Divorce and separation following domestic abuse – should I involve the police after two years, and could it affect my divorce?

[Malelookingforadvice]

Hi Everyone. I am really looking for female and male perspectives on the below and in reality what I should do next, Persue something or just get on with my now much improved life.

I separated from my wife close to three years ago after a long marriage involving physical violence, emotional abuse, intimidation and coercive and controlling behaviour. I was repeatedly hit and slapped, sometimes in front of our children, and subjected to threats, verbal abuse and prolonged confrontations.

To everyone else, she appeared kind, gentle and caring. During marriage counselling, the counsellor advised me in one of my individual sessions to record our interactions because her public persona was so different from what I was experiencing at home, and I feared nobody would believe me. I have recordings of threats, admissions of physical aggression and abusive confrontations.

When I left, both our children chose to come and live with me. They have lived with me full-time ever since. They are adults now and will soon be moving on with their own lives. Unfortunately, their mother continues to make damaging allegations about me to them, and I try not to retaliate or involve them in what happened.

They were old enough to see for themselves so I tend to just rise above it

Despite being the one who experienced the abuse, I was effectively excluded from our family home. Three years later, I am still paying for it alongside my own accommodation.
During our absence, the property has been neglected to the point that I believe its value has been materially reduced.

I am perusing divorcing her, this process and the financial settlement are still ongoing, and I feel she is deliberately slowing the process down, leaving me financially tied to a house I cannot live in.

The harassment has continued since separation. I have received over 10,000 text messages, including 28 days with more than 100 messages, 11 days exceeding 200, and a peak of approximately 690 messages in a single day.

I eventually blocked her on everything, including WhatsApp, telephone calls and social media. However, she can still leave voicemails, for me which I think is very strange and I now have hundreds of them.

She has also attempted contact through professional channels like linkedin or creating new email accounts and using them to message me
I cannot change my number because it is my long-established business number used by clients.

I have retained the messages, recordings and voicemails as evidence.

I keep seeing historical domestic abuse cases in the news and wondering why I have simply accepted what happened without reporting it.
Some of the cases seem less severe than what I experienced I can’t go into exact details as that would identify me if her or her family came across this, yet I have never involved the police.

Part of me feels that by remaining silent, I have allowed her to escape accountability. But more concerning she will do this to someone else.
My main concern now is whether involving the police or applying for a non-molestation order could complicate an already difficult divorce and financial settlement.

Would the police take a report seriously after two years, particularly from a male victim, or would they dismiss it as part of an acrimonious divorce?

Could reporting the historical abuse and ongoing harassment delay the financial proceedings, create additional legal costs or somehow be used against me?

Would a non-molestation order be a more sensible route to stop the unwanted voicemails and indirect contact? And would that have any bearing on the divorce or financial settlement?

I don’t want revenge, but I do want accountability and an end to the harassment. Equally, I don’t want to give her another opportunity to prolong proceedings when I am already financially supporting a property I have been excluded from for three years.

Has anyone been through a divorce involving domestic abuse and subsequently involved the police? Did it help, and what impact, if any, did it have on the divorce and financial settlement?
I’m genuinely torn between pursuing accountability for what happened and simply trying to get the divorce concluded so I can finally move on.

thanks for any advice and guidance

No good asking us you will get 10.000 different answers most of them rubbish. Go and see a solicitor specialising in family law and separate the wheat from the chaff.
A lot of people claim domestic violence during a bitter divorce. She might do that too in retaliation.
You need to know what a court considers relevant and what they will dismiss and you wont find it on here.
A lot of my own experience of DV was dismissed by the court as not having any evidence. Its likely as children have gone they will only be interested in dividing assets nothing else.

She sounds unhinged. I think you have more than enough evidence of stalking behaviour. That is bad enough, I would certainly think the police will take you seriously on that count alone. Even without all the evidence you have of abuse.

There are two things to consider: the divorce settlement and the ongoing abuse and harassment.

Is the divorce ongoing and acrimonious?
Raising the issue of DA is unlikely to change a divorce settlement which is broadly fair. It may affect who will work with you: many mediators will not work with a couple where there is abuse. But if you believe you are being coercively controlled or there is financial abuse then disclosing this will enable you to access support to manage this.

The other issue is the ongoing messaging and contact. This is absolutely harassment and you will be able to get support if you report this, including him being prevented from contacting you.

In your position i would report the messaging and ongoing harassment. Whether I would do that right away o after the divorce was through would depend on the circumstances of the divorce, whether its currently fair and whether reporting at this stage is likely to make divorce proceedings more hostile and difficult.