How do you cope when contact weekends are repeatedly cancelled?

[SoonToBePinocchiosExWife]

How on earth do you cope with the absent parent letting the child down on contact weekends? I've just realised that the stbxh has most likely been getting his end away on a couple of occasions when he's been unavoidably not able to take our child for the weekend. Am furious but have to feign ignorance and hold my tongue. Any words of advice?!

It is THE most sexist part of family law IMO. You are legally obliged to make the child available. The other parent is NOT legally obliged to turn up!

my advice, just hold your ground. Document it. I documented how late the cancellations were along with outright cancellations or reduced time/dropping kids back a day early etc and colour coded the whole thing for court. They say a picture tells a thousand words.

my ex used to kind of blackmail me with the threat of not showing up. I felt so powerless and there was nowhere to vent my frustration - and I was exhausted and really needed that short reprieve. I couldn’t fathom how he thought it was a good idea to be putting me into such a screwed up state of mind, given I was minding his kids! But that was his mindset, twist the knife at any chance.

Eventually, I worked off the basis that he was going to cancel, and then I stopped expecting anything from him, and stopped getting thrown in a spin when I’d suddenly have the kids for two days and be cancelling plans and trying to control my frustration. It is so shit but some men are just shit Dads. He has no power over me now and he despises me because I don’t even argue with him, he is literally nobody to me and nothing.

its very hard to deal with, I am sorry. I do get it. What age is your child?

My child is 7. I do more or less manage to stay civil with Stbxh but inside I'm seething. Can't wait for the day I never have to see him again!

Document every breached visitation. From now on, document every arrangement. If you agree it verbally, write a follow- up email to confirm the arrangement. When he calls to cancel, write him an email confirming the cancellation.

It won't solve anything, but it gives you a record of his shitty fatherliness if he ever decides he wants 50/50 to save money, or for any other ( legal,or otherwise - like him claiming you withheld visitation) reason going forward.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

It's really shit! My ex went off with the OW and treated my DD like crap. I stopped documenting everything a few months ago, my DD just turned 10 we moved 100miles away from London in the summer - my ex doesn't care

Some men do this - but from my experience, build your support network and don't rely on him for nothing

My ex was like this when we first split up. A friend who had walked the same route suggested responding with pleasure to every irritating last minute schedule change. A couple of months of that and things stabalised a lot - I think that there had been an element of control behind the disorganisation.

”Yup, no worries to cancel. The kids are a bit disappointed but it actually works better for me because I don’t need to be back on Sunday night now. See you next week”

“Thanks for letting me know. That’s perfect actually, the kids have been asking to go to the cinema with me and we haven’t had time so they’ll be really pleased”

”No problem to be a couple of hours late, I’m running a bit late myself anyway. See you then!”

Also, on a practical level, find a good babysitter who you trust. They’ll be a lot more reliable than ex is!

This is brilliant! I will definitely do this! Thank you 💐

I do agree with this. My friend had a similar situation in that she’d been in hospital, shit dad had had her son but moaned about it and wouldn’t bring him to visit. And then when she got discharged he said he might not bring him back. She was devastated but she then sent a message saying that was so thoughtful of him and she was so grateful as it meant she could recover properly. Her son was dumped on the doorstep at 8am the next morning.

its a power play with these men - don’t give them the satisfaction. They want it to annoy and inconvenience you.

I told my ex that I was documenting every time he cancels. If it carries on I’ll withhold contact and he’ll have to prove he wants to see them regularly by going to court for child arrangements. I only let him communicate through email so I had proof that he cancelled and his reasons.

the damage to our dc was awful, especially for our youngest who’d be so excited to see her dad. Then to be let down time and time again. She’s an adult now in her 30’s. The effect this has had on her mental health and subsequent relationships is horrible. She’s very needy and needs reassurance a lot. She’s always in that headspace that she’s going to be abandoned by her partner. As a family she needs to a lot to be around. She’s in therapy and it’s been so difficult for her to realise why she’s like this. I wish I’d just not let him see them at all but maybe that would of caused its own damage x

Brillant - really!

The one thing I learned was not to let the DC know how angry I was, despite how upset they were time and time again.

Make sure they know it's him cancelling, when they ask say 'dad will explain next time you see him'. Mine never did of course but that did mean that the kids figured out for themselves what a twat he was without me (being accused of) bad-mouthing him.

Always have a plan b. I became a master of cheap/free days out. And find your 'village' - I had a neighbour who was on standby babysitting duties if I actually had something planned.

It's really shit op.

Thank you for this, thankfully I've only just twigged about the real reason behind the last minute cancellations. I just can't fathom a parent giving up the chance to see their kid for a roll in the hay. He only sees our child twice a month as it is. At least I can crack on with the divorce without second guessing myself!

You’ve been given great advice here and I would add that you use OurFamilyWizard or similar to communicate with your ex, and ONLY this method (or whatever similar app you choose).

This means he can’t delete or edit messages and you have a complete backlog of him changing/dropping agreed custody times/days to suit himself.

You can also use this to prove to CMS that he actually only has DC X number of nights per month, rather than the higher number they usually claim and therefore get more maintenance.

You can also use this to fight for a bigger financial settlement during the divorce. Your ex is likely to claim that he has his DC more than he does, but if you can say “actually you did no overnights in the last month” or whatever the situation is, you can show that you need a greater proportion of the financial assets as he’s preventing you from taking on more work (as you’re doing the bulk of childcare) whilst he has the greater time capacity to earn more (as he’s essentially child-free).

Thanks for this. I've already moved onto the Family Wizard app and have logged the missed contacts in the journal, alongside the evidence of him actually being 150 miles away from home tucking into various large takeaways (if he's eating that quantity of food he's heading for an early grave, so am assuming meals for 2!), when he's made various excuses for not picking up child. So far, the car's been out of action, he's had to attend a conference, and he's been desperately ill. None of which has turned out to be true. Ironically he was the one that inadvertently provided the documented evidence! Just holding it together for the kid, even though I am steaming about it. Mind you, it shouldn't really be a surprise!