Co-parenting after abuse: should I apply to court for stability?

[justneedtovent12]

I guess I just need to vent. I feel so alone in this situation and like there’s nobody who really understands what I’m going through. I’m honestly just so done at this point. My mental health is worse than it has ever been, and I feel completely drained from constantly trying to make sure my child still has a relationship with their father.
I left my abusive ex 2 years ago. We share one child.
Even before we separated, there was so much control and intimidation. He would make threats over the smallest things — for example, if there were dishes in the sink or toys all over the floor, he would tell me I was a “shit mum” and that he was going to report me for neglect/endangering the children. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells.
If I worked late and was 2 or 3 minutes later than I had said I would be, it would turn into accusations that I was cheating, even when I would prove where I had been by showing him my clock-out times.
When I finally left, I obtained a non-molestation order which lasted 6 months. Unfortunately, it didn’t really change anything other than giving him time to build up his victim narrative.
Eventually he started claiming he had changed and wanted to be involved in our child’s life. There wasn't really a third-party contact option available to us, and during term time we were able to use nursery drop-offs/pick-ups so we didn’t have to cross paths. As he appeared civil from a legal perspective, the NMO eventually ended.
Since then, though, I’ve been dealing with constant verbal abuse whenever I don’t give him the detailed answer he wants or when I say our child is busy and can’t have a phone call.
Our child is only 3. They don’t have their own phone, so any calls have to come through me. If I don’t facilitate a call exactly when he wants one, he can send me message after message of abuse.
I now block him most of the time and only unblock him around the days he has our child, because communication has become so toxic.
He currently says he can only have our child one night a week — around 4 nights a month — and that is the arrangement I have gone along with. Every now and then I’ve asked whether he could have an extra night, even just once a month, because I could really use the help.
I have been given promises that he will help, only to be let down at the last minute because suddenly he has other plans. This has left me having to miss work or scramble around trying to rely on the small number of family members and close friends I have.
Yet despite only wanting to have our child around 4 nights a month, he repeatedly sends me emails accusing me of keeping our child unsafe, threatening to report me to Children's Services/the police, and saying that he has “50/50 rights” and is entitled to know our child’s whereabouts constantly.
It feels completely contradictory. He wants to claim 50/50 rights and equal decision-making, but doesn't actually want to take on anything close to 50/50 care.
I have offered mediation. I have offered court. I’ve even told him that if he genuinely believes there is a problem, he should take the appropriate legal route.
I’m then met with silence, only for weeks or months later to be told again that he is going to report me/my family/my friends.
I am aware that without genuine safeguarding concerns I can’t simply decide to stop contact. I did try to stop contact when I discovered he was using cannabis and driving illegally, but I was advised by the police that without a court order I couldn't simply take contact away myself.
And honestly, I still feel guilty that my child doesn’t get to see their dad, which is a big part of why I continue to facilitate the one night a week arrangement.
But I am exhausted.
I don’t understand how I’m supposed to continue co-parenting with someone who uses communication to verbally abuse me, threatens reports whenever he doesn't get the response he wants, makes accusations, promises help and then withdraws it, while simultaneously saying he has equal rights.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Did you eventually apply to court yourself and, if so, what did you apply for? Did you wait for the other parent to actually follow through on their threats and take you to court?
I’m particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has experienced this kind of high-conflict/controlling behaviour after leaving an abusive relationship and how you eventually got some stability.
I honestly just need to vent as well as get some advice. I feel so alone and so drained. It has been two years since I left, and somehow he still manages to have such a huge impact on my life and mental health.
Side note: he also doesn't have a conventional job and appears to work cash-in-hand, which I believe is mainly to avoid paying child maintenance/tax and having any real financial responsibility.
I just want some peace and for my child to have a happy childhood without constantly being caught up in adult conflict.

In your situation I’d apply to court for a child arrangements order, only use a court ordered and approved app for contact /messaging outside that and then ignore anything else.

if he wants 50:50’he can take you to court and argue why he thinks it’s in his child’s interests ( won’t happen)

It sounds like you keep replying/ defending yourself / answering him . Stop doing that. You are rewarding him with your attention . Use an app such as the one the pp recommends refuse any other contact with him and if he continues to be abusive contact the police for a harassment order .

You should apply for a Child Arrangement Order

You can have it specify what time and day he can phone ds.

You can also have it specify that you are allowed to take ds on holiday without his permission for up to 28 days as you’re the resident parent. You might not have a holiday planned but he wouldn’t be able to use the power to object to ruin your plans.

