DH seems intent on punishing me.

[ChasingRainbows8]

I have been going through a separation and we have lived in the same house for the past 9 months. I now have another property nearly ready to move into. However I can't seem to have any discussions with DH without feeling bullied and ending up in tears.

Backstory has been shared on here and it has taken some time to get here. He is very avoidant and I struggle with anxiety around him. The last year has left me on high dose Venlafaxine and in two types of therapy.

I triggered his past wounds and trauma by starting an affair when I was in cancer treatment. It was a very dark time. I completely accept that this caused him immense pain. I was in immense pain too.

I approached him to discuss logistics, finances etc but he didn't want to do this face to face, so I sent him a document for him to feedback on. He immediately brought this up in front of the children. Stating change the name on the car and that he will not be paying the tax. I said this was an area to discuss. He said no, I am having the car. I got upset and this was all in front of DC.

I have already agreed for him to stay in the house which is mortgage free. He cannot financially afford to give me my share but I agreed. He took me on a valentine's meal and relayed his plan to keep the house. I agreed while in a restaurant, in tears surrounded by couples and heart balloons.

I just don't know how to talk about things. He says I'm too emotional and all I talk about is feelings. My mental health is rock bottom, so of course I am emotional. He said I have done all this to myself. I just need help as to how I approach this moving forward.

Why on earth have you agreed to let him remain in your mortgage free property? Are you married and have you sought legal advice. Please do so and let negotiations be done via them. Sounds like you're being bullied and potentially lose what you're entitled to 💐

You need to get advice from a solicitor. You shouldn’t be giving him a house out of guilt. Yes you had an affair, but that has no impact on your financial split.

he’s right that you need to take the emotion out of it. He’s wholly wrong that you need to give him everything. Be smart and do this right for yourself and your children

Move out. get distance. then communicate via solicitors.
Dont go out for valentine dinners !

Please please see a solicitor. I speak from experience of feeling ruthless for ending my marriage. I agreed to things out of guilt, to try to compensate for the hurt I caused my ex. However, years later I look back and realise there were two people involved in the breakdown of that marriage. I spent years feeling guilty, but I left myself financially vulnerable and it has taken a long time to recover. Meanwhile my ex has gone on to reap huge benefits re earning potential, keeping his entire pension, mortgage free for many years.
Do not allow guilt to overwhelm practical choices you need to make.
A good solicitor will be able to advise on a reasonable fair split of assets. You don’t need to try to take the guy to the cleaners!!
This may also help your husband deal with things better, rather than trying to have fave to face discussions. Emotionally avoidant people are brutal to communicate with.

OP - this is insane. You are clearly not in a state of mind to negotiate financial aspects of divorce.

Leaving him the house? Unless you forgot to mention that you have assets that would allow you to have your own house too?

Look - various arrangements are possible, of course to make divorce less disruptive for the kids. And if it is for one of the spouses to stay in the family home until kids are 18 - sure: But it needs to be done via consent decree, so sale can be enforced later on.

I do try to take the emotion out. I try to approach it at times when we are alone and he stonewalls. Then brings it up at a time when I can't handle it like in front of the children or with the house it was before we agreed to separate on Valentine's day and also the last day ofy cancer treatment.

Honestly I just wanted stability for the DC and I know the more I push the harder it will be to co-parent.

I have said this to him, that I don't feel well and that I can't think straight. He just feels that I have done it to myself and keep what you sow basically.

I don't have the fight in me right now.

Stop being a wet lettuce and get some legal advice. Get that house sold and youreself sorted. If the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t be gifting you a mortgage free house- he’d be taking you to the cleaners. Seriously, if ever there was a big girl pants time, it’s now.

I agree with other pp that you need a solicitor to outline a fair split of assets. All you need to say is that it obviously isn’t working discussing it between yourselves and that you’ve taken on board that he finds you too emotional so your solicitor will deal with it from now on. It’s a sensible choice and should get this horrid bit over with less upset.

