How to get rid of the anger?

[AngryEx]

Hi all,

Has anyone any tips on how to get rid of my anger towards my ex and about how my life is.

I am exhausted. And very depressed.

My ex had me in survival mode for a long time, his abuse drinking adultery and then post-separation abuse had me on my knees, metaphorically.

I am trying so hard to rebuild my life, but I miss my family life so much (it wasn't toxic until our dynamic changed and I started doing more for myself and stopped mothering him, basically)

But now of course he has another new girlfriend and is playing happy families with her and our children.
My kids come back saying things like Dad says he has the most money he's ever had.

I am the primary parent, the one who's always responsible, always was really.
He's had a holiday abroad this year, I haven't and can't afford to.

I just feel like my life is getting harder and harder, financially and stress wise and he's got freedom, money and happiness.

I am SO angry and I don't quite know how to get rid of that in a healthy way.
I've had tons of therapy and don't feel any better for it really.
I hate my ex for what he took from me.
We had almost two decades together and in the end he was using class-a drugs recreactionally and had unprotected sex with some skank, then slept with me again not caring if he was passing on any STIs.

I still cannot get over it. I am so so angry at what he took from me, especially now he appears so happy and carefree and has created a new family dynamic with someone else.

I sympathise. It’s hard when the life you planned is ripped away.
Just remember that a leopard doesn’t change its spots.

He wants you to see how happy he is. He's just the same old desperate nobody who did the things he did but he wants you to think he's living his best life. He doesn't want you enjoying the peace that being without him brings so he's making sure your head is still full of him. He would be enjoying your anger if he knew about it. Grey rock if you ever have to interact with him.

It took me a good four or five years to be able to use my ex's name rather than a swear word. My rape crisis counsellor suggested screaming in the car (on an empty road) or going up a hill and screaming at the top. Or punching your pillow. All more heat of the moment stuff, it doesn't deal with the underlying betrayals that are causing your feelings.

I have found filling my life with things that are new to me have been helpful; changing a room layout, the colour of the walls, cleaning the window! Anything and everything, to make myself busy, to keep my thoughts on what I want to do with the next room; or getting out and meeting new people which is easier said than done.

The one thing that took a lot of willpower on my part was blocking any knowledge I could about what was going on in his life. To begin with I was desperate to hear bad news, that he wasn't as happy as he thought he was going to be, but any thought of him at all was just him in my head again so I had to make a concerted effort to avoid people who would speak about him or stuff on social media. It wasn't easy but it's worth it.

It'll obviously be different for you having your children but keep in your head that he is telling them things purely to get to you and it's very likely not true. Strong people don't behave like that.

It's a hard time @AngryEx but you will get there, perhaps slowly but definitely surely

Fantastic post. Thank you for this. Totally agree.

Also to add, it's ok to feel anger. But try and harness it in aome way to benefit you. Exercise or whatever.

It's a difficult emotion to manage. Sometimes it propelled me forward, sometimes it consumed me. But if you're angry there are reasons why and they need acknowledging.

Thank you both.

I have been trying so hard to move forward, but I feel like I've hit a wall lately, depression wise as well I am really struggling.
Like to the point where I don't care if I don't wake up and then I feel sad and angry that I feel so hopeless.
But I am really struggling to see the joy in things and especially now Christmas is approaching, as I know he will play happy families with the new girlfriend and our children, so that's really hard as it hurts me so much.
It probably sounds dramatic, but I literally feel like he took my world from me and no-one quite understands the pain involved in that.

He thinks nothing of rubbing his new happy life in my face, turns up with the latest woman in the car to collect his children from me.
Which I know he's allowed to do. But it annoys me he took those moments from me and is recreating them elsewhere.

I invisaged family times, enjoying grandchildren together in the future etc...he has decimated it all and I hate him for it.

Thank you, yes I am finding at the moment that it's consuming me, hence I feel so awful.

Previously it's given me a good driving force to get things done, but lately I just feel horrendous and hateful and bitter.

Exercise, exercise! Whatever you can do, just do it. Try it and see if it helps to work off some of your frustration and anger.
Look at holidays on a coach. They’re often cheaper. Lots of different age groups go so don’t think it’s just for Oldies!
Look for out of season Airbnb holidays too.

Become the best & fittest you can. It’s a revenge dish best served cold.

