Helping my son cope with separation and missing his dad

[justtryingherbest]

How do I help my son through this?!

me and his dad separated 18 months ago when he was just turning 4. He’s obviously not really understood everything until now I’m assuming as his behaviour (with me only) is really trying. He comes back from his dad’s house screaming and crying that he misses his daddy. I try and try to comfort him but he just doesn’t stop crying and I have my daughter that I need to care for too, she’s only 2.5yrs! Im finding it really mentally difficult cos it’s breaking my heart, we broke up because of things his dad did and I’m still working on healing myself. So when I see him like this it just digs up all the feelings I’ve been working on and makes me think ‘we should have tried harder etc etc’

does anyone have any tips? Feeling like an awful mum, I shouted at him this morning because I just did not know what to do. I am suspected adhd (waiting for diagnosis) so I get super overwhelmed and I find the whole thing really emotionally exhausting. I just want him to be happy 😢

That sounds hard. Is it just when he gets back or is it all the time he's with you? If it's when he gets back can you change the handover time so that he's not tired/hungry? And maybe take him straight out to the park or on his bike so that he has a physical outlet for any emotions?

So he’s 5.5 now? How long has this behaviour been happening? Since school restarted? I’d also wonder what’s happening when he’s with his Dad - any chance he could be pulling a “poor me Daddy’s so lonely” card?

If it is really as simple as he’s missing his Dad, perhaps try to make the handovers as consistent and unemotional as possible (like he and his Dad have a little goodbye ritual and talk about what they’ll do next time they see each other), and you make sure you talk about his Dad with him too and the things he’ll do with him next time. Could also try and have a fun activity ready for him when he gets home? Sounds really tough though

Yeah he’s 5.5 now. I do try and make it exciting when he comes back, last night for example I had pizzas ready for us all to make! And I always make sure I have a little treat night planned where we’ll spend time together. I talk to him about his dad and his dad’s girlfriend (which kills me but I know my son loves her) so I really am trying. But I feel like I’m failing massively

I think you have to try and put yourself in his world. It’s very destabilising when parents split up and children start to feel unsafe because the world has become unpredictable and they are vulnerable. People disappearing or major change is worrying for them.
Without knowing the details of your situation what you want to do is create stability, predictability and routine for him (and your daughter) which will take some time to establish but you’ve got to keep the routines happening so that they can become bedded in.
If you can work with your ex, then having the same care, meal and play routines at both homes would be helpful. If not at least if Dad has his routine that he keeps to and you have your routines that you keep to that may be able to help in someway.

Then think about the day from his point of view. Handover day should be a quiet day with some calming activities and expect some playing up their behaviour so it shouldn’t be on a day where you need to be on a schedule. It may be helpful for you to have some meals in the freezer and not have a list of chores to get through on that day, or even a reliable family member who can be calming to help you and that becomes their their day to visit as well, is a little bit of distraction and something to look forward to. Although they need to be present like furniture
It may be helpful to have like a visual timetable which kind of says where everyone is going to be each day even but not too detailed though, so he’s reassured that Mum is okay when he’s at Dad and Dad is okay when he’s at Mum’s.
I’d also avoid any major other changes like starting nursery if he hasn’t already at this point in time.
Find nothing it’s important to acknowledge his feelings of loss and sadness especially whilst the new reality hasn’t quite settled. So let him talk about his dad and what he’s done if he wants to and he’s extended family on Dad side. You also need to have an age appropriate explanation of why Dad is no longer there so that he doesn’t think it’s because daddy didn’t love him or It’s because of something that your son did. Try to avoid blaming yourself or your partner and I’m asking him to choose between the two of you so it would be helpful if your partner has the same explanation and it may be something that if you can you work together on. However, this may be the ideal situation and reality not be practical.

Oh I definitely do put myself into his world, a lot. That’s why I feel so deeply about this. His dad says he’ll do X Y and Z. But there’s been times before where I’ve asked to do basic things to keep routine and he’s gone funny with me about it so in all honesty I’m scared to ask and I know it won’t be followed through

It’s a tough situation for such a young child. Does he actually stay over or is it just day visits? It might be too much for him if he’s staying at two different houses, as well as all the normal childhood things like school starting. If you do get diagnosed with ADHD it’s likely that your DS may also have this and the situation may be overwhelming for him.

@Overthebow ive also spoke to his dad about this as he’s now moved in with his girlfriend and he’s having the kids at his mums now. I’ve told him how important it is that he sorts the room out at his girlfriends house as I can see the confusion is affecting our son, but honesty he just takes everything so personally and like an attack that I feel like he just thinks I’m being a nob, when it’s all for our son and how I can see things affecting him! And yes I’ve also thought this about the adhd with him and it is something I have started keeping a real close eye on observing

Maybe speak to the health visitor and then frame it as I have spoken to HV and this is what they advise for his wellbeing and moving forward whilst we sort things out as adults. He could arrange an appointment with her as well if he wants to.

@tigerlily9 thats helpful thank you. He’s not a bad person he just seems to take everything I say as an attack so he’s really hard to converse with. He’s going on holiday now and won’t be having the children on the Monday he usually does, but he hadn’t even told me (I found out as you do, women always know!!) but he also hadn’t told our son. So I just said to him he needs to be telling him these things, cos he’s nearly 6 he’s not stupid and he’ll notice there’s a big time frame between when he last saw him etc but he just took it personally I feel as I got very short/blunt replies back

Maybe meditation may help as part of separating and there are some comparenting apps and resources that may be helpful in this situation. I think having a neutral person suggesting may make it less stressful negotiating childcare arrangements. It is tough but use the time your son is at his dad’s to recharge your own batteries and buil your support network.