The new girlfriend - feelings

[michaelmcdonaldsbeard]

I am divorced since July, separated since 2024. A 30 year relationship ended with revelations of his affairs, lies, manipulation. We have 2 DC 18 and 16 who live with me full time, they see him every now and again.

He is keen for them to meet the wonderful woman who he has lied to swept off her feet. I leave them all to it mostly, but since hearing about the relationship, I am struggling with enormous resentment. I am generally always knackered keeping the ship here afloat, am self employed and haemorrhaging cash. I wouldn't even know where to start developing a new relationship, where to find the time or any inclination or a few spare quid for a dinner out.

Yet there he is, seemingly a catch for someone despite everything, building a shiny new life with zero responsibilities.

I am not jealous or heartbroken (good luck to her) just so flipping tired and wondering when it gets any flipping easier! Thanks for allowing me to rant.

I feel your pain. It’s so hard when you see someone so undeserving of happiness find it when you’re struggling.

i know it doesn’t help at the moment, but your kids love you and know you’re their safe space, and that will absolutely help in the long run. My kids now see my ex for what he was and understand why we got divorced without me having to say a word about it!

I was also self employed the entire time they were growing up so I had the flexibility to work around them. It meant money was tight but my family didn’t go without anything important. And we’re now closer than ever as they start to build their own families. Please don’t give up hope that you’ll find your own happiness whether a new relationship or fulfilling life in other ways.

Ah thank you @SnowflakeSmasher86. I would love to find new friends and connections but I am always so tired - plus it feels like another thing to do on the list. Sometimes I can see that my relationship with my kids is something he will struggle to ever build again, but other times I would love a week to myself with nobody asking me for anything! I feel like I can't get my head above water with the mental load, and he (as he was throughout marriage to my shame) is untroubled by any of it.

@michaelmcdonaldsbeard we must be twins. Do your friends etc assume you are having a great time though? Mine seemed incredibly confused why I have no money!

@DecisionTime123 If I'm honest I put on the 'being single is grreeeaaaattt' act a lot! And overall, I'm probably more relaxed and me now than I ever was in a couple. But also tired and broke! Certainly not anywhere near having the time or energy for dating.

Hi, I was in a similar position, my kids are now a bit older 19 and 21 and it has got a bit easier. The new ‘love’ he has found will fall short because of who he is. The love you share with your children is completely authentic and unconditional. They see what you do for them and all that love in action. I have tried dating but it’s such an effort and additional demands tip me over the edge. Money is always a juggle but we survive. I hope things get easier for you.

Thank you @Superhumanfemale (great name, very apt I'm sure!). It was my eldest's 19th today and we had a very lovely day together. I made the usual effort to buy him things he likes or has mentioned (and hid them round the house!), his favourite breakfast and takeaway, cake, etc. His dad sat in a car with him for 10 minutes, gave him some beer and a toiletries set (that won't be used) and drove off. So yes, you're right, what I have is so much more.

I really feel for you michaelmcdonaldsbeard

None of it is fair and so many men do this.

But play the long game. Your dc will come to realise eventually who was there for them practically, emotionally and financially when it counted. It’s the being there that counts the most.

A friend of mine found out her dh was cheating after a 24 year old relationship. It turned out he had done it before as well several times. Her ex also went off and set up home with his new gf when his children were in their early teens.

Roll on fifteen years, and it’s the wedding of one of the dc. The ex turns up and sits all alone in the church as his new relationship had failed after five years. Since then he had had a series of relationships with gfs which never lasted.

The bride, his dd, and her sibling barely speak to their father, not out of anger, but because they hardly know him any more.

My friend walked her dd up the aisle as that is what her dd wanted.

And my friend was, and looked, spectacularly happy and proud, and was surrounded by loving family and good friends.

She told me afterwards that even though being a single parent was beyond tough, she didn’t regret a minute of it at that moment, and she almost felt sorry for her ex and all he had missed out on and how he had screwed his own life up and distanced himself from his dc.

He had basically hurled a grenade in to their family life, blew it up, and she was left to put the pieces back together, which she did admirably well.

Op I understand the financial burden of raising teens alone. Teens are expensive. And that is why you work hard. I also understand the fatigue of the mental load but now your dc are older, are you sure they are doing enough for themselves?

Now they are both over sixteen, have you changed your parenting so that they take more responsibility for themselves eg doing their own laundry, cooking and cleaning. Do you send them to do the supermarket shop? You will be doing them a favour if so because they have to learn this stuff. Do they empty the dw, and the bins, and make the beds, clean the loos and shower? Hoover? Clean the windows? Do repairs?

Is your ex giving enough financial support?

I understand you are exhausted but you must make some time for yourself to do one thing that you enjoy each week. Just two or three hours once a week that is time for you to relax and enjoy and where you can decompress. Something that you look forward to. If you don’t do this for yourself then no one else will.

