I've been with my husband most of my life and I think I'm leaving. How did you actually do it?

[Saoirse32]

I've been unhappy for a long time and my husband doesn't know how far I've got emotionally. I've quietly applied for a rental because I couldn't face telling him I wanted to leave and then having nowhere to go. The landlord has accepted me subject to referencing.
The secrecy is absolutely killing me.

I feel excited about the possibility of having my own home, then horribly guilty because he has no idea. I'm waiting until I know the flat is definitely mine before I talk to him because I'm terrified of telling him it's over and then having the tenancy fall through.

Has anyone else done it this way? How did you cope with the guilt? And when did you finally tell your husband?

Is he such an awful person that you want to blindside him like this? Or are you scared of him? What’s the backstory?

I would wait until you know for certain about the tenancy or even wait until the keys are in your hand. You don’t have to move out dead on the day the property is yours. then explain you are unhappy and will be moving out to try and figure out what you want going forward. I don’t know if this is needed but in some situations I would advise a friend to wait outside in the car just incase you or your husband needs help. Things can escalate in these conversations. I don’t think it matters why you want to leave the fact is you do, I only advise you though to not do the thing where people move out while their partner is at work without saying anything but I can tell by your post you aren’t going to go about it this way. I feel like if you tell him you’re waiting to hear back from a landlord then that could give him false hope and he will pray it falls through maybe and that might make the whole process harder for him when you inevitably do leave.

I had a similar experience. I told my ex partner I’ve come to the end of my rope and I have a viewing the following week for a house to rent and that I wanted to sit down and see if we could resolve our issues and if we could I would not attend the viewing. That night he smashed my phone up and dragged me out of the house infront of my children. He had never been violent before this. I then had nowhere to stay for 3 weeks until I could pick up the keys. Sometimes as a woman you need to have a plan and a safety net and you aren’t doing anything wrong by arranging that for yourself.

best of luck❤️

I think that unless there is a backstory where he is abusive etc, then you owe it to him to tell him you think there are issues and you are looking for a new place. Waiting until the moment you leave seems like a dick move…this is a guy you once loved, a bit of respect goes a long way, and might help him get over it more easily.

I agree with the others. If there is real fear of violence its the right thing to do but if it is just the fear of telling him you just need to be brave. Telling him and giving him a bit of time to process it before you move out is the kindest thing.

I felt very fearful but knew the fear of violence wasnt real it was just my nervous system overeacting. I blocked my bedroom door the first few nights so he wouldnt be able to get in whilst I was sleeping to help me sleep without anxiety.

We are now divorced but still actually living together as we are selling the house. That has its own challenges but for the sake of our 2 kids and half our lives together I am glad I didnt cut and run and blindside him.

The first conversation is the hardest but it does get easier. Just be firm but kind and let him express how he feels. Remember he cant force you to change your mind.