How do I rebut when my husband says he earns more than me?

[Saskia11]

I am married with 2 kids, eldest 14 and 12. Have been working part time till just now January as my husband has been ill and off work- he is back now, but if we wanted to have a safety net and be able to go on holiday I needed to earn more.

he throws the fact he earns more than me, as the end to all arguments- he doesn’t have to look after the kids as he earns double what I do- even though we both work full time. He doesn’t have to sort their uniform, or get them to read or do anything that involves discipline ( he just shouts at them)- it’s all on me to raise them and organise everyone’s calendars and how logistics work.

What can I say to him to basically shut him up about the fact he earns more money. We had a talk a while ago and he said he wouldn’t bring it up again, but that’s all he does and infront of the kids, saying we couldn’t afford to live without his money (which is true) but I also looked after the kids and did everything for them- I had to sort out everything to do with kids, plan everything, plan how each school holiday would be covered when we are working- everything to do with the kids welfare is always on me.

he does do the laundry and gardening now ( we use to have gardener but wanted to cut expenses).

i will divorce him, but he is ill at the moment so need to wait till he has had an operation and gets better.

I don’t want to lose the family house and want the kids to stay where they are and rent a room where we parents move between when not with kids- but we can’t afford to do this yet.

so I am stuck with him for now.
back to my main question- what can I say to get him to understand all the sacrifices I made with maternity leave and taking on lesser paid part time work so I could look after and pick up kids from school etc- he doesn’t value any of it as now the kids are older and more capable. What do I say to him???

You can’t

he is a c%nt. an abusive 🍆

you cannot reason with a terrorist. So save your breath.

if you are feeling more collaborative than me you could try marriage counselling. Otherwise save your breath. Get your ducks in a row. And get out of there asap.

Nesting doesn’t work with an arsehole. He will disrespect your things or refuse to swap one day.

Like @FillTheGoldenCupWithRoses said, he'll be an utter knob in and after a divorce. Nesting will be a pain. Or be happy he earns more, so you can take 50% of it.

He is an abusive arse
You really don't have to wait until he has surgery and recovers
Since you have so little value to him, he can hire somebody or have a relative of his do it

If you're ready to divorce him I would even see a solicitor just to see what they have to say

You’ll never get a man like this to understand. He’ll only understand once you’re separated and he actually has to start doing all the stuff you do.

i will divorce him, but he is ill at the moment so need to wait till he has had an operation and gets better.
well, you don't. And statistically, he wouldnt stay if the situation was reversed.

He’ll only understand once you’re separated and he actually has to start doing all the stuff you do.
And not even then as he just wont do it.

You’re planning on separating, put your energy into that and just say ok. Don’t feed the bear. Don’t put your energy where it’s wasted. He can sit and see how much he enjoys earning more when he has no family.

“My earning capacity has been curtailed by my childcare responsibilities”.

So that your children are clear on it -

"It might feel like you earn the money and it's only yours, but marriage is a legal contract where our resources are shared between the two of us, I'm afraid! We needed to divide up our total available energy between childcare and hunter gathering.I've divided my energy up and spent some of it bringing in money and some in essential care for the children that the partnership is responsible for. You've used your energy differently and put lots of hours into bringing money into the partnership.

You are legally allowed to draw on the energy and time I put into childcare, without having to pay me for it. I am legally allowed to share the money you put into the partnership, without you controlling it.

Suck it up, or I'll be forced to charge the marriage market rates for all my childcare, and you will be a lot more out of pocket than I would be".

I wouldn't bother saying this to him, but the law very clearly recognises paid and unpaid work as equally valuable contributions to a marriage and family.

There is also specific provision in the law for pension sharing etc so that the spouse who reduced their hours or stopped paid work for a while to raise children won't be in a dramatically different financial position to their by then ex-spouse when retired.

The broad starting point is a 50:50 split of marital assets, so equity if you own a house, pensions, savings etc.

So the fact that he earns more is neither here not there, really.

See a solicitor. Find out how much you can get in child support. Find out what rights you have to the family home.

See a therapist. Your idea of swapping time in the family home and leaving for a rented room needs to be examined and its basis exposed.

There will be no amicable coparenting with this prick. You need to gun for money.

Is he expecting you to look after him while he recovers from the operation? Well, don't. He doesn't deserve your support.

Yes to this.

Smile to yourself when you hear him wanging on about his money, and realise he's clearly compensating for .... something.

Make plans to completely separate. Grieve the life you thought you'd have. Come to terms with the sale of the family home, if this will be the cost of your freedom from a life where this man is so open about his warped values and his contempt for you.

Errr you 100% can divorce him.

Why drag this out

You don’t need to wait!! He can deal with his own illness and surgery etc on his own!

A record by Gene Chandler..Hey Mr.bigshot.
I'd be playing it all the time available on you tube.

Leave him to fund private care for his recovery after surgery
With his attitude towards you I'd be struggling to look at him let alone care for it.

Sigh. Well done you.

And I halted my career to raise our children. Neither point changes the fact that we should be a partnership and equal and currently we are not. We need to look at the load we both have as the imbalance is unfair on me.

Mine used to say thst I couldn’t afford to divorce him as my job didn’t pay enough, ^^ @likeitshardhas an excellent suggestion, I told him this and reminded him that the division of assets in the divorce settlement didn’t have to be 50:50, it could be 70:30 (including his pension) in my favour to reflect this. In the end he stopped being mean and we were more amicable over the finances. Good luck!

It isn’t that he doesn’t understand. He simply doesn’t give a shit.

Just divorce him, no waiting around.

What he earns is irrelevant to how much parenting of his own children he should be doing and household chores and looking after himself.

He's treating you like a nanny and housekeeper.
Invoice him every week including hours "on call" when you have to be the solo parent available because he won't do anything.

So that's basically 24/7 at the going rate.

Do you get any time off?

I think this is what I need to do.

i will work on myself and make a proper plan to separate.

I do want him to be ok for my kids sake and also I need to get half his money 😜

thanks for all your messages, it’s good to know I am right that what he is saying is wrong and not to tolerate it.

This. When he has DC make sure you don't do the things he should be doing. If 2 DC suggest you buy uniform for one and he gets uniform for other DC. Make him take them to dentists and hobbies too. Make him see how much you do. He will hate find that out.

I would ask him what value he sees in a parent looking after their child. I would also wonder if he only sees the kids as a chore, and how he thinks that will affect his relationship with him going forward

And by the way, I do just think he’s an ass.