And if you do this, you will be a great role model for your teens on how to take care of themselves and prioritise their own self care sometimes and that’s a good lesson for them to learn. 💐

What a lovely message @Fairweathersorties9 thank you for taking the time. I don't give the DC nearly enough to do, that's always my plan but I end up doing it myself. Some of it is a need to be in control after such chaos. Some because they are ND, some because I feel bad for them. But it doesnt do me any favours. I am getting better at stepping back and letting them make own decisions and facing consequences when they aren't the right ones. Just can't seen to let go of the running of the house - I'm my own worst enemy!

I can understand you feeling resentful. But the truth is you have something for your future he doesn’t have- a close relationship with your children which is more valuable than any girl/boyfiend. Just because you don’t have the time/inclination for a relationship now, doesn’t mean when the time is right you won’t. Something tells me in the future you’ll have a lot more in your life than he will.

Ime it's the parent who does The Donkey Work when they are younger who reap the rewards of the adult dc
I bet your relationship now and in the future are a testament of your parenting op .
Them seeing your ex will be nothing more than a box ticking chore..

So she has either asked him if he cheated on his ex and accepted a guy who cheated on his wife. Or he has lied to her (deliberately or by omission). Neither sounds like the starts of a great relationship.

Would you date a dude who cheated on the mother of his kids? Or would you dump him the minute he tried to justify it. I’d prefer to spend my evenings on my own. No dude is so sexy or scintillating that I’d overlook him being a cheat.

So every time I saw them I’d be thinking is she someone who thinks it’s worth dating a cheat? Or has he lied? Least while he is is occupied he’s not tempted to wheedle his way back into your life.

Look after yourself op. Live each day be your values and note three good points about each day. He’s likely building a life on sand or possibly has a girlfriend who is daft enough to date a man who cheats on his wife and throws a grenade into his family. Grim.

As for him being a catch. I’d be more worried about what she might catch. Syphillis if he’s not changed his ways.

Thanks everyone, you're so right about his new relationship. The good news is I barely thought about it the last few days, and if I do it is generally with a feeling of ick! My relationship with DC is changing and for the better where we talk more and spend more time together (one boy, one girl so hasn't always been that way). Eventually I will get a bit of spark back and start to face outwards again, I'm sure of that.

@FairyMaclary In his version of the story, he is the real victim, so I can only imagine the spinning of the tale. He is excellent at keeping a lie going as long as it is needed (decades in my experience). But it really makes me wonder what kind of woman would look at even the surface level stuff and believe him. He blames me for the fact that the kids can't be arsed, for example, that I am so bitter and angry I am somehow to blame for that. But still, that to me is a red flag seen from space!

You don’t really want a relationship though do you? Men get with someone because they don’t know how to be alone in any way, they’ve literally never looked after themself! And he has more time because he isn’t being the ‘kids’’ (I know they’re older but still!) saviour. You’re killing it op. Hope the money starts moving in the right direction for you

No @Autumnalhibernationisthedream, I love my peace and I am enjoying living your username!. If I ever date that would be the goal, just dating. I am enjoying the potential of finding out who I actually am after all this time

Get a sexy lodger 😉 pay the bills and have some fun!

He will certainly have his tale of woe. How he is the hero who did everything he could and you were the evil ex who didn’t understand how scintillating and smart he was. He was a victim of misunderstanding, lack of sex, marrying too young, you not having time for him, the kids took your attention etc etc.

Except they all say that and I’d escape via the loo window rather than listen to such blatant bullshit over a pint. Surely most women are wise to this nonsense?

In my opinion the best he could say is something along the lines of ‘I cheated, it was wrong, I’ve had counselling and I acted outside my own stated values. I wouldn’t cheat again for me as it no longer fits with who I am. Had I worked on my marriage it could have been better. I accept my part and we should have gone to counselling early on’.

But as a grown woman, financially independent, happy with her life, who wouldn’t break her word (wedding vows) for ME, I’d be wrapping up the date immediately. Too many ex cheaty husbands out there. Ten a penny. And no cheaty guy is sexy or scintillating enough to waste time that I could spend with my kids, family, nan, or my neighbours pet rats.

In my opinion he is low quality and by cheating in his marriage he reduced who will date him going foward or he will forever have to remain a liar building crap relationships on sand. It’s yet another reason not to cheat on your spouse when middle aged - it reduces your future choices at building a decent relationship, in an already reduced dating pool. If your marriage sucks, divorce but don’t cheat if you want to maximise your choice of partner going forward. He now has to lie or accept a woman who is happy to date a man who cheated and lied to his wife.

I doubt his ‘relationship’ is one you would ever want. It’s likely more lies about who he is to get sex and his dinner made.

I have younger ND children and really recognise this struggle with handing over tasks but it’s probably one of the best things you can do for yourself and them. They will likely surprise you with how they step up if you trust them with it.

Could you sit down and discuss a shared tasks list eg cooking, laundry?