A good co parenting relationship is on him just as much as on you. You should both want that. That’s the only way it is ever achieved.
In this scenario you should be fighting for what you are entitled to, so you can provide a safe and secure life for your children and their mother (you!). You have the rest of your life ahead and need to be as secure as possible, that is in the DCs interest. He will be fine - men always are. Look after yourself and stop thinking of his best interest beyond what is absolutely necessary. Engage a good divorce solicitor and leave it to them to negotiate for your best interest.

I appreciate you are unwell and overwhelmed. This is precisely why you need to engage a solicitor. You need to step back and let them deal with the divorce for you so it’s fair and equitable on both sides. He won’t like that as he’s taking to take you for everything but you need to do this right for future you. Please, please see a solicitor.

OP - if you initiated the divorce, then he is not wrong by saying that you started it all.
I sympathise with you, and him really - you both are clearly not in good places.

However - you seem to be approaching it all in a way to make it all more difficult to both of you.
You need to stop trying to ‘talk’ to him in the way you are doing - as it is clearly not productive.

Go to solicitor. Write up a proposal - let solicitor contact him. File for actual divorce, in case you have not. Apply and set a court date, so that there is a deadline to force resolution. It will be many months in the future - so plenty of time to sort out an agreement and cancel.

Divorce is hard. Don’t make it harder on yourself.

I don't own any other property out right but have a share of my grandma's house, which is what I am moving into. This will need to be sold at some point in the future to allow my siblings to have their share.

Thank you for your reply. I will look to seek some legal advice.

Have you actually started the divorce, filled in the forms online?
Stay in your house until the divorce sorts all asset divisions. Your new house is currently a marital asset. (Edit- cross posted about the house)

Give up on trying to talk to him, get a co parenting app and a solicitor to deal with him.
Take emotion out of it and realise it's done, there's no more earnest chats or resolution.

I really wanted to be in the other house before starting the divorce. Not sure if it's my fight or flight instinct but I just want to get out of there.

FFS go and see a divorce lawyer.

Your ex is being really good at fleecing you. Refusing to be an adult and ensuring that he brings up stuff in front of the children when it's totally inappropriate, is utterly manipulative. It doesn't matter if this is your fault, by punishing you he's punishing your children and you have been through too much to fight, I get that, but you need someone else to fight for you and your children. Remember that in 5 years time he may well be with someone else with two new children and if you haven't ensured the security of your own, you may regret giving up what you are entitled to.

See a lawyer as soon as you can and refuse to discuss anything more with him except at mediation and then via solicitors.

Stop letting him manipulate you, you need to concentrate on keeping well and looking to the future. Good luck.

Yes exactly this. You feel
guilty and he is using this to fleece you! Stop this now OP, see a solicitor.

This. Do not let him do this to you!!!

You need to get angry - it'll help you stop just giving in. This sorry excuse for a man failed you so badly while you were in cancer treatment - thats unforgivable, find your angry and a shit hot lawyer.

Exactly. Please, please see a lawyer and do not just give in to his demands because of guilt or feeling fragile. You have your future and that of your children to consider. Would he just be gifting you the house if things were reversed? I’m guessing that’s a big, fat no. He’s taking advantage of your weakened mental and physical state op. Don’t let him.

You urgently need a solicitor. Instruct them to act on your behalf.

Start fighting for yourself. Of course he can house himself with half the money from
a mortgage free house. But you are planning on housing yourself for life in a house which you only own a portion of and will eventually have to sell? Stop talking to him and do everything through a solicitor. He knows your weak spots and is manipulating you into agreeing to everything. Who do you think the kids will end up living with if he’s sitting pretty in the mortgage free family home whilst you’re turfed out of yours because you need to give the siblings their share? Fight for your kids if not for yourself.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I kind of expected some harsh reactions to my behaviour. I am struggling to separate that from the difficulties I had with the relationship beforehand because it sounds like excuses. I will have to toughen up and get through this with legal help.