Sorry this is a really long post, but basically I’m on the verge of separating from my husband of 25 years which is so scary but I need to do it and be free.
A lot has gone on in our marriage and I think it’s broken beyond repair. I honestly don’t know how I can continue anymore.. as it’s now turning toxic.
Roughly around 7 years ago I stupidly drunkenly kissed a male friend of mine who is no longer a friend anymore, I decided to be totally honest and told hubby the next day about the kiss with the ex friend and ended the friendship with the ex friend the same day, since then I have not had any contact with him.
I did mention to hubby at New Year should we send a Happy New Year message to him like we do everyone else, as a lot of time had lapsed, it would just have been as a one off message not to re kindle the friendship in any way but he wasn’t happy about it so we didn’t message him and left him well alone.
Recently my late dad’s brother died, suddenly, he was special needs and in a nursing home in another town around an hour from where I live.
My ex friend was friends with my uncle and visited him in the home occasionally.. I heard from my mum that my uncle had said my ex friend had stopped visiting a few years ago possibly due to work commitments and that they were no longer in contact.
My mum brought up the other day that we should let my ex friend know of my uncles passing but not invite him to the funeral as they were no longer in contact.. Hubby overheard my mum speaking to me about this and was furious at the thought of us contacting him to let him know my uncle had died! My mum was aware of the kiss we shared but felt he should maybe know about my uncles passing.
On top of all that, my husband’s brother and sister in law has been horrible to me in the past, excluding me from family events, accusing me of things, name
calling, slandering, nasty messages, telling me they don’t like me to other people, etc.. the list is endless!
This has caused me a lot of pain over the years and I ended up having a mini breakdown, we cut contact for a while but then after a few years hubby seem to just forgive and forget and now says that all the bullying I was a victim of is all in my head, and that I now need therapy and medication.
I went for therapy after the mini breakdown which helped slightly but tbh this brother keeps re appearing in our lives and I’m constantly hearing hubby talk about him like he’s something special!
Hubby acts like nothing happened, yet the brother made me ill, no apology nothing to me, hubby just says forgive and forget water under the bridge, etc.. get over it.. and I’m now expected to just be suddenly be ok with someone who caused me years of upset and pain, because according to husband the brother did nothing wrong and it’s all in my head even though my husband witnessed it on multiple occasions! Hubby even tried to stick up for me at the time but it was on deaf ears, I think deep down they enjoyed it.
I’ve been victim to bullying all my life, school, work, and now from family, the bullying caused PTSD but I won’t be that victim anymore.
Hubby also revealed yesterday that if it hadn’t of been for the kids we may have gone separate ways when I kissed my ex friend! So I really don’t think he has forgiven me even after all this time, so basically to me he was saying I think I’ve only stayed with you because your the mother of my kids, to me that hurt!!
Earlier this year, we were on a night out in town for my birthday, hubby drank too much and got dancing, I sat with the drinks to keep them safe, I was just chilling when I looked up and saw him dancing with a girl but no ordinary dance like arms round her, bodies close, etc.. He didn’t even know her! I felt bad, awkward, sick so left them inside and went outside to the smoking area to get air, hubby then came out after about 5/10mins asking where I had been and we had a blazing row as to what he was doing, his defence he was just dancing and it’s how he dances, i said if I danced like that with another male he would hit the roof, it ruined the night out which was a rare special occasion for us.
So anyway I’ve suggested separation, as neither of us can continue like this, it’s just an ongoing battle, we aren’t intimate anymore, we are more like room mates.
When I suggested we separate I actually felt relief, but I know he is going to make things difficult for me.
Hubby is very against separating, and whenever I try and bring it up shuts me down very quickly or it results in more arguing, arguing I just cannot continue with anymore as I’m exhausted.
Hubby is in charge of the finances and sends money to my account for every day things, such as activities for the kids, meals out, etc..
I asked him could we get legal advice together so that we can both learn where we stand moving forwards, he said no I’m not having any involvement in that so my only option is do it alone but because he’s in charge of the finances I’m going to have to find myself some money to go ahead with this as I can’t imagine it will be cheap.
We own a house together and have 5 children, 4 of whom have special needs, so me going it alone is going to be tough.
I’ve tried to be really mature about things and said this is what I would like and been really calm about things and patient but he said if he is forced out of the house he won’t want to be part of the kids lives anymore and he would look at ending his life.
How can I even move along further from those comments, I feel we’ve both done wrong, we’ve turned our marriage toxic, but now I just need a way out as I feel trapped, he says the kids need us both with their needs, but I can’t just be married to him just for the sake of the kids and made to feel like an accessory.
His parents split so I guess it’s a sore patch for him, but surely he has to think of me and the kids instead of himself.
Any help of advice would be welcomed, I honestly don’t know where to turn anymore, life without him feels scary, but I would have to adjust massively and it’s change isn’t it, I feel guilty but I’ve done my best, I don’t feel respected anymore.. and maybe I don’t respect him anymore, just need out.. there’s more I can add but this thread has already for super long but those are the main things
Thanks for reading