You can have Christmas, New Year’s, ds birthday, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day clearly defined

If he decides to keep ds with him to punish you then a Child Arrangement Order would speed things up because it would be clear that he had Ds on your time.

You can also have the order insist that contact is through a parenting app. It limits how you contact each other so he shouldn’t be able to abuse you.

You made a rookie mistake asking him to have ds more. He’s abusive and you’re his ex so it was inevitable that he’d either say no or say yes and cancel last minute just in case you’d try and have a life outside motherhood or even date. (A major fear of deadbeats) It’s ok to be selective about what you tell him. The more he knows, the more he’ll try and use it as a stick to beat you with. He can’t control and ruin what he doesn’t know about.

Ignore the posturing about 50/50 rights. He can go to court to get 50/50 if he wants and be prepared that he may do it once he finds a new gf or cons a female relative like a sister to do his 50%. He’s a knob but don’t fuel him bully replying to his messages with the same crap that he does. Keep it business polite if you must answer so that he can’t use your texts as ammunition.

Just in case you didn’t know, a Child Arrangement Order basically lists the times that you have to make ds available for contact. There’s no obligation for ex to turn up and no legal repercussions if he is a no show but you’ll be able to say that he was given a chance to see ds that week. Not showing up and forcing you to go back to court to have the order amended is a possibility but when ds is older he’d be able to see that dad was offered the chance.

Child arrangement proceedings are ruinously stressful, traumatic and expensive. I would really carefully consider if this is the route you want to go down. Take legal advice about what you can hope to gain from it, and think on it very seriously.

Given the fact that a non mol was granted etc, I assume you will allege abuse during proceedings. This could result in a fact finding hearing. I would urge you to read about the process re cafcass and what is involved.

I’ve been through it - he followed through and took me to court. I’m not trying to scare you or put you off. It was the worst experience of my life. And I came out with an extremely rare no contact order: he can’t even write to my children, let alone be anywhere near them. And still I truly felt like the stress might kill me. No exaggeration, and this is in the context of decades of abuse, the court process was worse - even with an entire professional network supporting me and my children and our experiences.

Will this bring you peace? Will this lead to a calmer more detached life for you? Or might there be another way ahead for you?

You feel guilty that your child doesn't have more contact with an abusive shitbag? You should be counting your blessings and praying that he gets tired of playing Dad. If you think that his attitude to you won't rub off on your daughter, or that he won't start (at some stage) treating her the same, you are being naive. Keep your boundaries strong and don't tolerate a second more contact than you have to. You're already doing well by blocking him.

I also think that a Child Arrangement Order is the way forward.

In the meantime however, the best thing you can do is accept that he is NOT rational and he will NOT behave in a helpful, collaborative manner. So anything you decide or anything you do has to be about how you will behave and what you will do - you cannot base any decisions on what he "should" do.

So, in terms of current contact, if it's all ad hoc, then use an app and tell him from now on you'll only engage with him on the app and that if he wants to see your DD, he needs to to let you know via the app. In your own head, at the sae time, you have to be clear about what you will or won't do when he refuses to agree to this - so he can accuse you of anything he likes, but you don't have to justify or explain yourself. Accept that he will tell you that he has "rights" but know that actually, he has obligations and responsibilities and that no, you do not have to run anything past him. Believe (because it's true) that when you are with DD, you do not need to tell him everything you're doing nor do you have to get his permission to do anything. Block him on email, phone etc and just stick with the app.

I know it's really hard with an abusive and controlling ex, but you need to step into your power here. Grey rock all the way. Don't engage. Set up a call at a time that works for you, you're not as his beck and call. At this age (with abusive ex), I would agree the time by text and then pass by DC the iPad so I didn't have to really see or speak to him except at end of call. Child arrangements order has been very useful for me, but you still need to manage boundaries.

Family Law Practitioner here.

If you can prove the abuse, you will be eligible for Legal Aid. Go to your GP, tell them what is happening and that your ex is using your child to continue post separation abuse, basically what you've said here.

If the GP examines you, states you're a victim of DA and then offers you therapy and or medication to deal with the impact on you, you can then ask the GP to complete a Legal Aid template letter, (check the You.Gov website, you can download these), then find a firm that does Legal Aid and start the ball rolling. You also have to be in receipt of UC. Alternatively, you can contact any Domestic Abuse organisation and they can do the same thing for you.

As mentioned, a Child Arrangements Order is the only way to go, a C100 application. Find a good solicitor and crack on. Your ex will not change, ever.