@AngryEx you are angry and you are grieving also.

Is it possible to engage a friend or family member in the handover of the children. I know someone who is doing this in order
to not have to see the offending STBexh.
It has made a difference because she does not have to see him. You should not have to see him turn up with new girlfriend to collect the DC.

Other than family admin this man needs to be erased from your life - easier said than done, I know.

Be angry, but try to add a bit of love and care for yourself. Time is a healer.

Keep busy! When I was younger and felt pain after breakups I had this little imaginary box of joy and pleasure in my heart that I knew would open eventually because I knew good things, better things were out there for me.

I don’t have the box anymore because things couldn’t be better. All came to pass!

Thank you, no unfortunately I don't have that option.

However I have as minimal contact as possible with him. He very much tries to control the narrative, has flying monkeys everywhere (even my family, thats a whole other reason I am still in therapy!) and paint the picture that he's a wonderful caring and thoughtful man.

That is a thing that I do still struggle with, the lies he told to all around him to paint me as the bad one and him as the hero/victim. There's nothing I can do about it so I have to hope that one day these people will realise for themselves what he's like. It's doubly galling when it's your own family who put your ex above you in their priorities, you have my sympathy and understanding on that one

I found Dr Ramani very helpful in the early days. And Shadows of Control, if that is appropriate for your circumstances @AngryEx . And Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse on FB.

Have you ever thought of it as 'Me being angry is him winning. Me giving less of a shit and moving on is my way of winning.'? You can be very very sad about how it went wrong. You can also assign blame on him - it was clearly his fault and you didnt deserve it. But holding on to anger and staying on a place of anger just keeps the damage he created alive. You are free of it when you let the anger subside.

This is a post/reply off here (ages ago!) that inspired me through some dark times ❤️

Separate it all out into separate boxes.

1 You are grieving the life you thought you had. This is difficult but you need to find acceptance and embrace your new life.
2 you are hurt by his actions- completely normal but your anger now is only hurting you eventually you have to let go . He will never apologise or care about thus
3 his apparent happy carefree new life again v tricky but it’s now no longer your concern
4 the kids- it is in their best interests to have a good relationship with him. Just put boundaries in place . It’s tempting to point score or compete but it doesn’t really help anyone.

i hope you can move on. Ultimately you are better off without him

Yes, but that's my whole point...HOW do I do that?

I've become good at not reacting to him, refusing to give him the drama and chaos he seems to want (ie he will do anything to try and get a rise from me: abuse, name calling, sending shitty emails because he can't text me anymore...I grey rock it all)
And whilst I don't give him a response, I still feel anger...and that's what I'm struggling to release and process.

At the moment I feel like I'm full of it...like a champagne bottle and corks about to pop.

How do I pop it and where?? Every area of my life I have to be chill and nice (as a mum, at work etc) I don't have a place I can release this absolute pent up rage

Therapy is the place you release all the rage and anger

Therapy is the place you release all the rage and anger

I understand your anger too, OP. pregnant with second child I discovered my Ex was using prostitutes and had always been, he then did the dirty of refusing to allow me to move away after we split (even though he had already moved away!), I took him to court and was granted permission but it cost me a hell of a lot of money and time. Oh the time! It was years of uncertainty, renting, wishing, until I won that case.

so I get home, and I’m about 100k down thanks to court, and he now dodges court consistently and doesn’t hasn’t paid any child support to this day.

blah blah I can tell you more but you get that point. A total shitbag.

my anger while I can justify it, it isn’t really doing much for me anymore. My ruminating on all this has led me to this point: yes I am right to feel enraged - both at him and at a system that allowed for this inequity and inequality of responsibility to be as it is. But being in that state doesn’t do me well. I can accept - when I say accept I mean KNOW how fucked up things are but I do not need to have “live anger” for it. When I am in that mood, I am difficult for the kids to be around (yes, my mood is a product of his behaviour I could argue, and justify it, but ultimately, where does it get me? With a big headache and feeling of guilt for being short with my kids).

so I try not to do it anymore and I mostly succeed.

you have a tonne of power in your own life to make it the life you want. You have a choice in this. I believe we do - and we can create our own. The anger needs to be expressed so you must get to the barrel of the end of it. Tell your therapist more, let the rage rage, you have to let it out until you’re exhausted talking and you don’t want to anymore.

wishing you well and good luck xx