Boundaries for ex after split when retaining the family home

[Lovinglife0872]

Morning everyone. My husband moved out a few months ago. I am staying in the family home with our teenagers. He is living elsewhere. I am financially responsible for the house 100%. The divorce will be finalised in the new year.
On the whole things are going great and there has been minimal disruption for the kids. We are trying to keep alot of things the same until they are older. So birthdays, Christmas will still be events we all do together at home rather than splitting kids between households etc.
But one thing im finding very difficult is he has a lot of comments on what im doing in the house , what im spending money on, things ive bought , changes ive made to the garden etc. I dont like it. He obviously still feels a big connection to the home and legally still co owns it until next year, but he isnt paying anything towards the mortgage or bills.
Due to his current living situation he comes to see the kids here. But im struggling with it. I feel my privacy is being invaded , and hes still trying to find ways to control me.
Just little things like moaning I haven't cared properly for a plant in the garden he loved and it died during the heatwave. But I interpret everything as a personal attack and it triggers me.
The solution to this is to move house for a fresh start to a house he has no connection to. I will do this in the future but cant for a good few years yet, too costly , we love this house and its location, kids dont want to move.
Has anyone else got this set up where the ex comes to visit the kids at the house? What's the best way to manage it?

If you are ok with him continuing to use the house for visits, it's time to use the grey rock method.
Just slap a professional smile on your face and have a few stock phrases to hand.
1.Oh do you think so? Doesn't bother us.

1. Yes it must be strange for you.
2. Well, we like it.
3. Sorry you think so.
4. (This from another long running thread with a controlling ex) Well. There We Are Then. (Handy acronym this one)

Then change the subject immediately. And/or leave the room.

let him in as little as possible. can he take the kids out for a milkshake or a pizza or whatever instead?

agree with things it does no harm to agree with for ease of the relationship until the house is signed over (a means to an end). for example “yes im gutted the plants died in the heatwave, so disappointing”

dont change anything. i know you want to but he can still pull out of the house deal so unril it’s signed and sealed hang fire.

another reason for that is because dads can think mums are getting too much maintenance if new things appear and cut your money in the mistaken belief you're rolling in it. twisted i know. but it happens.

i know it’s shit but i’d not rock the boat until the house is yours and the finances situation also signed and sealed. then i’d go mental doing whatever the hell i wanted.

He is legally responsible for all bills his name is on,so why isn't he paying? If he expects a share of the house proceeds he needs to pay. My ex left two years before the sale went through but he was required to pay the mortgage during that time. I changed the locks so he had to ring the bell to gain access but it was as much his place as mine until the comp,ettion day

He shouldn’t be using the house for visits - he is living elsewhere and unless that a shared house then the children can visit him there. They are older so he can take them out if the place is too small to have them overnight. That’s the first and only boundary you need.

I dont mind him seeing the kids here as thats what they want aswell as less upheaval, all their stuff is here etc.
I just want him to stop with the comments about things. He was very controlling when we were together. He wouldnt admit it but he was. He controlled the money, everything to do with the house and kids purchase wise.
But he wasnt controlling at all about what we did or where we went. He was the opposite with that, he was uninvolved.

I now feel very free so when he makes a simple comment I get very triggered and snap at him or argue. I dont ever want to feel controlled again. Im doing this until the lids are 18. Once they are adults things will need to change.

@Doggymummar that is factually inaccurate

are you buying out his share? We he herbs recitals house once this goes through so he needs to come over less?

fir now just smile sweetly and ignore his comments

I think you need to take a step back and maybe consider things from his pov. You have the benefit of living in the family home, so of course you need to fund that cost. He on the other hand is in something small in which he can’t have a family life because all his capital is tied up in the house. Which I assume you don’t want to move out of.

The house isn’t yours, it is a joint asset. You are covering the running costs because you are living there. But it doesn’t give you the right to make changes without his consent or agreement.

You want boundaries and independence whilst living and taking advantage of his capital. If that doesn’t work for you then sell up and go your separate ways. In the meantime you are both making sacrifices to maintain an arrangement which has benefits for you.

Yes im buying him out. He will recieve his share shortly and will be very well off. Hes chosen to get a small place and even when he has the money he isnt going to buy a bigger place. He specifically wants everything to continue to happen in this house indefinitely

The thing is hes pressing your buttons and getting the reaction he wants
An emotional/ triggered response = he feels in control of you
Stop your emotional / triggered response and have sone deapan phrases to hand
"Ok " is the best/ easiest one, it gives him nothing and goes nowhere
Reduce/ stop all contact at the house citing your privacy

He wants to keep seeing the children at your house indefinitely??! Even though they are teenagers & he’ll have enough to buy his own place??

Fuck that shit!

He needs to start having the kids at his own place, it’s his responsibility to buy somewhere suitable for them. Not get a tiny place so he has loads of cash and then uses your house!!

If you want to celebrate birthdays together, that’s fine - but you book a restaurant & go out.

He’s really done a number on you.

He most definitely has done a number. Boundaries badly need to be re-drawn

That's a mistake.

His visits need to happen in his home, not yours. He needs to have enough room for his kids to stay on his custody time. It's not good to open your home to him. You're divorcing, he's out, and it's going to be a control issue. Cut off his access to your home when his name comes off. That's it.

Well I think once the divorce and settlement is done you simply need to say no.

he wants the kids then it’s out of your house. If they don’t want to go as he hasn’t got anywhere then he needs to sort it or not see them. Simple

In two of your posts you state you want things to be the same for the children and for events to be in what is now the family home. You also agreed that he could / should see the children there. There is an implication this is something you want and that it is part of your agreement. How long do you want it to go on for? Because as long as you continue with it, boundaries will be blurred.

At the moment he jointly owns the property, so he will take an interest. That’s legitimate until the divorce is finalised and you give him his capital he can comment on the property. Of course he is nitpicking. If he is unreasonable then he won’t listen to reason. Which is why you need good boundaries, not blurred half way measures.

If you want to put in place boundaries, it will need to start with the children’s expectations. They need to accept they see their father at his property or elsewhere until he gets it. You will also need to let him know what you have decided and how it impacts on him. This may mean they do overnights with him. The idea you do celebrations in your home only won’t be tenable, it never is.

It’s best to be open about it now so any issues that impact the divorce agreement are aired.

Almost every poster on here would have advised against this arrangement from the minute he moved out. It always ends up in the place you are now. It will get worse once new partners are in the picture.

There is a good chance that once you articulate new boundaries that his position on coparenting and finances could change. It might not but prepared for it. You should still do it.

You need to start ignoring his comments. Just nod and make some sort of that's nice noise and walk away. And once he's been bought out the locks would be changed and he wouldn't be setting foot through the front door.

Once you buy him out, change the locks and tell him he'll need to see the DC elsewhere. But don't have that conversation till after the event, unless you know he won't be difficult about it.
Until then, try to minimise him coming to the house, be out / not available to chat when he does come, and like another poster said, don't make any changes that look like they are costing money until after you've completed the buy out.
Hopefully he isn't just turning up when he feels. like it and letting himself in?