Hi,
I don't really know why I'm posting this really, except for some reassurance that I'm making the right decision for my children and a virtual handhold...
I've been with my partner for 9 years, married for nearly 4. On Saturday night just gone, I indicated that I wanted to separate and he has gone absolutely BESERK!
The context here is that I think in hindsight there has always been controlling, coercive behaviour and red flags, and unfortunately at 26 when we met I was still in 'saviour mode' and presumed I could fix him...since having our 2nd child nearly 3 years ago I have changed dramatically/grown up/wised up, whatever you want to call it, and slowly have come to the realisation of 'Enough/no more!'
More context is that he was made redundant in Feb and only really started a serious job hunt in I would say June...we've been living off his redundancy alongside my full time wage, and his money is now nearly gone. He is at final interview stage for a series of jobs, but we've now lost our 2 year olds 30 nursery hours due to his inactivity on the job front, and i am FURIOUS. What was he doing between Feb and June?! NOTHING that I can tell except dripping around the house and emotionally tormenting me!
Anyway saturday he'd sent me a huge long text saying he was worried i was working too much (I am yes), was awful around the kids (a lie) and awful to him (probably half true as I'm emotionally checked out). That eve at 8.30, I'm trying to make dinner. The children are in bed, and he just starts going and going and going at me. 'What did you think of my text message?' And I say, 'I don't want to talk about it. I'm exhausted. I've had to work today, and I don't want to work the rest of the bank holiday so I can actually spend time with the kids.' And then he starts saying 'this is all part of the problem. Your work is unreasonable.' Bearing in mind he used to work at the same company, and he knows exactly what it's like, and given his job situation, I don't have the time, patience, or energy to look for a new job right now. I'm aware my working pattern is unhealthy. I'm just trying to maintain a job for now.
Eventually we go upstairs, and he won't leave me alone, and he makes me have this conversation. So I basically lead with, I'm very concerned about our eldest, who is six, hearing anger from you, saying that he is angry because Daddy is angry. And increasingly my husband has kind of communicated through the kids through anger, and my eldest has been crying and clingy and keeps going up to everyone saying he loves them. He is affectionate anyway, but it's more than usual, and I'm convinced it's because he's seeing angry behaviour from my husband. As usual, when we have a disagreement, he will not leave the conversation alone. I cannot disengage from a conversation until he has decided he is finished. At one in the morning, we're still going round and round and round because I will not say to him what he wants. He says, 'Are we over then? Or are we going to try and fix things?' And I say, 'I don't know what the best thing for the kids is anymore.' That is my position of uncertainty. I have wanted to separate, but I knew it was probably going to be bad, and I wasn't prepared to have this conversation yet. I was trying to have a calm conversation, from my perspective at least, at some point soon. I wasn't ready for this. But he basically forced me into it, and I just thought, I'm exhausted. I can't lie anymore.
More context is that we did go to couples therapy, but we've been going round and round in this cycle for a year, and I've had enough. I have nothing left to give him anymore. So eventually I just say, 'My gut is leaning towards we can't fix this.' And then he just goes berserk. It's one in the morning. He's got his coat on, he goes out the house, and he says, 'I'm going to my parents.' His parents are early seventies and eighty, and I say, 'You cannot turn up on your parents' doorstep at one in the morning. This is ridiculous' I say to him, 'Get into bed and we will talk more tomorrow, but we're exhausted.' No, he won't do that. He says, 'I'm not staying around to be dumped, maybe tomorrow, maybe in two weeks, maybe a month.' Leaves the house. Then he calls me crying from the motorway driving, saying, 'I don't want to be here anymore.' He doesn't mean this. It's a manipulation tactic. I say, 'I need to take this seriously. Where are you? I will call the police.' Doesn't answer. Eventually I say, 'Just come back' because I'm worried for his and other people's safety. He comes back, he gets in bed. He tries to cuddle me, which I tolerate because I'm exhausted, and then he starts again. Can we find a way? Can we find a way? Can we find a way? And I just say, 'I can't talk anymore. I'm exhausted.' Then he suddenly jumps up again, puts his coat back on, goes outside again, and this time he doesn't come back.
So silly me, I presume that he has accepted it, and maybe we'll talk calmly the next day. No. He comes back the next morning, ignores me in the kitchen, goes upstairs, comes back with two bags packed. So I think, okay, maybe we can have a calm conversation. Of course we can't. Again, he starts on and on and on and on at me. Luckily the kids are both upstairs. At this point I just say, 'I have had enough. I am drained. I cannot emotionally regulate you anymore. I have two children to emotionally regulate, and I am burning myself into the ground through a combination of you and work, and I have to prioritise work and our children now. I don't have anything left for you.' Unfortunately our two-year-old then comes downstairs to the kitchen to see what's going on. He grabs him and says, 'I'm taking my son to the park,' and I say, 'You are absolutely not. You are overwrought. You are hysterically crying. You are shouting. Put him down.' He won't put him down. And then he goes out of the house, puts him in the car and drives away. So I ring my mum hysterically crying, shouting, 'He's taken him I don't know what to do.' And my mum says, 'You must ring the police.' So I'm looking for his reg no paperwork because I don't know what it is. And he comes storming back in dramatically a few minutes later and says, 'What are you doing with that? That's mine,' and snatches it off me. And then I say, 'I am ringing the police, because you are taking our child against my consent.' He said, 'I can take my son to the park whenever I want.' I say, 'No, you cannot in this state. You cannot.' And then he says, 'Are we over then?' And I say, 'In light of this, absolutely. There's no coming back from this whatsoever.' And then he says, whilst holding our son, 'Okay, you will never see either of us again', and tries to leave again, and I have to take this seriously as a threat against our child. He then takes our son a second time, by which point I'm literally connecting to 999. He comes back. He sees that I have my phone, and then he lunges at me and tries to knock my phone out of my hand. It's just unbelievable. Eventually he puts our child down and he drives away. My mum comes to collect me, and we spend the day there.
But I did log an incident with 101. I've got a police officer coming out to my house on Weds to discuss and take more details from me. But they've told me I must not contact him in the meantime. If he tries to contact me, I must ring 999 if he comes to the house. And they've put me on a 24 priority response, which is obviously a bit longer because it's bank holiday and they're busy. But I just, I cannot come back from this, can I? It's unbelievable now. I must not have my children living with a man capable of this level of anger and lack of regulation around his feelings.
So the problem is that I have stopped replying, and my poor parents are trying to mediate in terms of they're saying to him, 'You must get a grip.' My dad went and sat and talked to him in a motorway services. But he's just doing insane things. This happened Saturday night. It's now Tuesday morning. He won't go and tell his parents and ask to be put up there. He's been living out of his car at a motorway services. Because I think he's expecting me to give in and do what I always do and get exhausted and say, Okay, fine, we can try again. I'm not doing it anymore. And now because I'm not replying to his paragraph text messages of guilt tripping and manipulation, he's doing it to my poor parents. And my mum came around in tears, saying 'All the police stuff has gone too far. He's having a breakdown.' And I read through his messages, and I said to my mum, 'Yes, they look alarming, but this is what I have been living with for the past over a year.' And I say, 'He won't do any of these things. He doesn't mean any of these things really. He may feel devastated and upset, but it is manipulation.' I just, I am exhausted. I just can't live like this anymore. Regardless of kids, it's not actually fair on me. I deserve a peaceful life, but I am leading with the fact that we have two boys, and I do not want them growing up thinking this is how a relationship should be.
(Sorry for the huge post length!)