets lucky?

The things that stopped him being a good partner are likely to stop him being a good housemate too. You'd still be living with someone who's always angry.

How do you envisage daily life? Would you be eating together as a family, trying to act like nothing has changed, or each trying to make your own meals and disagreeing about who stole whose potato?

And as someone else said, long term one or both of you may want to date/"get lucky"

Thanks. If I’m honest, I think I’m just trying to fool myself into believing that what I’m doing isn’t as massive as it is. I know you’re right -a clean break is healthier.

Yes, I can see what you’re saying. I suppose I’m thinking that he’d be less himself with me as a flat mate, than with me as a partner, but I’m probably kidding myself.

😂 the thought of getting lucky is so far from my mind that this made me laugh out loud. That said, I’d just have to hope that any getting lucky would involve people who weren’t similarly cohabiting with their ex!

We're currently in this situation. 6 months post separation, but currently staying in the house due to a ND child.
It's actually fine and we're getting on better than before. He is seeing someone else and we tend to stay out of each other's way.

I've done it for 6 years until our DS left for University
Partly because it came to a head during COVID and there was no option. DS had just started secondary and it was a pretty difficult time. Partly because DH was so difficult and passive he just wanted the easy option
Pluses are we manage to get on slightly better, are transitioning to divorce easier as we have separate lives mostly
It's meant DS didn't have to go and live with his grumpy af father every second week on his own. So for him it was better. We have found a way of existing as a different sort of family unit.
Minuses are it's a bit of a horrible lonely life that you just can't move on. But probably for DS it was better and divorce is more amicable.
I always think it could be way worse.

I’m glad it’s ok for you. Similar dynamic here re acting like his mother. I think I think like his mother too (in terms of feeling completely responsible for his happiness - or lack thereof), which is probably why I’m struggling with the idea of ‘forcing’ him to move out.

Try it and see?
if you are living separately - him doing his own washing, cooking, taking it in turns re childcare then maybe you can spend minimal time together and it will be easier

That’s good to hear. I take the doesn’t bring his new love interest home? Does your child know that you are separated?

Yes, you have said he is willing to move out and has options/ a plan. Do you feel worse about him moving out than he does?

Re other people, I have no interest either. He intends to move on quickly but will see them elsewhere. (If he can find anyone to take him!)

No ex does not bring her here and our child doesn't know we have split yet. We lived fairly separate lives anyway so nothing much has changed!
We have good days and bad days still, but it's like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. Many people don't understand how we manage, but my child's wellbeing trumps everything. I think people without ND children might not understand so much.
We plan to tell DC next summer then sell the house, so we do have a deadline as such, and that helps.

I came up with the ‘plan’ such as it is - ie, I stay here as the kids won’t cope with moving and I am the primary carer (and then some) and we use savings to put down a deposit on a rental - and he’s showing willing in the sense that he’s said he’ll look for somewhere. Whether it comes to anything remains to be seen. It’s only been a few days, but I’m fairly sure he hasn’t done anything about looking yet. I suspect it will be me that finds the place (for him) in the end. I don’t know who feels worse. For me, it’s guilt that I’m the one calling time on the relationship and fear about the kids being upset. He’s not really saying much.

I did, for slightly over a year and it was very hard, but my circumstances were very different. After 10 years together he came out an turns out he'd been meeting up with men he met online for sex. Its almost broken me, not the living together afterwards, but what he'd done. 2 kids, now 8 and 4 and its been much better for them, it was a very gradual transition which was the best for them.

I think it only worked for so long because the house we owned together was huge. enough space to avoid each other, and we are both reasonable people. I didnt want to bethe one to leave the kids, but I understood he didnt want to leave them either.

Coparenting is going ok so far, its been 6 months of living in my own home, the kids are with each of us 50/50, although I have ended up doing more of the life admin. Doctors visits, haircuts, optitions etc. That bothers me getting left to do the scut work, but I'm hoping the kids see how much I do for them as they grow

I did it for 12 months whilst looking for and buying a house, that was long enough. We took DD away last weekend together as part of a bigger group and I wanted to throttle him 24 hours in!! Don't know how I survived that year!

@IsThisLifeNow wow - I’m so sorry you went through that. I wonder how often the life admin falls to the woman post-divorce, even in 50/50 arrangements (or, for that matter, in heterosexual relationships in general). I hope you’re enjoying your own home.

I am very much enjoying it thanks! Its like my ex just doesn't notice the kids hair getting too long, and tbf and dentist reminders come to my phone number as that was always something I did before too. It just winds me up.

It sounds like you are by far the more proactive one. Some would say that he is in shock and still working through the emotions while you are moving on and getting the practicalities done, but I did all that too while dealing with the shock of his admission. Best of luck, you will come out of this ok in the end, and kids are much more resilient than you think too!

@Periperi2025 😂, good to get confirmation you made the right decision!