Divorcing after discovering years of cheating, lies and secret spending

[featherowl]

So I have been completely blindsided.
I asked for a trial separation from my husband due to years of the relationship falling apart quietly including emotional neglect, things like forgetting my birthday, letting me carry the entire mental load etc. You all know the story.
The trial separation was meant to be a walk up call but also a test for what I actually wanted. He moved out, we started counselling at his request but the counselling was shallow and he would hide behind clinical therapy speak to avoid ever actually saying anything.
We eventually settle down divorce.
So we hit divorce things have come to light and it actually turned out he had been cheating on me for years. I have no idea to what extent other than that paid sex work was involved. I found an explicit review he left on a pretty disgusting adult forum.
I also found out about a lot of secret spending and lies told around this, including one pretty elaborate lie about a very expensive kayak he told me work brought him.
So now it feels I am back to square one. I had already mourned the loss of my marriage but now I have had to accept I didn't actually know the man I was married to at all. It never really occured to me he could be cheating on me, certainly not paying for services.
It's a hard point to move on from as it feels like having to grieve all over. I wish I could cut him out of my life completely but unfortunately I have to co parent with him for the foreseeable future.
With everything now coming to light, I do worry about his stability as a parent, someone capable of living that kind of double life and writing a review life he did, well he can't be mentally stable right?

I wouldn’t be wasting energy on the whys and wherefores. You’ll never get to the bottom of it. I don’t think it makes him mentally unstable in any way.

concentrate on your divorce and establishing a civil co parenting routine and relationship that puts children at the centre.

if you need to seek counselling individually

There’s more than you think
I Know of 2 families where there was a double one running in tandem.
He’s a shit and you’re well rid.
Two priorities - make sure you know all about his finances and get your solicitor onboard with him not being trustworthy and get this to the attention of the court in any settlement
Secondly read riot act about his parenting and get it through his head he does need to be consistently there for your offspring.
That apart, look forward not back

The good news is, he's so terrified of having to declare his finances to me honestly that I hold all the power here. The house was already in my name as he never contributed to the deposit or mortgage. So long as he wants to preserve his lies, he won't put up a fight around the moment.
I also have plenty of evidence around his assets due to a lovely paper trail on Reddit where he reviews things he bought

Just remember that in a court of law his lies and behaviour count for nothing. He’s still entitled to his fair share based on needs as are you. Any settlement is not based on ‘punishment’ . Even if he agreed to walk away with nothing a judge would not agree ( rightly) so you paying deposit and mortgage etc doesn’t make the house ‘yours’

There is a bit more to it than all of that. Including earnings differences and the fact I am currently the only person holding stable accomodation for our child. There is not enough equity in the house to make it worth selling and splitting as it would force me and my son to become homeless and leave me without enough to buy another home. I am very confident my home is safe. My pension might take a huge hit but that's about it right now.
He currently lives rent free in his mum's house and stopped contributing anything to my household the day he moved out. He also earns more than I do

I’m not saying you don’t have higher needs And higher share of assets.

im just saying that finances don’t take into consideration behaviours /lies and he wont be deemed adequately housed and therefore has housing needs for him and children too. Just saying that who pays for what is not relevant either it’s all in the pot.

It isn’t actually uncommon. So many people are having long term affairs, paying for sex, leading double lives. Cheating / non monogamy is absolutely rife, and the extent of it is never recognised or talked about. People generally have absolutely no idea & think it couldn’t happen to them.
Please don’t take his actions as ANY reflect on yourself. His deceit is all about him.
And you’re right that you didn’t know the full extent of the man you married. As is often the case, we only get to see a certain side of most people.
I hope you manage to process this all and well done to you for separating and divorcing and not putting up with what you’re not happy with. It’s really admirable, especially on here when so often women are living with decades of mistreatment and just turning a blind eye all the time.
Hope you get a very good deal in your divorce and find peace and happiness on your own terms

Thanks @MeganM3. In a lot of ways I am glad I found out the way I did. I was already out of the marriage so it was a little more graceful. If I found out whilst we still lived together then it would have been like a bomb going off in the house. That was a little quieter and more dignified. Still ridiculously hard and I should probably get counselling but that's expensive and I have a whole divorce to pay for still

Just be glad you have unshackled yourself from this horrible man. It all just confirms that you have done the right thing. Onwards and upwards.

You will have to deal with 2 issues. First is the emotional impact of his behaviour on you and how that impacts on your future interactions with him. It will also impact on your response to future relationships and family dynamics. I would suggest a good therapist rather than social media psychoanalysis for this.

As to the divorce, it is going to mainly deal with splitting of finances. It won’t provide you with any emotional recourse. It is very unlikely to provide you with any financial recourse either. You could spend a lot of money trying to get a judge to take into account his in marriage spending for little or no gain.

Divorces generally just deal with the splitting of assets. The aim will be to make you equal. If you both end up renting then that will be considered equal. A mesher order will only delay him getting a share of the equity. It won’t remove his interest in the property. It usually means he retains a share whilst you live there paying the mortgage and upkeep.

I think you're right OP, paying for sex and using disgusting forums, If that doesn't call into question his mental stability and ability to parent responsibly, what does? It's usually mental instability that causes a person to indulge these kind of behaviours.
Wishing you luck.

Honestly I’d try to separate the emotional side of what he’s done from the financial side, as hard as that probably is right now.

The bit that would worry me financially is the secret spending and the fact you already know he’s been hiding things. I wouldn’t take his word for anything when it comes to money. Make sure everything is properly disclosed and looked at before you agree to a settlement.

And definitely don’t brush off the pension as “that’s about it”! Depending on what pensions you both have, that could be a huge part of the overall settlement, and the figure on a basic pension statement rarely tells you what it’s actually worth in real terms.

I’d get your solicitor dealing with the legal side, but also speak to someone who really understands the financial mechanics of divorce, like The Divorce IFA who specialise in things like pensions and complex divorce settlements. It might be worth having an initial chat with someone just so you know where you stand.

You’ve already discovered he was capable of hiding a double life personally I’d be making absolutely sure there aren’t any financial surprises waiting for you as well.