50/50 getting harder as kids get older

[Pdq2026]

I have had 50/50 for many years but it feels like it’s getting harder as kids get older. He acts like a Disney dad but has them half of their life and I am increasingly feeling like the mean mother for trying to impose a little bit of structure and limitation. I do feel for the kids as I understand having 2 very different homes must be hard but I feel like I would have to lower myself to his standards. Asking him to be more responsible etc is literally playing in to his hands. He seems to come up smelling of roses with other parents (mothers mainly tbh) just for having them.

this is just a vent really but if anyone has any words of wisdom they would be appreciated?

What do you mean by 'structure and limitations'?

things like screen time, bed time, spending/buying ‘stuff’, food choices.

Are the DC doing well generally? No concerns from school, broadly good eating habits, hobbies and interests outside of screens? Do you co-parent broadly well on the big stuff? If so then just hold firm with “well, this isn’t dad’s house” when setting screen time and bedtimes and serving up vegetables. They’ll push boundaries with you because they feel secure; children, particularly tweens and teens will always push boundaries, and at some level you’d have the same disagreements if you were still together but had different parenting styles and opinions on these things - you have more peace and control in the fact that you don’t have to constantly negotiate and compromise with him. It’s also not uncommon for children with parents living apart to play each parent off against the other by exaggerating some of the things that go on at the other’s house.

Other people thinking your ex is brilliant is by the by. The people important to you are the people who matter. Most of those who think he’s doing an amazing job just by being an involved parent are speaking from a place of not having that in their own partnership or co-parenting relationship - which is more of a reflection of that than it is of you or your ex. The DC will recognise everything you do for them, even if it doesn’t always feel like it right now - you’re raising children who feel safe and secure and able to act out, and frustrating as their behaviour probably is sometimes, that’s a real positive.

Up and down. Nothing terrible but I think both would benefit from stability. DD in particular lacks motivation to do anything other than be on her phone. DS can be quick to anger and use the two homes to try and get a rise. I feel like everything is a negotiation. I don’t think I’m massively strict but I feel I don’t have as much leeway.

I have recently divorced and have kids late teens/early 20s who recently flew the nest. I have been the one always having to be bad cop during their childhoods and when the kids were younger it did cause a bit of friction as it frustrated me that my ex could always play cool dad. He never backed me up and he would do anything to keep in their favour so there was no consistency. As a result there was a period they thought I was too strict.

The thing i realised is they grow to lose respect for cool dad and really respect that you gave them sensible boundaries as they get older. Both of my kids think of my ex as a man child now and they will always come to me in times of crisis. They want to spend time with me and value my opinion as I am not just a yes-man. They struggle to spend time with him now and find him tragic.

So hold your nerve and keep giving them healthy boundaries they will love you for it in the end.