Coping with DS first school day after ex's affair

[NC3952697]

Looking for any advice on handling this difficult situation.

My ex had an affair with a mum at the school. Both she and I have children starting in the same class tomorrow.

I am extremely angry that my DS first day feels ruined by this. I know I need to focus on him and try to forget the rest. But I feel robbed of this special day. I also know it’s only one day and will still be special to DS.

Any advice wise women on handling this?

Could you not ask school to swap one of your DC into a different class? Sounds awful for you

I don’t blame you for feeling utterly resentful, angry and anything else. Presumably your ex will be there for first day of school as well. I’d try and physically position yourself away from her if you spot her and try, hard as it will be to ignore her.

Also, remember, you’ve done no wrong, it should be her and your ex that’s mortified.

Thank you both for the responses. I should have said: we are in a small school so one form entry. I had heard she might take her kids out so I was hoping I could avoid this. Both couples are separated/separating but yes I expect my ex will be there too.

So are they still together? That does make it very awkward if so.

Yup, I have advice. Live in the moment, you and your child both know exactly what you’re doing on this special day. It’s a long term issue that she’s a school mum - that will work out over weeks, months or years. It’s not something to look at on the first day. Good luck!

Can you go in with a friend who is aware of things but can be trusted to be quiet? And then just focus on your son, and get your friend to make sure the cheaters don't get a chance to talk to you.

The only way I got through this with my ex and DD is “I love my daughter more than I hate him”.
I repeated it over and over in my head like a mantra whenever I wanted to punch him in his stupid face.
Not that you should have to, but it will help you rise above it, it’ll help calm you down and concentrate on your son, repeat repeat repeat.
”I love my son more than I hate him”.
Don’t allow yourself to even look in their direction.
Even if your eyes have to burn into your son’s head, focus on him. Then when you’re out of sight of the school, let it out.

Thank you for the advice, it’s all helpful.

Ex and OW are not together, at least he says they are not.

I am strangely focused on this particular issue, over all the other more life changing ones. I just wish I didn’t have to think about it.

One thing to remember is that however nervous you are tomorrow is nothing compared to how she feels. She doesn’t know you or how you will react to her.

Can you imagine taking your child to school for the first time knowing that it is not beyond the bounds of possibility that a crazy woman will scream:-

“THAT’S HER - THAT’S THE SLUT WHO FUCKED MY HUSBAND! YOUR MUMMY IS A SLUT!!!!

at you / your child.

Obviously you are not going to do that. But she doesn’t know that. And she won’t know that at 1am. Or 2am. Or 3am.

Omg, this!
She’ll be shitting herself 😂

@Mumoftwoteenagers If only 😂 This is the kind of scenario I secretly fantasise about too. DC's dad's ex-OW has a business which relies quite heavily on marketing on social media to entice clients (boak) and it would be so easy (albeit would most likely fall foul of some harassment law) to 'out' her in reviews and comments. Obviously I wouldn't, but to say I haven't been tempted would be untrue, and to suggest that her knowing that somewhere out there is a woman sufficiently aggrieved to seriously consider it, gives me a twisted comfort, would be 100% spot on.

OP, this is one of the myriad injustices we work our way through as we emerge from the post-disclosure carnage. It's so infuriating, because often it seems it is the betrayed partners who end up feeling the self-consciousness and shame and social second-guessing which rightly should sit exclusively with the two 'affair partners'; we didn't even do anything wrong, yet it seems it is often the betrayed spouses who end up suffering through these events.

Wishing you courage and a steady nerve, OP.

How did it go today? My ex had an affair but I’ve never met the OW, I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been for you today.

Thank you for checking in. Well it wasn’t as bad as I expected. It did stress me out seeing her, but I was very focused on my DS. She didn’t look at me as far as I could tell while not really looking at her!

I had this in my head:

“THAT’S HER - THAT’S THE SLUT WHO FUCKED MY HUSBAND! YOUR MUMMY IS A SLUT!!!!”

Which really made me laugh and helped me feel the strength of others. I might post a bit more about the situation on another thread, the help here has been great for me.