Starting over after separation in my forties, with kids, success stories welcome

[Dollymixture85]

i decided to end my marriage, due to various things that have built up over the years and I’d finally had enough of, and over the last 8 months my husbands behaviour has been far from ok (tracking, accusing me of cheating, spreading rumours, financial abuse to name a few) yet he still wants us to be ‘friends’ for the sake of our children- I am just wanting an easy life going forward and to protect my future peace, youngest is 6 so a while before they are an adult and can make their own decisions re their Dad.
I am buying my own home, in my forties, with the equity from our house (he is doing the same) and it’s nearly all gone through, we will be doing 50/50 with the kids.
I have no interest in dating probably ever!
I’ve just felt very nervous over the last few days thinking about the responsibility of having a mortgage by myself, packing up and moving and decorating a new home and whether it will be ok. Whether life will be ok moving forward. No one has a crystal ball I know, I’m not usually an anxious person, I feel quite overwhelmed. I suppose I’m after some similar success stories

I promise you'll be ok.
You don't need to be friends with him right now, polite and cordial is fine!

Knowledge is power, I made a budget so I knew what money was left to plan fun stuff with the kids. I also made sure I was on good deals with broadband, utilities, mobile etc. I bought the ex out of the house so it's a little different but, I didn't decorate for a few months after, just didn't have the energy. However when things had settled down I found a new hobby of restoring furniture which gave me some focus and enjoyment when the kids were with their dad.

Also, get stuff in the diary to look forward to - for after your move. Life will find a new rhythm. You've got this.

Honestly, I have found everything so much easier and simpler being able to just make my own decisions.

It is great not having to accommodate XH or his horrible extended family!

I only wish I had done it sooner. You will be absolutely fine!!

I'm you basically 2 years down the line although my ex became very abusive after we split. Even so I love living on my own. I wrote down all the things I hated about him and living with him and every time I feel guilty I look at that list and it reminds me. E.g Snoring, eating noises, stonewalling me, being shit with money etc.

If I could rewind a few years I would tell myself to go slow and be really kind to myself. Once you are in your new house you have so much to look forward to. I agree it's good to make plans and fill your life with other things like hobbies so you're not always thinking about divorce, what your ex is doing etc. Anyone in your situation would feel overwhelmed, that's totally normal. Just keep going, one foot in front of the other and before you know it you will be happy in your home. The peace I now feel now not having to worry about or manage someone else's wants, needs and feelings (and meals) is priceless :)

Another success story here @Dollymixture85 !

Do a budget of what’s in and what’s out and when you see the left over figure it will be scary to see but also enlightening. Even if it’s not as much as you hoped - it’s the truth and it’s predictable. That’s what I enjoy in my divorce. How predictable everything is with regards to money, how I spend my time etc.

it is daunting being the decision maker on everything with no one to bounce things off but allow yourself to fail at some of those solo decisions. Expect it. You paint something a colour you hate. Paint over it. For example: you realise your broadband provider may be cheap but they are shit. See if you can monitor your speeds to get out of any fixed deal and move. Worst case scenario you wait until the contract is over and move provider - lesson learned.

shape the path. Don’t write a to do list like “sort bedroom” instead put down “buy sample paint for bedroom this weekend” or “order bed or an item you need by end of week” - actual things you can tick off as done that contribute to the overall goal. You’ll be amazed how much you can get done on your own 🙂

I kicked ex out when I was 43. Two DD aged 2 and 4. From the very first day, the house just felt so much more peaceful. It is far easier to make the choices you need to do every day, make parental decisions etc, when someone negative isn’t impacting your energy. Whether it was big ones like moving or small ones like picking out school shoes, I don’t ever feel overwhelmed any more. I don’t diminish myself due to another adult. Kids have gotten older, far easier, and we are a loving family unit.
I retrained, moved career, moved house, holidayed abroad just me and my children, successfully ran being a dog owning single parent and started my own business. All with zero grandparents/aunts etc to help. You’ll be fine, more than fine you’ll be grand.