Im hoping for some thoughts on separating from my DP, with whom I share 2 children (5 and 3). DP and I have been together for 8 years and were madly in love in the beginning stages although quite early on in the relationship some warning signs with explosive arguments and name calling (from him).
Fast forward 8 years, we are now in a place where I would describe us as room mates as best. He is INCREDIBLY messy, to the point it drives me round the bend and he makes no attempt to clean up after himself or do any house work apart from occasionally wiping the kitchen sides. He leaves all his washing on the floor by his side of the bed and constantly plates, cups, bits of scrap paper / rubbish etc from his pockets strewn everywhere. He leaves his urine unflushed in the toilet and often neglects to clean the toilet after a poo. If I ask him to help with something like cleaning the bathroom he says he doesn't have time. He works full time (from home) and i work 30 hours as a nurse - we split everything down the middle financially. I manage all the house admin, bills, car, childrens activities, school related admin, parties, presents for family etc, laundry, cleaning, meal planning. I am starting to resent him for this and no matter how I try to communicate with him that the load is not balanced he turns it around on me and states I dont do anything.
Our sex life is non existent. I actively do not want to have sex with him and if I am honest have not done so for many years. It feels like yet another job I have to do. When we have had sex it has been very brief and focused only on his needs- once he has orgasmed (in 3 minutes) its over. I feel like he is using me to masturbate and doesn't care about my pleasure. We have no date nights, no displays of affection, no other intimacy.
I have been day dreaming about leaving for a long time but am fearful to do so as I do not want to upset my children and desperately wanted to give them a 'family unit' after growing up with divorced parents myself. We have a nice 4 bed house and I could not afford to provide the lifestyle the children currently enjoy on my salary alone. I also cannot bear the thought of only having my children 50% of the time - he has made it clear he would want minimum 50% custody if we split. I co sleep with the children and they come to me as default when upset so I cant imagine not being there for them. I am utterly miserable in this relationship and find myself actively repulsed by him which feels terrible. Historically, there has been name calling from him to me which has been quite nasty and on one occasion pushed past me and through a laundry basket at me. There have been some concerns about controlling behaviour raised by my family.
I just honestly dont know what to do, or how to do it. I feel like by leaving him i am prioritising my happiness over my childrens right to a stable home life. But it makes me want to weep to think of another 15 years of this relationship before I can leave when my youngest is 18
Any advice or words of wisdom much appreciated