Feeling wobbly, applied yesterday - anyone else?

[Captivatingcapybara]

I applied for divorce yesterday and whilst I still think it is likely the best thing for happiness for all, the ramifications are huge. I am seriously wobbling about it. I know there is a cooling off period for this reason so nothing will happen imminently.

I am just wondering if anyone has been where I am and regretted it or not. Our relationship has broken down, that's the easy part to say. I know this. The atmosphere at home can be okay or terrible. Not good for anyone. But I will be landed with a huge mortgage which scares me witless. I cannot sell the house right now as have a DD with SEND and in GCSE territory (next DD will be GCSEs next year). The DD with SEND will be at home for longer and is already extending year 11 (EHCP, PIP highest rates etc). That is a lot in its own right, I have to stay here for now. In time I could sell but not in at least the next 5 years I would say.

I am rather panicking. Cannot talk through with husband as he will not communicate about any of this including what financial settlement we might go for. Am the highest earner but the one who manages all (common I know). I applied as a sole applicant as he will not do any of the admin.

I am massively wobbling today. It's also a difficult family anniversary today which does not help (a child) so I am extra all over the place. I feel like I have just upended everyone's lives as going forward what I can do for the DDs will be so different financially. I know that is not everything obviously (and I am not rolling in it now I promise!)

Wobbling is entirely understandable as it's a massive life change, as is fear about the future. It coinciding with a difficult anniversary will just make it even harder. Keep focus on why you have done it and chunk everything down into immediate and medium term tasks. That helps you feel more in control and not catastrophising about the worst case scenario for the future.

Have you got someone to talk to IRL? Or can you get some counselling help through your work EAP service? Someone to chat to will help you through this patch. You have a lot on your plate so make time for yourself as well.

Thanks @Gerwurtztraminer , I have one more session of counselling booked and have asked for some more via work. I appreciate it. It's been a lot!

Im feeling very wobbly too. Mutually decided to divorce after 30 years together and I felt great for the first few days but a week later I’m in huge fear and not handling feelings of him being with someone else. We are mid 50’s but men usually move on faster and I can’t bear another woman calling MY kids her stepkids. It’s been a terrible relationship for a long time but I’m really struggling so when I saw your post I thought I’d share back. How are you feeling today?

Have you taken legal
advice? Do you have in your mind what a fair legal settlement looks like? Have you in your head a proposal to make?

have you thought about the immediate next steps eg are you expecting him to move out? If so to where? Will he go ? ( you cannot force him)

you will need to talk to him, and perhaps mediation ( which you’ll have to do) might help you both think things through.

break it down into chunks - eg next week, next 6 months, long term and seek legal
advice if you haven’t already to help you think through proposals. As the higher earner ( even with send children) you likely have the bigger financial risk

Hello there,

Bless you. Such a hard decision but well done though. So good that you've had and are having some counselling. Build a support network around you if you can. Do also pm me if you want to chat/share/offload.

I am similar to yourself although not pressed the payment button yet! I completed the form last week, just need to bite the bullet now. I have no idea financially where I will be and also whilst it has huge ramifications it is ultimately for the best. I have DC also at a vulnerable stage of education which is difficult 💗

@zorazora , really sorry to hear that you are in the same boat and that you are having a rough time. That swing from relief to huge fear sounds rough. Do you have any support?

@millymollymoomoo , yes have spoken to a few solicitors and got info. I am not pushing anything now. I have some ideas about a settlement. I would prefer to discuss with him but he will not discuss! I am just taking a break from pushing it. Attempted discussions are what seem to cause him to get angry. He just cannot manage comms at all. I would have as meaningful a convo with a brick wall if anything challenging. That is ironically what has pushed me over the edge I think as there is no support (emotional or even to talk through stuff prior to all of this). Re moving out, I would hope to hang out until sorted so finances are in the best shape. I emailed him about all of this and said that but obv I cannot control what he does. I would not even attempt to force him out.

@Ashleyupnorth , wishing you well as you press or do not press the button, It is so hard. I am still just sad and doubting (but only really due to financial implications). Take care of yourself.

It is hard especially if they won’t engage.

hopefully he’ll start to realise that doing so is better than not doing so

Thank you lovely. Its such a big, life changing decision and not one to take lightly but neither is keeping the decision in 'limbo land' either. I guess when you know, you know. Keep coming back here for support and get support around you whether that be through friends..family...professionals. xx