4 months into split, best decision but I have no support. How do I stop myself from declining?

[Newstartbutscared84]

Hi everyone. I am so so happy to be divorcing. Been together a long time, but had a terrible past 5 years. I was so scared to do it and it took me a long time to be brave enough but I finally told him in may and he moved out in June.
We have 2 teenagers and they are with me 100% of the time. He does pay me for their care. They only see him for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon which we are happy with. Everything else falls to me including the mental load. I dont want to go into it on here but there's a reason for that and it will stay like that permanently.
We now get on very well and are friends, but he isnt involved in the day to day family strifes or the running of the house and I suddenly feel very, very alone.
I wanted to ve alone, craved it. But I have no emotional support for me and im going through a tough time with my teenage son who is struggling massively in school and keeps getting suspended. Again happened yesterday, I ended up breaking down on the phone to the teacher, cried all night and now feel poorly this morning because of it. I just want a cuddle from someone.
My parents are around but are nearly 80. Dad has cancer and mum is very anxious and worries. I havent told her my recent problems as I dont want to burden her.
I have no siblings. I have a couple of friends but dont feel I can talk to them and dont want to feel judged or son to feel judged.
Our home and garden is a decent size which I struggle to maintain. I had to give up work this year due to back/leg problems , a heart condition caused by stress and cfs. Its very difficult for me to run this home but im stuck here until kids are 18. Im paying tradesmen/gardener to help now and then but they are costly which I can't afford.
Last night I sat and felt so lost. Who would take me on with my disabilities and family problems? Noone. I feel very very alone and need boosting back up somehow as im usually a strong person mentally. Its my birthday next week which will be spent alone which is also making me sad .

You’ve been so brave to get here and now that the immediate situation has calmed down, it’s only natural that you are having a moment of fear. But the bravery that got you here can help see this chapter through as well.

Regarding your son, he has also suffered I’m sure with the turmoil and possible strife before the divorce. Is counselling available at his school? Ask the support people for help and don’t worry about seeming to criticise your son.

The support one is hard. The reality is that unless you have a partner, many people get support from different people such as a neighbour for casual chats, a friend for exercise etc. It sounds like your “village” has been depleted but could be rebuilt with effort.

Wishing you well OP..

I've come out the other side, raising teens alone, with my ds now at uni.

First thing is talk to your friends. You need some support in RL. They are probably waiting for you to ask, but don't want to intrude. There is no shame in getting divorced, it is the bravest and most sensible action in most cases.

Secondly, talk to your son. Explain that the situation is stressful for everyone and that you are all having to adjust, but that things will settle down. Perhaps ask for his help too. Give him something that is his chore, his responsibility. Make him feel needed. Show him you value and trust him.

Also is the job situation permanent or do you think you could start to transition back part time? Work can be a brilliant distraction.

You need a therapist or to talk to your friends.

You dont work your children are in school 6 hrs plus per day - go into the garden and do gentle work or just sit their nature is great....
I think volunteering or PT work might help....
Also council gyms or pure gym are cheap (like £30 pm)

I would be distancing myself and limiting comms with your ex it wont be helping you imo.

Calms are active in school and you can access MH support for your son via them.

It’s a long game, recovering from a divorce with that it entails. Give yourself a couple of years to heal - be kind and gentle on yourself and allow ‘muddling along’ to be good enough if that’s what you can manage. Prioritise the things which are important - the dc and their mental health, you getting enough rest and looking after your health - and face the other stuff like the garden and the dusty skirting boards when you can.

Thank you for your kind messages. I will do all suggested. I think your right, its now hitting me I suppose. Id also got it into my head that once split my new life would be amazing. Which of course isnt real life. But now the stress with my son has replaced the stress of my husband. I have to keep telling myself if husband was here now things would be so much worse. This is just a blip.
And seeing as son is now off school for 5 days I will be giving him lots of chores to do next week!!

Is it possible to join a club or group to get you your own interest or support?
How about looking at converting the garden to a low maintance and can the teens not help out with this.
I thonk once you become used to shifting your emotional support from ex oartber to friends, family and knowing you are better off for it, of course you are good friends hes on better terms not being in your life 24/7.
Remember it is a temporary feeling...as you shift through the motions it will change.
Kids spin us out and there is no reason to be feeling ashamed or upset you cried...life teen parenting needs a community...a decent one.
A suspension is a threat I would use to look perhaps it is not the best fit...dont worry Op ..is there anyone in the family a aunt or someone they can occasionally go stay with?
Ive decided kids misbehaviour isnt always a reflection on us more hormones and crazy times.
Hang in there...get someone to talk to fast.