Hand hold/advice please - told him I think we should separate, he is now being wierd

[HeartyCat]

I posted in the relationships section a few months back, as I felt I was close to telling my partner I wanted to separate. Things came to a head last week, after an awful holiday. He was vile for the whole week, refusing to engage in anything we were doing, shouting at the kids over nothing (a regular occurrence) and making sarcastic comments that just put a downer on the whole thing. I honestly don't know why he bothered coming. The night we got home, I told him I thought we might be best going our separate ways. I said I was very unhappy, I was appalled with how he had been on holiday, and I could not see how I could be happy again with him. I said I felt that I can no longer be myself at home. He didn't disagree about separating, but we were tired from travelling and went to bed.

The next day, he started acting like the conversation never happened, making jokes and acting all jolly, and being extra nice to the kids. For context, one of my biggest issues with him is the way he has treated particularly our eldest DS who is 7. He has always been aggressive with him for no reason - shouting and screaming at him, sometimes dragging him about. I've raised it so many times before, and he will reign it in for a bit, but it always starts again. At one point I thought he had really turned a corner, and felt we were in a much better place, and we agreed to have a second child. I felt he had learned from his mistakes with first DS. He was fine with DS2 for the first 12-18 months, but now that DS2 is a toddler, partner is starting to show similar signs of impatience, intolerance and aggressiveness. We have never smacked DS, I am completely against it. He has tried to suggest in the past that it would help with discipline, and at times has threatened DS1 with a smack if he doesn't do as he's told etc. I noticed a few weeks ago, he had started giving DS2 a tap on the hand if he was playing up. Then a tap on the bum. Then on holiday, DS2 was really tired after the travelling, and we were planning to drive to a beach. He didn't want to get in the car seat. Partner came over and said "I'll do it", grabbed DS2 and started pushing him into the seat, then I'm pretty sure started smacking him on his leg to get him to get down (I couldn't see as I was bending into the front seat, I just heard the noise that sounded like a smack). Afterwards, he was saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I needed you to stop messing around and sit down." I don't know how I didn't burst into tears.

I just cannot allow our lives to continue in this way. Our DS' are such happy, smart, energetic boys, but it is marred by this bullshit, and I worry about how it will affect them in the future if it continues unchecked. The last few months I have been on eggshells, trying to pre-empt things that might annoy him, just to try and avoid him blowing up at them. It's like I'm constantly refereeing. He doesn't blow up at me - I am no pushover - but he takes all his frustrations out on the kids, especially the older one. And those frustrations could be about anything - work, tiredness, silly dramas with his immediate family etc. Nothing actually that involves the kids.

A few days after we spoke, he asked if I wanted to write down how I felt, if I found that easier, so I did. He read it and announced he was going to book some sessions with a therapist who he saw years ago for CBT for his anxiety. This would be to try and address his anger. He also said he didn't think we should be going on any "expensive holidays" for a while, in case we did end up separating, we would need to save some money. And also, he "wasn't promising" anything in terms of our relationship.

I just feel like he's on another planet. The holiday comment was just nonsense, why would I want to go on holiday when I am barely speaking to him? And considering I am the one who said I think we should separate, what on earth is he on about, telling me he's not promising anything, like he's doing me a favour?
Yesterday he tried to pick a fight because I have barely spoken to him since last week. I am being civil, so as not to create an atmosphere for the kids, but as I said, he seems to think he can just carry on as normal with random chit chat like nothing's happening. He kept saying "so is it just the thing with the boys then"as though that's a minor thing. Wtf?

I don't know why I've posted this really. Looking for a hand hold I guess. What do I do now? I feel like I'm going crazy and that he's trying now to gaslight me.
I just want him to leave me alone and get the message.

Are you actually making any moves to separate? Have you been clear that it is definitely happening, when he says things like this?

He's not taking you seriously about planning to separate.

Put all your plans in place asap. Get everything lined up so you can get physically away from him.

Then once plans are in place, follow through. The kids have already been exposed to much too much. You must know you've already created an atmosphere for the kids. None of this is your fault or their fault, but you're the only one who can help them.

Wishing you the strength to go through with this ASAP.

Sounds like he is in denial, probably deliberately. You sound like your mind is made up, and for good reason.

You really don't need to wait until he has to accepted your decision to move forwards though, just continue with your plans.

Start going through your finances and get an idea of what you can afford after a divorce. You might be better moving out if he is in this mindset and won't move out himself, so getting a house valuation if you own would be useful. You should also look for a solicitor - assume you don't want him to have 50/50 given his aggression so he will be paying more maintenance and may well get difficult quickly once he realises you are serious and he won't be seeing much of them and will be paying. You want to be prepared. If there are any examples of real violence towards either you or the children, get them documented.

Thank you. Yes I asked him a few days ago if he'd forgotten what I had said about separating, as I found his behaviour of acting completely normal to just be so odd. That's when he asked me to write how I feel, because he said he didn't understand why. I will start repeating it. It's hard, because I'm really trying to avoid a massive row, I just don't have the energy.
We are not married. If we sell the house I can afford to buy somewhere else nearby. But in the meantime either he will need to move (which I don't think he can afford to do) or we need to co exist in the same space for a bit.
I have been keeping a diary of his behaviour towards the kids, it goes back a few years.

Absolutely don't get into repeating what you already said. He will start picking it apart. Tell him, 'I told you once, it was clear then. If you don't understand why I want to separate having told you clearly there is nothing more to be said.' Getting you to repeat things is a way to confuse, manipulate and mock you - he will make you question your sanity.

The next step is to move the conversation forward. When is he moving out, practical arrangements, length of trial separation etc.

He is ignoring your words so you need to take action. Get the house valued and on the market.

Good luck!

The fact that he won't be able to afford anywhere to buy....isn't your problem.

I agree he's trying to make it seem like a small issue resolved with a few therapy sessions, and if he minimises it things will carry on as usual. You've already explained your reasons clearly.

However, as the issues all revolve around his aggression towards the boys, how this will work out when you separate? If he sees them at weekends, they will be alone with him and you will not be able to monitor his anger. Not that I'm saying it's a reason not to separate, but I'm sure it must be a concern for you.

He doesn't need to understand why. He knows why, he's just in denial. You've made your decision, start the process. Disentangle finances if they are joined, secure your financial position, change all your passwords, PINs etc, move your paperwork and that of your children to a safe place (passports, birth certificates etc), get the house sorted, valued and marketed.

Denial anger bargaining depression acceptance - the five stages of grief and loss. This is what he will do over the coming months/years, and not necessarily in that order. Currently you are getting a bit of denial and a bit of bargaining.

Don't expect him to get to acceptance yet a while, you will have to progress the separation yourself.

And watch out for depression and anger from him. Again, hold fast, it will be a bumpy ride if you need to live together while the house sells.

What are your plans/hopes/expectations for the children’s living arrangements?

You don't need him to get the message. You just carry on leaving him if that's what you want to do. He doesn't have to agree to it and probably won't. He doesn't have to leave you alone. You are leaving him so you need to do that. If you're wanting him to leave the house you will probably have to go to court.

You don't have to give a detailed justification for ending the relationship. You can simply say the relationship doesn't make me happy, it makes me unhappy.